Friday, November 25, 2016

Harbaugh vs. Urban Meyer Part II: Head-to-Head Wins Matter

Danville, Kentucky -- Once upon a time, when a man beat a man, he beat a man. Achieving victory --- whether it took place in the bowling alley, the ballot box, the football field, or the baseball diamond --- used to designate the superiority of one competitor over the other.

Once upon a time, I used to regularly whoop my brother-in-law at golf. I'm not much of a golfer; I've never been the type to hang around country clubs or obsess over the PGA championship. Yet, when I would play golf with my accursed brother-in-law as a gesture of goodwill towards my sister, my golf skills felt transcendent. Maybe it was the burning resentment; maybe it was my boiling blood; maybe it was the Fireball I'd pregame with. My putts were immaculate and I would drive the ball across the field with majestic precision. The defeats were so humiliating for my poor brother-in-law that he became too embarrassed to show his face around the greens. With each consecutive loss that I handed him, my dominance over him became clearer and clearer. 

These days, winning is not considered winning. Though Donald Trump prevailed over Hillary Clinton in the presidential election, Clinton's supporters refuse to concede and instead demand that the election be audited. NCAA football rankings are similarly indecisive, failing to reward victories and punish defeats. If only the NCAA football rankings appreciated the unambiguous glory of a head-to-head win. College football is broken. Most polls and rankings are too reliant on murky metrics like "strength of schedule" and "quality wins and losses," downplaying the importance of mano-e-mano triumphs over rivals.

Luckily there is one game this rivalry weekend where winning the head-to-head match-up will mean something. That game is perhaps the greatest rivalry of all: Michigan vs. Ohio State, the second confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and Urban Meyer. Folks, there is so much on the line. Harbaugh is fighting to prove Michigan's renaissance is real, and that his Wolverines can hang with the big boys. The milk-drinking, steak-eating Harbaugh is a throwback to the classy days of Bo Schembechler. Urban Meyer is a throwback to mercenaries like King George III's Hessian hired guns. The stakes could not be higher.

The Wolverines-Buckeyes showdown will not only be fought for vengeance over the Toledo Border War of 1935: it will determine the competitors in the Big 10 title game. If Ohio State beats Michigan and Pennsylvania State beats Michigan State, OSU and Penn State will vie for Big 10 supremacy and a playoff berth.

Yet, if Michigan beats Ohio State, there is no guarantee Pennsylvania State will get to vie for the Big 10 title and a playoff spot, in spite of Penn State's stunning 24-21 victory over the #2 ranked Buckeyes earlier this year. Folks, that's a grotesque miscarriage of justice. Does Penn State's head-to-head victory over the Buckeyes mean nothing?

Unfortunately, this injustice is all too common in college football. Look at the travesty that befell the Baylor Bears in 2014: in their head-to-head regular season match-up, Baylor beat TCU 61-58. And what a victory it was, folks. Baylor was down 21 with 9:30 left. Baylor, through sheer force of will, scored 24 points in those last 9 minutes and thirty seconds to pull a stunning victory from the jaws of defeat. Both Baylor and TCU finished 11-1. TCU's only loss was to Baylor. Some nerds said TCU should be ranked higher than Baylor despite losing the head-to-head match-up. These folks could not be more wrong. 

Look, nerds. I have no horse in this race, even though I'm from Kentucky, where people race horses a lot. I don't have a college degree and thus have no strong affiliations to any particular college team. I just want to see the right champion crowned. Advanced stats don't crown our champions. Winning does. In any sport, it is exceedingly rare that the consensus best team becomes the eventual champion. Winning is the only metric we care about: that's why we have a playoff instead of declaring the team with the best adjusted efficiency margin the winner beforehand.

A few pieces of advice for all college football rankers, voters, and pollsters: stop sleeping on Western Michigan, an undefeated team with a compelling case to be the #2 team behind Alabama
Here's some more advice: if two teams are directly vying for a playoff spot, the head-to-head win should be the tiebreaker, not some nebulous and arbitrary standard like "strength of schedule." It's time to go back to that "once upon a time" where winning mano-e-mano meant something. It's time to make wins matter again.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Forget Mitt: #NeverRomney for Secretary of State

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, it didn't take long, but there is already an imminent threat to President-Elect Donald Trump's quest to Make America Great Again. That threat is Mitt Romney.

