Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Tank Cubs, Tank: The Chicago Cubs Should Sell

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, sometimes it's tough to know when to throw in the towel. Men of my generation were taught to persevere - to keep grinding, even as our bodies fail us and our spirit breaks. That drive to survive and outlast your opposition is what kept brave men alive in the jungles of Guadalcanal and the forests of Ardennes; it's what kept tired men toiling on the assembly line long after their dignity and the union were gone. That instinct is what gives me the strength to finish my 6th hot dog at a 4th of a July barbecue, long after my stomach is full and my wife tells me to stop eating, for the love of God.

Folks, the Chicago Cubs - 2016's miracle team - need to throw in the towel. We all know why. Ben Zobrist, the World Series MVP, looks old and broken. Addison Russell has played exactly like you'd expect somebody drafted by saber-nerd Billy Beane to play. Kyle Schwarber has been demoted to Triple-A Iowa, and might not be back in the majors until the 2020 Iowa Caucus showdown between Chelsea Clinton, Mark Zuckerberg, and Corey Booker. The team's chemistry is shot, in part thanks to Miguel Montero throwing his own teammates under the bus. Jake Arietta's ERA is more inflated than Evan McMullin's sense of self-importance. Worst of all, there's no David Ross around anymore to anchor the team with veteran presence.

The final nail in the coffin for the Cubbies? They disrespected our President. Bad things happen to people who cross the Donald - ask Mika or Morning Joe.

Meanwhile, Chicago's competition in the NL Central is formidable. While the Cubs' roster looks broken and deteriorated, the Milwaukee Brewers look like a complete team. The Cubs' offense has looked utterly lost at the plate and totally un-clutch (batting a PATHETIC .231 with Runners in Scoring Position), while the Brew Crew are led by bashers like Eric Thames (aka Barry Bonds reincarnated), Travis Shaw, and the inexplicably filthy Eric Sogard (hits the ball So-Yard). Don't sleep on Hernan Perez either - with 10 home runs, 8 steals, and defensive versatility, he looks a true super-utility player, perhaps the next Ben Zobrist. Also Ryan Braun is on this team.

Point is, the sun has set on the North Side of Chicago. It's time for Theo Epstein to be realistic. This is Milwaukee's division. A team that can't stay above .500 has no business buying at the deadline - the prudent thing for the Cubs to do is tank and try to collect some prospects for their next run.

Kris Bryant should be traded to the Boston Red Sox, who have a deep farm system and are in desperate need of a third baseman. Throw in Jon Lester and Koji Uehara for old time's sake. The Cubbies could probably, at a minimum, get Andrew Benintendi, Rafael Devers, and Jay Groome in return.

Since the Cubs won't be contending this year, they have no use for a lights out closer. Wade Davis should be traded back to the resurgent Kansas City Royals for Jorge Soler. Unlike the Cubs, the Royals have managed to stay above .500 this year.

Nobody should be off limits: Anthony Rizzo, Javier Baez, etc., should all be moved for whatever the Cubs can get. The Cinderella Story was nice while it lasted - but it's time for Epstein to act before this supposed "team of destiny" turns into a pumpkin.