Sunday, January 29, 2017

Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court Justice

Danville, Kentucky -- The moment of truth has come. The moment they said would never come. The moment that Nate Silver and Nate Cohn and countless other bespectacled data gurus named Nate said would never happen. The moment when Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, picks a Supreme Court Justice and forever alters the destiny of our great nation.

Folks, I'll give you a recap if you're just tuning in. Last season on the smash-hit TV show "American Democracy," beloved textualist, traditionalist and constructionist Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia mysteriously died. This left a vacancy on the nation's highest court, one which Donald must now fill. Scalia had dutifully held that seat since 1986, a simpler time when America's enemies wore uniforms and our battles were fought on ideological rather than civilizational grounds. The circumstances of his untimely passage are still murky, and I suspect Hillary Clinton was involved, adding to the already prolific count of important political figures to have been slain by the former First Lady and Secretary of State.

Donald Trump can delay no longer. He must appoint Scalia's successor; a man who will uphold our precious constitution. A man who knows that the constitution is not a "living document" because documents are definitionally just pieces of paper and not sentient beings capable of adapting to rapidly changing political contexts. I once thought Donald should appoint himself to the Supreme Court. I still stand by that plan; Donald would easily win confirmation. But now I have a better plan: Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court Justice.

It makes too much sense, folks. Not only is Rudy America's mayor, he knows the ins and outs of the US legal system. He used his connections at the FBI to help convince FBI director James Comey to investigate Hillary Clinton, flipping the election to Donald. He helped craft Donald's wildly successful and expertly-implemented travel ban. More importantly, he's loyal to both the constitution and Mr. Trump. I know many conservatives are hoping Trump picks one of the names on the list of egghead lawyers that is currently circulating. I know these men have more law degrees and trial experience than Mr. Giuliani. But Trump shouldn't pick people just because they were writing for obscure law reviews nobody will read while Rudy was busy being America's mayor. We all know any college degree except a Trump University degree isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Donald has done a fantastic job assembling a cabinet full of experts like Ben Carson, Betsy DeVos, and that guy who made the sexy Hardee's commercials. But he hasn't rewarded Rudy, who steadfastly defended Donald throughout the brutal 2016 campaign. Rudy's has been Donald's bulldog; barking loudly in defense of Mr. Trump in the face of a biased and malicious media. This type of loyalty must be rewarded. America needs a bulldog on the Supreme Court: somebody willing to defend Donald's signature accomplishments like The Wall, NAFTA renegotiation, taking ISIS's oil, prosecuting Rafael Cruz, deporting robots, investigating Pizzagate and pardoning Pete Rose. All of these policies and more will come under immediate fire thanks to the army of liberal lawyers chomping at the bit to hit Donald with frivolous lawsuits. These policies need a defender. They need a bulldog. Rudy can be that bulldog. Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court, Mr. President.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Invade Chicago

Danville, Kentucky -- Sometimes, folks don't know what's best for them. People are often short-sighted and myopic, and don't always act in their best interest. Sometimes, even good and decent folk need to be saved from themselves. Nobody likes being told that they're ruining their own life; I've never responded kindly to my wife's criticism that spending $200 a week at Olive Garden is imprudent. She rightly outlines both fiscal and health reasons why I need to lay off the unlimited soup, salad, and bread-sticks festivities. Yes, I know a man only making about $20,000 a year shouldn't be spending hundreds of dollars a month on gnocchi and chicken parmesan. Yes, I know the intake of trans-fat, calories, sodium, and cholesterol associated with my Olive Garden habit is slowly killing me. But old habits die hard. Thank God I have my wife to badger me in to going to Subway or Jimmy John's instead once in a while so that I can eat healthier and more affordably.

