Saturday, March 12, 2016

Ban Kasich

This man is a weirdo
Danville, Kentucky - In 1996, life -- like it often is -- was not easy. The perils of NAFTA entered year two, as factories closed and health plans disappeared. We needed hope.

One great film of 1996 gave us hope: a comedy called "Fargo." For those that have not seen this cinematic achievement, finish reading this article, then go find the movie. I would advise you to go rent it at Blockbuster, but you can't, because NAFTA so devalued the idea of labor that we let mom and pop stores and the joys of teenagers getting summer jobs instead of summer drugs get replaced by Netflix and Hulus.

John Kasich does not love Fargo though, in fact he moved to ban "Fargo."  Kasich wanted to ban "Fargo," a comedy folks, I mean Blockbuster -- the world's greatest movie store in history -- classified it as such. Kasich called it a drama unfit for the shelves of Blockbuster. Folks, we should be pretty surprised. I've called for banning a lot of things -- the St. Louis Cardinals, the Colorado Rockies, Marco Rubio, Cam Newton, and honestly, some things I can't even remember. But I would never call for banning America's great film.

The signs so many stores faced in Kasich's America
The sins of Kasich date far before 1996 though. They date to what Jay-Z once called, "The year was '94." That year we all had a choice: the American worker or multi-national corporations and Canada. Kasich choose to align with Canada. America has never recovered. The financial crisis of NAFTA is unending, few things could be worse.

I just love Mario and Luigi
Somehow Kasich may have found one of the few things worse than NAFTA. From 2001 to 2008 -- longer than Perry Ellis has been in college -- John Kasich was a Managing Director for Lehman Brothers. For those of you with better things to do than follow brothers that are not Mario and Luigi, Lehman Brothers was a firm that gave adjustable rate loans and other dirty real estate tricks to ruin the economy. Yet, Kasich made dollar after dollar while the American economy fell into the gutter. The few Americans lucky enough to not lose their jobs from NAFTkAsich suddenly dealt with a firm collapsing the economy. One man was at the center of both: Kasich, or more like, this case makes me sick.

Then there's Kasich's horrendous tenure as the Governor of Ohio. Look no further than the Cleveland Browns. The fine blue collar workers of Cleveland have dealt with many devastating defeats. From the Indians in the 1997 World Series to the entire existence of the Browns. Kasich once again sold the worker out at the expense of "free trade." While the Patriots cheated by paying Tom Brady less than his fair market value, similar to how Mexico pays their workers way less than fair market value so we can't compete, Kasich allows the Browns to operate in a league where they can't compete. Trump didn't stand for that -- his USFL tried to challenge such a wasteland of a league like the NFL. Kasich only perpetuated it.

A good boy watching Kasich outsource America jobs
Where has Kasich been for the people of Ohio? Johnny Manziel is an absolute disaster. Yet, Kasich is too busy running for President to deal with the QB of the Browns, the most important face in Ohio next to LeBron James and every Bengal. Trump actually makes sure his employees are in okay shape. In fact, Trump makes his clothes in China to make sure he doesn't have American workers under his watch facing the perils of NAFTA. Trump makes sure he doesn't have people he fails to care for like Kasich.

With all this, many wonder: how has Kasich managed to keep getting elected if he is this bizarre? One word: LeBron. In 2010, LeBron James left the Cavs. That summer, he went to Miami. The horrendous then Governor, Ted Strickland, failed to keep Ohio's most important player. LeBron was an inspiration to Ohio and he was outsourced to Miami. In 2014, just in time for Kasich's reelection, LeBron announced he was coming home. Kasich went on to win nearly every county. LeBron won't be there to save Kasich forever though. Unless, Kasich makes LeBron his V.P. Knowing Kasich though, he'll probably ask for a guy who lives on adjustable rates, or the 3 point line like Steph Curry. It's time to once and for all ban the man that has banned Ohio's jobs and scarred its collective psyche. Ban Kasich.