Let's take a minute to recount Mitt's numerous failures, all of which disqualify him from serving in Trump's administration. Mitt Romney, former liberal governor of Massachusetts, is the architect of the failed Romneycare and Obamacare programs. Mitt Romney is the loser who gave us Obama's second term by throwing away a winnable race in 2012.
Mitt Romney is the man who brought the traitorous Paul Ryan to national prominence by choosing him as his running mate. Mitt Romney is the man who ran Bain Capital: the globalist investment firm that saved the faceless Staples corporation and subsequently destroyed family owned paper mills like Dundler Mifflin in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Folks, Donald won Pennsylvania precisely because good people in places like Scranton were tired of having their livelihoods ruined by corporate shills like Mitt.

Picking Romney would not only be a betrayal of every principle Trump took a stand for in the 2016 election; it would be awful for United States foreign policy. Mike Huckabee knows this.
Newt knows this too.
Huck and Newt have earned Trump's loyalty by consistently defending him throughout the campaign. By contrast, Romney sought to undermine Trump every step of the way: by recruiting globalist pawn Evan McMullin to run against Trump, and by taking to the bully pulpit to insult and attack Donald.

Romney called Trump "very not smart." He called Trump a "con man" and a "fake." If Donald makes the foolish mistake of appointing Romney to be America's Secretary of State, what's to stop Romney from back-stabbing Donald in the middle of sensitive diplomatic negotiations? Romney clearly has no loyalty to Donald.

Romney is not only disloyal and untrustworthy. He'd likely be the worst Secretary of State since Crooked Hillary. Mitt Romney has no diplomatic experience, unless you count the time he offended our British allies by criticizing their handling of the 2012 Olympic Games (Mr. Romney considers himself an Olympic expert because of the time he ruined the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics).

Romney is too awkward and goofy to be trusted with serious diplomatic affairs. He's also a war-mongering neo-conservative maniac who supported the disastrous Iraq War and wants the United States perpetually entangled in foreign conflicts. Contrast Mitt with Dennis Rodman, the man I would pick for Secretary of State if I were Trump. Whereas Romney is a walking gaffe-machine, Rodman is a stately and dignified individual with the foreign policy gravitas and experience necessary to guide our nation through crises and reassure our allies. Romney has failed America time and time again; Rodman single-handedly brokered peace with the treacherous Kim regime of North Korea. The choice is clear. #NeverRomney for Secretary of State.

Thanksgiving with the Harts II: TWTW's Vikings @ Lions Preview

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. For one day each year, families come together to feast, count their blessings, and then engage in brazen consumerism at 7:00 PM once Black Friday shopping starts. Yet, most men pay a heavy price to earn this day of leisure. Thanksgiving is not given; it is earned. It is earned in the auto factory, where many men spend lifetimes toiling in oppressive conditions. It is earned in the meat lockers of delicatessens, where shivering men pound raw steak with metal mallets. It is earned in the driver's seat of semi-trucks, where weary men travel through the dead of night carrying goods across our country in hopes of providing for their families. It is earned in the coal mines, where daring men venture without a guarantee they will ever see their loved ones again. For these men and many more, there is no better feeling than eating several pounds of mashed potatoes, loosening one's belt, collapsing on the couch, and watching the Detroit Lions.

Last Thanksgiving, there wasn't much for the good people of Michigan to be hopeful about. Manufacturing jobs were trickling from the state like blood from Trevor Bauer's poorly-bandaged drone wound. The Lions were 3-7, poised for another season of disappointment. The administration of nerd-governor Rick Snyder reached new levels of incompetence as the depth of Flint's suffering became well-known. It was a winter marked not by white tufts of fluffy snow, but rather grey-brown muddy slush.

This Thanksgiving feels very different. It's morning in Michigan again. The Detroit Pistons are moving downtown, and Jim Harbaugh has restored Michigan football to its former glory. Donald Trump is President-Elect of the United States. Thanks to Donald's stunning victory, Ford Motor Company has decided to scrap a plan to outsource jobs to Mexico. By making this decision, Bill Ford has taken a stand for the good people of our country and the state of Michigan. Now, Bill Ford's Detroit Lions are on the cusp of doing something that they haven't done in 23 years: winning a division title and hosting a home-playoff game.