Folks, somebody's got to set Chicago straight. They definitely do not know what is best for them. Chicago is rapidly becoming a warzone, a hell-scape, a nightmarish urban zone of sacrifice comparable to Fallujah, Kabul, or Jakku. Worse, there's no voice of reason like my wife to fix this situation. It's time for drastic action. It's time for President Trump to send in a federal counter-insurgency force of National Guard units, military personnel, special forces commandos, death troopers, Navy Seal teams, and heavy artillery pieces. The United States Navy should immediately deploy a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier -- perhaps a newly minted "U.S.S. Trump" -- to Lake Michigan's western shore so as to blockade this crime-infested murder den and prevent liberal sympathizers from sneaking supplies into the city.

Nothing less will bring an end to the bloodshed in Chicago. Nothing less will ensure lasting peace and stability in the Great State of Illinois, Land of Lincoln.
So much is at stake in Chicago right now, which has become a lawless sanctuary city thanks to the corrupt reign of President Obama, Rahm Emanuel, and Joe Maddon. Here are the ironclad reasons Trump must swiftly restore order to Chicago by any means necessary:

1) Chicago-style hot dogs are a clear and present danger to national security

Folks, there are a two wrong ways to eat a hot dog: in the south, or in Chicago. Folks living south of my homeland Kentucky don't know how to cook and prepare a hot dog correctly. Southerners are best at preparing pork if it's barbecued or pulled, but not if it's served in hot dog form. Chicago's problem isn't that they don't know how to prepare a hot dog. It's that they load it up with foul and unnecessary condiments to the point where it becomes unrecognizable, a veritable atrocity warranting decisive federal intervention.

Two condiment choices in particular strike me as indefensible: the bright green sweet pickle relish and tomatoes. The sweet pickle relish pairs awfully with the savory and spicy notes of the peppers and onions that top this dog. It is also redundant with the pickle spear that typically accompanies any Chicago-style dog. Not only is this relish unappetizing, it's bright green color is aesthetically revolting, and reminds me of radioactive waste or Flubber. The choice to put tomatoes on a hot dog is similarly misguided and un-American. Folks, no true American eats tomatoes unless they are served as tomato sauce on a pizza, in salsa form, or as a canned Campbell's soup served with Goldfish crackers. These disgusting and slimy vegetables do not belong anywhere near a hot dog. If you want to eat a hot dog correctly, try a Cincinnati-style chili dog or a Detroit-style coney dog. Mr. Trump, please direct the United States Air Force to neutralize any known manufacturers of hot dogs in the Chicago area. The fate of American cuisine hangs in the balance.

2) Guaranteed Rate Field is a crime against humanity

No organization has suffered more from the humanitarian crisis unfolding in Chicago than the White Sox. The escalating violence has caused baseball talent to flee the city, with stars such as Chris Sale and Adam Eaton among the players to have left the south side in exile. The violence has taken its toll on the White Sox roster, but it has also taken its toll on the dignity of the franchise. Since leaving the legendary Comiskey Park, which hosted the White Sox in their glory days and also hosted a pair of famous Beatles concerts, the franchise has played in some really lousy stadiums. Cellular Field was an ugly tin can, more uncomfortable than a red-eye flight on a packed plane. The team's new digs, Guaranteed Rate Field, promises to be no better.
What corporate focus group is responsible for creating that logo? Not to mention the fact that "Guaranteed Rate Field" is perhaps the blandest, most nondescript stadium name in any sport. Nothing says "come to our ballpark" like a red arrow on a downward trajectory. Then again, the White Sox are also on a decades-long downward trajectory of their own.
To save the Chicago White Sox from themselves -- the once proud franchise that gave us legendary announcer Hawk Harrelson, Hall of Fame slugger Frank "the Big Hurt" Thomas, and all-time great glue-guy Tyler Saladino -- President Trump must impose martial law, occupy Guaranteed Rate Field, and begin the long process of building a new stadium with a less humiliating name. If we can tear down and rebuild Iraq, we can tear down and rebuild this awful stadium.

