Friday, May 22, 2015

Ban Skip Bayless


Danville, Kentucky - In 2013 I thought I met the love of my life, again. I made a connection with someone on farmersonly.com. I was excited, folks. This woman was beautiful and grew the finest tobacco this side of Appomattox. I showed up to and found a beautiful woman who understood the 1974 Reds and refused to listen to anything defending Obamacare. Only as I went to confront the waiter about the injustice of a forced 15% gratuity did I find out she didn't like the class of 90's songs. It took hours, but I realized what was seemingly was the love of my life was the heartbreak of the moment.

In contrast, Skip Bayless is the horror of this and every other moment. Anyone with reason knows he is the epitome of awful. Yet, for those of us that watch the games and coverage, dismissing Skip is as easy as cancelling a subscription to U.S. News & World Report after they only listed schools with Statistics Department's in their top 100 schools.

However, it's important to occasionally remind ourselves about the horrors of the worst. This is a time for choosing, and it's important we all choose to remember the most recent evidence and come away with one truth: Skip Bayless must be banned.

Folks, I know many of you reading this think you are fancy and capable of reading things well. Well, I'm going to teach you how to really read what Skip's saying.

Enter foolishness:
Skip follows one person. If Skip didn't want his feed clogged with Tony Romo tweets he could follow literally anyone else. Skip's not going to do that because he wants to know everything Romo is doing. Skip probably isn't married because he's like these young people that go on dates with people they've seen every Facebook post about. In my day, a nice woman would tell you about her trip to Cancun or her favorite movies, and you'd be in awe as she told you about "The Godfather II." Now, these young bloods already know everything about their date so they are horrifically bored the whole date. Then, nobody gets married and we have modern America. Folks, it doesn't have to be that way. Look at everyone on your Androids and your Iphones and suddenly, there's no problem. However, Skip has just one person. He's sick of Romo. Follow someone else, like everyone else does, Skip.
My third wife once claimed she could drive a stick shift. I knew my third wife couldn't drive a stick shift. I knew my friend Wildcat was right when he said my wife couldn't drive a stick shift. As a result, Wildcat said he felt uncomfortable with her driving us back. Still, I told Wildcat my wife could do it because she was my wife. We were a team and Wildcat was wondering why I would lie. Yes, folks, my third wife crashed the car, blamed me, took my high school letterman's jacket, and broke my heart, but I had to say she was able to do something I knew she was lying about. She was my team. Brady is Kraft's team.
I once bought a second Netflix account because I was ashamed that my nephew would see my history and realize I watched a documentary about Christian Laettner. When I saw this tweet I created a second Twitter account because I was ashamed I needed to follow Skip Bayless to occasionally expose the idiotic tweets of the day.