Longest Division Title Droughts in NFL
Folks, I remember where I was the last time the Detroit Lions won a division title back in 1993. 1993 was a long time ago. It was an unforgettable year. Lions nemesis Brett Favre was not yet a household name, though he would become one later that year after completing a last-minute 45 yard touchdown pass to Sterling Sharpe in the '93 NFC Wild Card Game to eliminate the Lions. Newt Gingrich's "Contract with America" had yet to be written. The original Jurassic Park film was the hottest movie around. The world has changed significantly since 1993.

Thanksgiving of 1993 was special. My whole family was gathered around a lovingly prepared and lavish Thanksgiving dinner: sweet cranberry sauce (the canned, gelatinous kind), wholesome stuffing soaked with rich brown gravy, cloud-like mashed potatoes dripping with golden melted butter, and tender turkey breast with crispy brown skin. Yet, all was not well. Emotions were running high at my family's Thanksgiving supper. The Lions lost in disappointing fashion to the Chicago Bears earlier that day. My Uncle Bert was livid that an offense with Barry Sanders and Herman Moore only managed to put up 6 points against a feeble Bears squad. My Uncle Bert was a kind man; but proud, and ill-tempered if crossed.

Tensions boiled over when my wife (now my ex-wife) made a move for a coveted turkey drumstick. My Uncle Bert was a hard-working man and provider; one of the unspoken rules of our family's Thanksgiving celebrations was that the turkey's drumsticks belonged to him alone. My foolish wife broke this rule, prompting an extensive tirade from Uncle Bert about the value of diligence and the decay of America's moral fiber under President Bill Clinton. Folks, if you hate it when your family talks politics over Thanksgiving dinner, I hope you never meet my Uncle Bert. My wife didn't appreciate the scolding; when Uncle Bert's rant was finished, she grabbed the drumstick and headed for the door. I haven't spoken to her since.

Folks, Thanksgiving of 2016 is going to be vastly different from Thanksgiving of 1993. We no longer live in an America where families have to war over drumsticks. Thanks to Trump, delicious poultry will now be plentiful and affordable to all Americans. Coal mining jobs will return, after years of desolation at the hands of EPA overreach. Blue-collar folk across the rust belt will return to their jobs in manufacturing plants, after years of hanging up their hard-hats because of awful trade deals. America is going back to work.

Things are looking up for America, and they're looking up for the Lions too. The Lions sit atop the NFC North division; with a win against the Minnesota Vikings this Thanksgiving, they will position themselves well for a playoff run this Winter. Matt Stafford is now a certified elite quarterback: the former #1 draft pick now stands upon the precipice of leading the Lions to postseason glory, fulfilling his destiny in the process.

And yet, the Lions are not without their flaws. The Lions' running game remains a major weak point, flimsier than a soggy breadstick from Olive Garden. At times, their defense appears more porous than the US-Mexico border that Donald Trump has vowed to reinforce. In spite of these weaknesses, the Lions remain in the playoff hunt, largely due to Stafford's uncanny ability to orchestrate fourth quarter comebacks. With Stafford playing at an MVP-caliber level and key defensive players like DeAndre Levy returning to health, the stars appear to be aligning for Detroit's first division title in decades. In 2016 we have witnessed Britain leave the EU, a team from Cleveland win a championship, a Chicago Cubs World Series victory, and a Donald Trump presidency. Why can't the Lions get in on the fun?

This Thanksgiving is shaping up to be a truly marvelous one. Gone are the days where I would celebrate Thanksgiving with a cold TV dinner; the days of lavish feasts have once again returned. This Thanksgiving, I anticipate the Detroit Lions to provide compelling entertainment as they have all season. They will flirt with disaster; frustrating fans with their inconsistency and silly mistakes: botched punt returns, bobbled passes, missed tackles. Yet, I nonetheless predict a Lions victory, as ice-blooded field general Stafford delivers dramatic more late-game heroics. 2016 has not been any old year; these are not the Same Old Lions.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Ban Broadway: Don't Throw Away Your Shot, Donald

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I was a superstar in High School. I got the ladies. I threw no hitters. I spent long summer nights with the neighborhood boys drinking Yuengling in the back of my pickup truck. What you might not know about me was that I was also a song and dance man.