3) Jay Cutler is an enemy combatant and must be detained

The Cubs won the world series - but the rest of Chicago sports are in a largely sorry state. Dwayne Wade has not made the Chicago Bulls great again. But the biggest crime is happening just a stone's throw from the majestic Lake Michigan at the splendid Soldier Field. The formerly mighty Chicago Bears are mired in mediocrity thanks to their oft-injured and ineffective quarterback, Jay Cutler. He was recently signed to a massive extension. There is a strong argument that this is the worst contract in the NFL. Jay Cutler's continued existence is an existential threat to the Chicago Bears. President Trump should immediately issue a warrant for his arrest, and indefinitely detain him without trial at Guantanamo Bay or an equivalently secure C.I.A. black site.


Chicago is a tinderbox waiting to explode. Trump is faced with an unenviable choice. He can leave Chicago to fester and burn, sacrificing many innocent lives in the process. Or he can boldly order a federal intervention into the city, risking prolonged occupation, radicalization, blowback, and even more bloodshed. Abraham Lincoln was once faced with a similarly unenviable choice, and history rewarded him for risking blood and treasure to preserve our union. President Trump cannot delay any longer. Chicago must be invaded, for its own good.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Hands Off My Trumpcare!

Danville, Kentucky -- America is a nation of builders. We love to create, construct, craft, and assemble. We built the glorious visages of Mt. Rushmore, the Washington Monument’s skyward spire, the winding highways upon which our systems of commerce depend, and the golden arches that litter strip malls around our good land.

But America also loves to destroy. To demolish, obliterate, erase, and unmoor the foundations of yesterday to make room for tomorrow.

Folks, I know this truth more than most Americans. Around 2009 I had a gig on a demolition crew. We were the most over-qualified demolition crew ever. In the aftermath of the 2008 Obama recession, folks were desperate for jobs. My co-workers and fellow demolition enthusiasts included ex-real estate agents, laid off auto engineers, some scrawny kid with a degree in supply chain management, an ex-quality control specialist, a guy from middle management of a dishwasher manufacturer, and recent college graduates who left their cozy campuses only to find a barren job market. We were an unlikely bunch, but we all needed to provide for our families, and folks willing to get their hands dirty while knocking down old buildings are always in demand. Some of these folks were not accustomed to the blue-collar lifestyle, unfamiliar with the sound and the fury that accompanies demolition projects. But they didn’t complain. Beggars can’t be choosers. They were just grateful to have any job at all.

Folks, if you ignored the pressing economic conditions that led us to enter the demolition business, it was rewarding employment. Dismantling a building brick by brick and stone by stone is quite a rush. There's nothing more exhilarating than knocking down walls with only a sledgehammer and your own inner fury. Sometimes, as I would hack away with my trusty chainsaw, I’d imagine the faces of the elites who authored the financial crisis: John McCain, Harry Reid, Meryl Streep, George Bush, Bill Clinton, Michael Moore. It was an outlet for the lingering rage I felt towards a country and government that had abandoned and forsaken me.

A few months after starting the job, I had a horrible workplace accident. Some bozo dropped a tool-case full of heavy equipment on my right foot and shattered several bones. The foot had been infected with gout a few years prior. Insurance companies wouldn’t cover the injury because of this pre-existing condition. I can't really blame them, folks. Why would they want to insure me? I would cost the insurance company a ton of money, and the insurance company folks are trying to run a business after all. I couldn’t afford to pay for the surgical procedures that would repair my foot, or even a cast. But whose fault is that? I can't afford a Blu-Ray player or a motor scooter either, should the government provide me subsidies to purchase those too?

My dilemma illuminates the basic crisis facing the American healthcare system: folks get hurt or sick, and want big government to fix all their problems. Thanks to Obamacare, a startling throwback to the centrally-planned nightmare of Soviet Russia, America’s healthcare system is in worse shape than ever. The problem is that millennials want free stuff from the government, and they want taxpayers to foot the bill. Folks, we should know by now that government is the problem not the solution, as President Reagan once said. What America’s healthcare system needs is not more communist solutions like Obamacare. We need to unleash the ingenuity of America’s private sector.

