Saturday, October 31, 2015

Ban London: TWTW's Lions @ Chiefs Preview


Danville, Kentucky -- London, England. A city that some liberals would claim rivals the magisterial splendor of cultural hubs like New York, or even Cincinnati. A city that untold American blood has been shed in defense of; too much American blood for this man's taste. We fought a war to be free of the red-coated terror. Good tea was sacrificed in a harbor of freedom on behalf of that cause. In 1738, King George III was born, ushering in a reign of terror upon the innocent colonists of the New World. In 1814, the English burnt down our White House in one last futile attempt to subdue us. We became back-to-back World War champions for them. We put up with another British Invasion in the 60's that put hard-working American musicians out of business and stole attention from national treasures like Neil Diamond.

But now, the English have forced good Americans to make yet another sacrifice. This Sunday, the Detroit Lions and Kansas City Chiefs will face off in London's Wembley Stadium, in front of ungrateful limeys who don't appreciate American sports or American sacrifices. The game will not be played in Liverpool, or Manchester: blue-collar industrial English cities with character and grit who might appreciate gridiron glory. It will be played in London, a town where bourgeoisie tourists go to sip tea and take selfies while listening to One Direction.

If the NFL wanted to play games in front of an audience that doesn't care or understand the game or even watch the game, they could've just given some free tickets to Nate Silver and the 538 crowd. The true fans deserve better.The good people of Kansas City will lose an opportunity to see the Chiefs play a home game at Arrowhead Stadium. Because of timezone differences, the good people of Detroit will be forced to get absolutely hammered 6 hours earlier than normal in preparation for another depressing Sunday of Lions football.

As a Danville man raised in the expanse of Midwest nothingness that lay between these two cities, Detroit v. Kansas City match-ups have long fascinated me. I've written about the Tigers and (World Series favorites) Royals here, here, here, here, and here. While the MLB confusingly puts these two great cities in the same division, the NFL recognizes the cultural chasm that lies between them. Kansas City is a town where folks complain about the weather as they wear shorts and sandals in the waning days of October; Detroit is a town where its inhabitants forget the touch and feel of sunshine for a good 5 months per year. Children of Michigan fall in love with lakes, the woods, the fields, and little rivers; those born on the plains of Missouri and Kansas remember only the flat expanses of gently waving amber wheat. Yet, both cities are proud of their crafts: be it Kansas City jazz, Motown, BBQ, or automobiles. Both cities are proud to be American.

In spite of their cultural and geographical differences, Detroit and Kansas City find themselves united against a common enemy, just as our founding fathers did all those years ago. Just as Americans from all walks of life rallied to defeat the lobster-back menace in the 1770s, all Americans must unite now to resist England's usurpation of the National Football League.

The NFL clearly no longer cares about its fans, only bombarding us with advertisements for Draft Kings and Buffalo Wild Wings. They won't Ban Brady, and their safety protocols have made the game I once knew unrecognizable. Before long, there will be an NFL team playing in front of the spray-tanned Hollywood liberal hordes of Los Angeles, instead of a less flashy blue-collar town. The NFL has fostered an environment that favors racking up meaningless passing stats while the grind of a hard-nosed running game is abandoned. College coaches and gimmick guys like Chip Kelly have jobs, while longtime NFL men like Wade Philips have to be coordinators.

The NFL would rather let bored Englishmen watch these fine teams than loyal American fans. Indeed, what few Londoners do show up to watch the Lions-Chiefs game will be disappointed when they realize that American football doesn't feature penalty kicks and theatrical flopping. The NFL has no qualms about disrupting the delicate preparation routines of generational talents like Calvin Johnson and Alex Smith by forcing them to travel across the Atlantic. The Lions and Chiefs should have no qualms about refusing to take the field, even if it causes anarchy in the UK.

London has taken enough from America. They took our taxation, and they took our representation. Some Americans gave all they had to give, so that the English may have the freedom to parasitically enjoy the great American game of football. I call on President Trump and/or President Fiorina to immediately reinstate Thomas Jefferson's Embargo Act of 1807, which banned all exports from the United States to Europe, until the NFL and London cease and desist their treasonous behavior. America grudgingly refers to our native tongue and language as "English." Yet, the crooked-toothed bastards, who our grandfathers died face-down in the muck fighting at Bunker Hill, refuse to open a Chili's or Applebee's on their soil. Most ominously, football games in London can only be a prelude to an International Football League. Before long, American heroes like Peyton Manning may soon be forced to play games on North Korean or Cuban soil, all in the name of expanding the amount of people the NFL can bombard with Draft Kings and Buffalo Wild Wings commercials.

The Continental Congress didn't declare independence from the British only to have their ancestors destroy what makes this country special. Americans must now unite to banish the NFL from London before London once again banishes us.