That's right folks, I dabbled in the performing arts as a senior in high school. I had already thrived at all that Danville High had to offer: baseball, football, basketball, cross country, alcoholism, and opioid abuse. The only challenge left for me to conquer was the stage.

In the Spring of 1972, I auditioned for Danville High's rendition of Oklahoma!, the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic. I did it mostly to prove to the drama club nerds that I could. I ended up landing the lead role: Curly McLain, a fun-loving cowboy who sweeps an enthralling young farm girl off her feet. Folks, it turns out I was money both on the baseball diamond and on the stage. By all accounts, I stole the show. The Danville High thespian guild even awarded me the Actor of the Year honors. It's just one of the many gnarly feats I accomplished as a young lad at the best high school in Kentucky.

In spite of my extensive background in the fine arts, liberals that I encounter on twitter love to treat me like some sort of backwoods Kentuckian caveman. I'm tired of having staff writers at Vox write 'think pieces' about my economic anxiety. Folks, I may not be as cultured as some of the latte-sipping Macbook users on the West Coast, but I know a thing or two about fine culture. That's why I was repulsed to see how the cast of Broadway's Hamilton treated Vice President-Elect Mike Pence.

Folks, these leftist radicals have no business lecturing to America's next Dick Cheney. This is all just a liberal distraction tactic, meant to divert our attention from Donald's wildly successful transition and his excellent cabinet appointments. The liberal snowflake 'safe-space' crowd has been triggered by the election of Donald Trump. Their world has been turned upside down. The problem is, Donald Trump is more Hamiltonian than Hamilton himself. Here's some key facts about Alexander Hamilton:

Alexander Hamilton was an immigration hardliner:
"To admit foreigners indiscriminately to the rights of citizens, the moment they put foot in our country, as recommended in the message, would be nothing less than to admit the Grecian horse into the citadel of our liberty and sovereignty.” [source]
Most importantly, Hamilton was skeptical of any alliance with European powers, just as Trump today calls on the U.S. to withdraw from the NATO alliance:
You must be out of your Goddamn mind if you think
The President is gonna bring the nation to the brink
Of meddling in the middle of a military mess
A game of chess, where France is Queen and Kingless
We signed a treaty with a King whose head is now in a basket
Would you like to take it out and ask it?
“Should we honor our treaty, King Louis’ head?”
“Uh… do whatever you want, I’m super dead.” [source]
Long before Trump was using twitter to attack his mortal enemies Hillary Clinton and Saturday Night Live, Alexander Hamilton published pamphlets for the sole purpose of savaging fellow federalist Jon Adams in vicious fashion.

These kids have no business yelling at America's best Vice President since Aaron Burr if they can't even get history right. Alexander Hamilton didn't invent the electoral college only to have crybabies protest the totally legitimate election of our 45th president. Folks, I call on President Trump to do the right thing and hereby ban all Broadway musical performances. The theatre-industrial-complex has become a cesspool of liberal historical revisionism that stands in direct opposition to Mr. Trump's noble efforts to Make America Great Again. Broadway has become another arm of the democratic party and explicitly colluded with Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. President Elect Trump must not throw away his shot. Don't get me wrong: I like musicals. I listen to my vinyl copy of The Music Man at least once a day, in between shots of Jim Beam Fire. But, to truly drain the swamp, Donald must ban Broadway. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Trump Should Not Recognize A Hillary Clinton Victory

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I am fully confident in Trump's ability win a free and fair election. I've been breaking down the case for a stunning Trump victory for quite some time now. An objective look at the relevant data and anecdotes shows that far more Americans want Trump to be president than Clinton. Rally sizes don't lie, folks.

Unfortunately, the 2016 presidential election is unlikely to be fair or free. It's more likely to be fixed in advance like the 2009 Iranian elections or the 2001 NBA Eastern Conference Finals. More Americans want Trump to be president than Clinton, but it's not Americans who vote in our elections. The main participants in American democracy these days are George Soros, fraudulent absentee voters, and dead people.

I've already detailed what Trump's contingency plan should be in the event that Crooked Hillary steals the election. But now I'm going to break down the techniques she'll use to subvert America's time-honored democratic processes.