When I look around America, I see folks struggling. I see folks in my own Kentucky neighborhood suffering from black lung, or toiling because of opioid addiction. Trump needs to fix this morass, and turn the socialist horrors of Obamacare into the free market brilliance of Trumpcare. Here’s how to make American healthcare great again – greater than ever before:


Folks, the government needs to make sure that what happened to me never happens to anyone else. Because no company would give me insurance after my demolition accident, I could never receive treatment for my gout or the shattered bones in my foot. I had to wrap duct-tape around my foot until it healed. I went through so many pairs of socks because of my foot’s annoying habit of continually bleeding. It’s a no brainer for the government to step in and guarantee that the insurance companies don’t snub hardworking folks who are between a rock and a hard place.


Folks, providing healthcare can be expensive. Especially if you’re a “mom and pop” business. Many small businesses would like to offer healthcare plans to their employees, but have trouble finding the resources to do so. To nudge the market in the right direction, the government should offer tax credits to compensate businesses that help their employees pay for coverage. Loyalty to one’s employees should be rewarded, folks. Offering tax cuts to businesses that exhibit loyalty to their employees allows us to both expand coverage while adhering to conservative principles.


Folks, it’s hard for young kids to get insurance these days thanks to the Obama recession. Fewer jobs means fewer employers willing to offer coverage to their employees. If their parents already have a coverage plan, why not let the kids stay on it just a little bit longer? How about until the children turn 26? Kids these days are already freeloaders, so there’s no harm in giving parents some peace of mind by making sure they can keep their kids covered for a little bit longer.


Trump did not campaign on corporate lackey Paul Ryan’s callous austerity platform which entails huge cuts to Medicare and Social Security. I voted for Trump because he promised to keep the good government programs that help people like me while ensuring that foreigners don't steal our entitlements. Trump reached me like no politician since Barry Goldwater or Joe Biden has reached me before. Trump understands that sometimes the government needs to lend a helping hand to hardworking folks like myself. That’s why Donald said “you need to help people” even though “it's not very Republican to say.”

Donald Trump is the man that told Americans he wouldn’t allow folks to die in the street. Meanwhile, Paul Ryan wants us to die in the streets, or at a minimum to be sent to poorhouses like Victorian England. Every senior citizen receiving affordable life-saving treatment thanks to LBJ’s Great Society programs is just a leech sapping resources and committing theft against taxpayers in the eyes of Paul Ryan, America's blue-eyed executioner. The silent majority did not vote to kill our grandparents. We did not vote for Paul Ryan’s “Better Way,” Donald.


Nobody should have to foot their own healthcare bill when disaster strikes. When I grievously wounded my foot, I had to sell my cherished baseball card collection and favorite motorcycle to afford treatment. That’s not ideal. If we’re going to stop insurance companies from denying coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, we need to mandate that everyone has insurance or the market will enter a death spiral. We can’t have ONLY sick people in the insurance market, we need healthy people as well. Thomas Paine would call that commonsense, folks. The best part is that my plan utilizes free market forces to help increase coverage.


Thanks to my hard work, I eventually paid for the treatments and my foot healed. These days, I enjoy going to the old Danville High football field and practicing my field goal kick with that formerly maimed foot. I’m still a great kicker, better than lots of NFL kickers I’d reckon. But not all folks are as lucky as me. For those who can’t raise the funds to pay for their expensive medical treatments, the government should be a force for good and help these folks achieve their American Dream. America loves to both create and destroy. That’s why Trump should annihilate Obamacare and replace it with the commonsense conservative plan I have outlined here. From the ashes of our current healthcare disaster, we will build a workable alternative. You’re gonna love Trumpcare, folks.