Monday, April 25, 2016

Two Against One Ain't Fair: Why Cruz and Kasich Are Sore Losers


Danville, Kentucky -- In Fifteenth Century Europe, good friends were hard to come by. The Teutonic Knights, a scrappy band of warrior-monks, found this out the hard way. After this gritty, young Catholic military-religious order got screwed in Papal Court, they tried to assert control of the Daugava River by force, launching an invasion of Poland in 1409. Thus began the Polish–Lithuanian–Teutonic War. It should’ve been a historic triumph for the Teutonic Order and its faithful adherents; but the treacherous Poles, with their backs against the wall, teamed up with the Grand Duchy of Lithuania – turning the tide of the battle. Defeated, and forced to pay war reparations to the Polish-Lithuanian usurpers, the Teutonic Knights never recovered their former glory and strength.

Jan Matejko, Bitwa pod Grunwaldem
In World War II, we saw a similar strategy at work. The Japanese, Nazis, and fascist Italians knew they couldn’t beat Uncle Sam by themselves. So they created an unholy alliance and plunged the globe into a Second World War.


It’s a tried and true strategy – it’s been deployed by Batman, Superman, and many other important historical figures. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," they always say. It was most recently employed by LeBron James; when LeBron couldn’t win in his home city of Cleveland, he took his talents to Miami with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh – starting the NBA’s talent arms race, which is still distorting parity throughout the league.


The team-up strategy is especially dangerous when deployed in the democratic context – when Omar Infante of the 2015 World Champion Kansas City Royals™ was on the cusp of being democratically selected to represent the American League at Second Base, sabermetric nerds and opponents of egalitarianism across the nation pooled their votes to elect José Altuve instead. Democracy was subverted, and Omar was denied his rightful opportunity to play second base alongside the league’s finest. Folks, we can’t let what happened to Omar happen to Donald.


The common denominator: only losers team up when they can’t take down a winner by themselves. Lyin’ Canada Ted Cruz, he of JFK assassination fame, and Borin’ John Kasich, he of manufacturing job destruction fame, know that they don’t have the chops to beat Donald the old fashioned way. Neither one of them can get the required 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the GOP nomination. Yesterday, crybaby sore losers Cruz and Kasich officially announced they are teaming up to obstruct Donald.


I'm not opposed to teamwork or teaming up in the abstract. I team up with my nephew every Tuesday night, to vanquish mouth-watering appetizers and tantalizing entrees as a team. Nobody is a bigger fan of the Applebee's Two-For-Twenty than me. When I team up with my nephew at Applebee's, everybody wins.


Unfortunately for Cruz and Kasich, losers don’t win. Winners win. And Donald is a winner. Donald can’t be stopped – not by parliamentary tricks, contested conventions, liberal pundits, RINOs, or the Koch-Soros-Bush GOP establishment illuminati. Donald is unstoppable, with my internal polling projections predicting a landslide sweep of the remaining delegates, but the RINOs in Washington like Cruz and Kasich will stop at nothing to stop him. They don’t care if they destroy democracy and ignore the will of the people in the process. They can’t win, so now their sole mission -- democracy be damned -- is to stop Donald from winning. It’s a total loser move, folks. I know Ted Cruz’s dad was too busy trying to kill Kennedy to be a real father, but surely he taught his son that two against one isn’t fair? In the 2016 Republican primary, like 15th Century Europe, good friends are hard to come by.

Teaming up never pays off if you're a loser. Poland and Lithuania won control of the Daugava River, but the Teutonic Knights will be remembered as one of the coolest quasi-religious militias that medieval Europe ever knew. Germany, Japan, and Italy started World War II, but Uncle Sam finished it. After teaming up with Bosh and Wade, LeBron left Miami with his tail between his legs and only two NBA championships. The unholy alliance of sabermetric nerds stopped Omar Infante from playing in the All Star Game, but they couldn't stop Kansas City from taking the crown. Nothing will stop Donald from taking the crown, either.