Hillary's first illegal rigging technique: early voting. Early voting is like Frank Drebin in Naked Gun calling strikes before the pitch hits the glove. Article II, Section I, Clause 4 of the United States constitution reads plainly:
"The Congress may determine the Time of chusing the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States." [source]
That's unambigious, folks. A big flashing neon sign right in the middle of our nation's founding charter that says "EARLY VOTING IS CHEATING." Batting practice home runs don't count towards a baseball game's final score. Early warm-up shots aren't counted in a basketball game's final score. Similarly, our constitution does not permit votes cast before election day to be considered in the final tally. You want to know who votes early? Democrats. If Hillary wins it will be because of unconstitutional voting practices. I'm glad Ambassador Stevens isn't alive to see our constitution perverted like this.

Hillary's second rigging technique: absentee voting.

Folks, our democracy is supposed to be built upon this motto: one person, one vote, one day, one time, one place. Absentee voting undermines all of this. Absentee voting is prone to tampering by crooked mailmen who have an incentive to open ballots and change them to Clinton votes in the interest of maintaining their cushy government jobs. Absentee voting allows people who don't live in America to vote. It allows people to vote from different un-American timezones, temporally warping our entire democratic ritual. That's not putting America First. That's globalism. That undermines the integrity of our whole electoral process.

Hillary's third rigging technique: the voting dead.

Democrats are great at driving the dead to the polls. Millions of dead people remain registered to vote and are listed on the voter rolls in spite of being dead. Folks, dead voters have a well-known liberal bias. While I love the idea of Hillary's victims (Vince Foster, Ambassador Stevens, Justice Scalia, Seth Rich, Janet Reno, and Robin Williams) being able to vote, it's a situation ripe for abuse and fraud.


It breaks my triglyceride-clogged and shrunken heart to see our once-legitimate democratic process crumble before our very eyes. Fair elections have become a thing of the past like Blockbuster Video, Rax Roast Beef, or the Tennessee Oilers. Our founding fathers were very clear about how they wished voting to proceed: in person, on one single day, and with living people only. Trump cannot stand by and let dead people keep him out of the Oval Office. He should refuse to recognize an election where unfair practices like early voting are allowed. American democracy can afford no less.

Monday, November 7, 2016

If Hillary Wins, Impeach Her and Kaine; Speaker of the House Donald Trump is President

Image result for trump eating kfc

Danville, Kentucky -- Trump is going to win tomorrow unless the vote is rigged. We know this. He dominates the most important metrics like votes of people who don't use Obamaphones, rallies that are not Oasis rallies- we repeat not Oasis rallies, despite what some that sold their own country out for the corporate aligned interests of a Labour Party that had become so controlled by the Eurozone under Tony Blair and Gordon Brown that the Brexit vote was as preordained as Trump winning 300 plus electoral votes tomorrow.

But what if Clinton wins it folks? We have to have a plan. And luckily, it's pretty simple. If Clinton wins it will be for two reasons. First, Clinton will have rigged the votes. With major corporations getting their voting machines into polling places, instead of reliably punching the chads out like we had in Florida in 2000 where a good magnifying glass and the opinions of humans decided them after weeks of debate, we now have NAFTmAchines counting the votes. Those machines don't care who actually gets the votes. They care who gets the votes that supports these machines. Folks, Trump does not even use a computer. There's no way he'll support those machines. But Hillary will. The votes could well be rigged for her.

If only we'd read the fine print on NAFTA like we used to count our election ballots
Like all good things, primarily Kill Bill, there's a second part of this. You see, Trump has explained this election might be rigged. Unfortunately he hasn't had time to expose this enough. Instead, he's been busy dealing with the greatest betrayal since Brutus sold out the last vestiges of the Roman Republic and killed Julius Casesar. Brutus' betrayal ushered in civil war because it killed the great Caesar. Luckily for us, Trump is greater than Caesar, and Paul Ryan hates the Second Amendment and would not bring a gun or a knife to any fight. Trump has had to fight his "ally" the whole race. If he didn't, he'd have gotten these machines out of there and relied on the tried and true method of voting with paper ballots.

What a film!
When Trump loses though, we'll be looking for a new Speaker of the House. The Speaker of the House does not actually have to be a member of Congress. And wouldn't it be nice to not have a Washington Insider as Speaker? Well, obviously. So the House can vote Trump Speaker. Hell, they didn't stand up to him when he was getting killed in the polls to Hillary this summer, why would they stand up to him when he gets killed in the polls to Hillary this time? It's agreed. Trump will be Speaker.

Then there are, as often is the case, two problems. The first is Hillary Clinton. The case against her by this point will be overwhelming. First, she will have stolen the election because we know that Trump leads in all the metrics that actually count. Second, she will have to answer for the deaths of Vince Foster, Justice Scalia, Alan Rickman, Ambassador Stevens, and Gene Wilder. Third, she will have to answer for emailing on the job. Fourth, she will have to answer for stealing the election from Bernie Sanders. And finally, the body doubles and some other pretty messed up stuff.

Tim Kaine's face when he finds out Mango Habanero wings have made it into his "safe space"

That leaves Tim Kaine. Some might say he's just a goofy dude who clearly will never be President. Well, he'd be President if the House went home early after doing the right thing. And if Paul Ryan were still Speaker, there's no doubt the House would adjourn much like the French nobility did by refusing to come to terms with the National Assembly's early and reasonable demands in 1789. But the Bourbon dynasty is over. And soon, Kaine will be too. He will be guilty by association. First, I have no doubt that he will have sent Hillary Clinton an email. Which means his emails will appear on a server with known pervert Anthony Weiner and what will by then have been an impeached President, Hillary Clinton. Second, he will have refused to have spoken out against Clinton. In 1790, those in France that refused to speak out against the National Assembly's foolish move to swap lands from the Church as part of a convoluted effort at paying off the incomprehensible debt of a corrupt elite deserved to be removed. Kaine will have refused to speak out against Hillary. These are one in the same and warrant removal. The House should have no problem doing so.

One may counter that the Senate would have to vote for conviction to actually remove either. First, the good people should refuse to accept the Senate as a body after the election. If Hillary wins, all ballots will be invalid. The House will not though because even the nerdiest election prognosticators recognize that the Republicans will win the House. This tells us the will of the people is so strong for Trump they want that second option, the House option to ensure he wins. Once that's established- and it so clearly is- then we know only the House should have a vote. With only the House voting, they're both gone.

Image result for penguin national geographic
To hell with that penguin that stole that other penguin's wife.

How should Trump govern once he secures a place via the proper channel? Simple, he does what he needs to do. I will not tell the legitimately elected President, as he certainly would be if the process we have chooses him. And it would have. Liberals will gripe this will counteract the will of the people. Even if it later turns out Clinton actually won, by then Trump will have become President, we will not have a Senate, and he'll still be Speaker of the House. I would also suggest Trump go ahead and nominate himself for Scalia's seat. With no Senate to advise and confirm, he'd automatically join the Supreme Court. At that rate, Trump would control all of one branch, lead another, and be one of eight on the court. The remaining justices would at that point likely resign in protest. This leaves Trump as the only member of the Supreme Court. Controlling the Senate and the Courts, as Mace Windu once warned of Chancellor Palpatine, "He'll be too powerful to stop." Fortunately for us, Trump is someone we can trust. There's no reason to think he would ever have bad judgment or need advisers.

Tomorrow we should not fret when exit polls tell us Trump lost. Those polls are not legitimate. When I see the smartest person in America not named Trump, Schilling, and Harbaugh say he'll quit Twitter, he has to fight. Bill Mitchell will need to continue tweeting with some of the most beautiful pre-chicken objects in the world.

Thank goodness unlimited power for Trump won't be like this!
When I was a kid, my grand-daddy would call us in when the lights went out. But we weren't a bunch of idiots back then. We made friends with the man who operated the street light because in that era, the guy who operated the street lights was actually a person you see on your street and not someone you had to meet on AOL Instant Messanger because he was at a centralized location. With that friendship secure, we got him to wait and turn the lights off a little longer. The lights will not go out on a Trump Presidency tomorrow unless we let them. I will not accept the illegitimate results that will flow from ballots counted by illegitimate machines.

I'll be at Chili's tomorrow watching the results. I've found a way to sneak in my own Jim Beam Fire and there's no need to sneak anything else in because despite Obama taking away our guns, he hasn't taken away our Old Timers. Tomorrow we win. And if we don't, then we will soon enough.

Crooked NME Publishes Hit Piece on Me

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I woke up this morning still drunk. I over-slept and forget to take my nephew to school. My head still feels like a cinder-block, and I can't quite see straight. At about 11 AM, Danville time, I began to notice lots of twitter notifications on my phone. My mentions were filled with vicious attacks like this:

Folks, I haven't seen this many angry limeys since we put their empire out of business back in 1776. Maybe these folks are still salty that we had to bail their redcoat asses out in back-to-back World Wars. Maybe they're just upset at their own poor dental hygiene.

What's all the fuss about? This tweet of mine:

After groggily reaching for my phone this morning only to discover a stream of hateful tweets full of incomprehensible limey slang, I found this article.
The crooked NME (New Musical Express) alleged that I falsified images of a Trump rally by misrepresenting pictures of an Oasis concert.

Folks, the failing NME has no grounds to criticize me. These are the guys who regularly put androgynous degenerates like Morrissey, Jarvis Cocker, David Bowie, and Jack Lydon on their covers. They didn't disavow John Lennon after his blasphemous proclamation that his band was "Bigger than Jesus" in 1966. Now, they're using their considerable influence on social media to direct torrents of trolls at innocent Trump supporters like me. They're screaming that I'm a liar for all the internet to hear. The NME's megaphone must be taken away.

Folks, I stand by my tweet. My auto mechanic friend in Algona, Iowa -- a man I trust with both my Ford 1-50 truck and my life -- swears on his golden retriever's life that the pictures are from a Trump rally in Davenport this past summer. My buddy took the photos himself. I trust my buddy in Algona far more than a magazine that continually publishes glowing reviews of albums by metrosexual bands like Coldplay and Keane.

Thankfully, I will only have to endure this injustice for one more day. Come tomorrow, Trump will be president and the libel laws will be tightened. In Trump's America, awful journalism like the NME will no longer be tolerated.

Friday, November 4, 2016

The TWTW Model: Final Update

Danville, Kentucky -- Here we are folks: the home stretch. 4th down. The bottom of the 9th inning. The sprint to the finish-line. Next Tuesday, Donald J. Trump will be the President of the United States.

Folks, one of the best foods in all the world is airport pizza. That's right, airport pizza. The kind they sell for $7 a slice after it's been sitting under a lamp for hours. The kind that's so greasy it makes you want to take a shower after you eat it. The kind of pizza with slippery cheese and sweaty little pockets of grease atop each pepperoni.

Folks, airport pizza thrives in pressure situations. When the bright spotlights and microwave beams come pressing down upon airport pizza, its deliciousness only increases. Folks, Hillary Clinton does not thrive in pressure situations. She's crumbling and hobbling to the finish line.

Here are the key indicators that lead me to predict a Trump win on Tuesday:

1) Halloween Masks

Enough said. I'll trust tried-and-trued indicators like this over Nate Silver's mathematical fairy tales any day.

2) Facebook Activity

Trump is all the rage on social media, generating far more enthusiasm among internet users. This augurs well for his presidential run.

3) Landline voters

So much polling these days is conducted poorly. Many poll are conducted via the internet or only poll respondents who use cellphones. Folks, these polls stack the deck against Trump. Trump's supporters are salt-of-the-earth folks. They're often "off the grid." My Uncle Bert in Flint and Aunt Jodie-May in West Virginia don't have internet, and they certainly don't have cellphones. Plenty of Americans haven't jumped on these bandwagons either. Cellphones have tiny buttons, are easy to lose, give you cancer, cost a ton of money, and are unnecessary if you have an old-fashioned wired phone. Most Americans are landline folk: hard-working, honest, rustic Luddites who would rather put their feet up and watch a VHS tape of For Love of the Game than surf the web and answer polls. Diligent voters like Bert and Jodie-May get ignored by liberal polls and FiveThirtyEight, while Obamaphone voters are grossly over-sampled. The pollsters are in for a surprise when the hidden landline voters swing the election.

4) The Cleveland Indians Lost

The Cleveland Indians are still losers. This all but ensures that Trump will win Ohio and its 18 electoral votes. The people of Ohio have been kicked in the junk yet again by Hillary and her liberal North Side Cubs. Set aside the fact that Donald once tried to buy the Cleveland Indians and move the franchise to Tampa for just a minute. Nerd political scientists believe that Cleveland's defeat will sour Ohio voters' perception of their well-being, increasing their desire for a break from the corrupt Clinton status quo. That's a boon for Donald.

5) Trump Notched a Key Endorsement from Yuengling

You heard that right folks. The brewers of one of America's finest ales have finally raised their voice and picked a candidate. Most lovers of beer were already in the tank for Trump anyway, but this key endorsement will likely motivate high turnout among bar-goers everywhere. That's bad news for noted alcoholic Hillary Clinton.

6) Hillary Clinton is a Demon from Hell

We knew she was dangerous, but not even I saw this one coming. The latest round of Wikileaks revelations were stunning. They confirmed the brilliant Alex Jones' suspicion that Crooked Hillary is an "abject, psychopathic, demon from Hell" who reeks of sulfur. Leaked emails have shown that Hillary's campaign manager is a fan of "Spirit Cooking," and regularly hosts perverse satanic rituals.

Folks, this is the biggest scandal since Trump shed light on Ted Cruz's connection to the murder of John F. Kennedy. This bombshell might help Hillary on the margins with atheist and satanist voters, but will undoubtedly put Hillary in an even deeper hole with Evangelical and religious voters, who worship Jesus and not Lucifer. That could flip states with God-fearing folk like Pennsylvania and Florida to Donald. Wow!

7) My Own Data Suggests Trump Enthusiasm is Surging 

Folks, everywhere I go I see higher enthusiasm for Donald than I do Crooked Hillary. There's way more Trump yard signs in Danville than Clinton signs, even accounting for the fact that my neighbor's punk kids keep stealing mine. But the true proof of Trump's surge comes for the "Honk for Trump" sign I installed near the road by my house. I can barely sleep anymore. All of hours of the day and night, people honk as they drive pass my sign to express their allegiance to Donald. Honks don't lie, folks!


Folks, I stand by my predictions. Trump will win. It's simply the only conclusion one can draw if you take time to gauge the nation's feelings about this election. Elections aren't about numbers, or data, or polls-plus versus polls-only. They're about people. People voting. People need a reason to turn off their TV, drive to a nearby church, and cast their ballot. Trump is the only candidate who makes people want to get out of their bed in the morning and vote. Barring any fraud or rigging, Trump will be the next President of the United States.

The TWTW Election Model is based on anecdotes and interviews with 0 or more randomly chosen registered voters nationwide and was conducted under the direction of Will Hart. The survey includes results among roughly 3-6 likely voters from Danville, Kentucky.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

AlcoHillary Must Be Stopped

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, let me tell you about a woman. A woman who broke my heart. We had so much in common. We loved University of Kentucky basketball, Bengals football, and most of all, Reds baseball. More importantly, she was a woman you could unwind with: the type of unpretentious girl you could be yourself around. We'd sip wine at Olive Garden, savor Margaritas at Chilis, and chug foamy beers at Dave and Busters. She was my lover, but she was also my drinking buddy.

But it was not to last. There eventually came a day when she didn't want to drink at Olive Garden or Chilis anymore. When we'd visit the liquor store she'd head straight to the expensive section with obscure locally-brewed spirits, not even sparing a passing glance for the Fireball, Kentucky Deluxe, and Miller Lite that we had once cherished together. When she purchased a $500 bottle of wine with some unintelligible French name instead of our usual drink of choice -- Boone's Farm -- I knew that we had grown apart.

Folks, Hillary can never be America's drinking buddy. The woman doesn't drink for fun. She drinks to numb the guilt she feels for all the lives she has ruined. Could you sleep at night if you killed Vince Foster, Ambassador Stevens, Justice Scalia, and Gene Wilder? As the bodies have continued to pile up around her, she's turned to the bottle more and more.

We can't let AlcoHillary get the nuclear codes. We can't make her the commander in chief. We can't let her start a drunken brawl with Putin. We can't let her have a few too many and then draft our sons and daughters into another Middle East quagmire. If Hillary gets a hold of some strong scotch, there will be Abrams tanks rolling into Moscow, Crimea, Pyongyang, Tehran, Beijing, and Aleppo faster than you can say "Benghazi."

Folks, the Clintons have gone to great lengths to hide AlcoHillary's secret. References to her debilitating problem are probably scattered throughout her scrubbed emails, along with details of a certain boozy tryst with Huma Abedin. You can hide your emails Hillary, but you can't hide your intoxicating little secret from the American people.