Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Chipotle: Genetically Modify its Death

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Danville, Kentucky - We all make investments. That's what we have to remember. At 33 I inherited a decent fortune. I felt confident. Richard Nixon was leading this country to victory after the Soviets stole Gold from us in the Olympics. As we set our clocks back an hour and braced for a return to the plight of winter, I invested that decent fortune in a business idea sure to send me to Wall Street.

Moonshine bubbles. The concept was simple. The user would dabble his or her wand in the elixir and await the delicious treat. Folks would gather around the room and blow a range of 190 proof alcohol at their friends in bubble form. The party guests were in for a treat. They had to catch as many bubbles as possible before they popped and lost out.

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Unfortunately, Moonshine bubbles were an idea behind its time. I have no doubt Moonshine bubbles would have made me the non-evil version of Steve Jobs if I were fortunate enough to live in the 1950's. Sadly, fortune is as random as the odds Nate Silver is wrong or embarrassingly wrong. The world had gone soft. Carter had taken over after Nixon was forced to resign, not because he emailed while at work like Hillary Clinton, but because the world was not yet privy to the liberal bias of the Washington Post. A bankruptcy, a divorce, 2 marriages, and 4 kids later, Moonshine bubbles was not the investment I hoped.

If only Chipotle were an idea for no time. The burrito giant has no food identity. Users enter and are greeted with a menu that proclaims 3 options: bowl, burrito or tacos. The doobie lovers from Denver that created Chipotle don't let the people know they have other options. Hipsters - or what one calls the kids that drag their parents credit card to Chipotle - often order the salad. This is not a salad lovers of great salad locales like Chili's or Golden Corral will recognize. The salad has no ranch. Its croutons are replaced with the torturous dread of black beans mixed with the agony of corn.

There are more options at Chipotle and all of them are a reminder the American era may be ending. Whenever one tries to order a quesadilla the young liberal arts major working the grill scoffs, acting like the insensitivity shown by your wanting them to throw cheese on a tortilla and hold up the line for two minutes isn't somehow counteracted by the additional time it takes them to ask every customer if they would prefer to add brown rice with less taste than the daytime Emmy's for snubbing the Young and the Restless.

Chipotle also refuses to add queso. Folks, I know Chipotle's queso would never compare to the hard work and everyday American focus groups it took to perfect the cheesy treat at Chili's. Sometimes you just want people to try. Qdoba no doubt makes a queso so terrible that even Donald Trump will apologize to Mexico on day 1 for the horror we've commited against its people. But Qdoba, like me looking for the 6th and final Mrs. Will Hart after a few jumbo Corona-Margaritas and shots of fireball at Chili's, is out there trying.

Then there's the anti-GMO crowd. Folks, I know farmers. My granddaddy was a farmer. My buddy Bill ended up working on a farm. Farming is hard work. Farmers use GMO's much like the best baseball players use steroids. It makes the product better. Even Obama's government says its just as healthy. Not healthy enough for Chipotle, I guess. They've banned the practice and raised the price of their burritos. The hardworking construction worker told by his boss that he must eat at Chipotle with his coworkers, or what my Nephew calls the squad, must pay more because Chipotle plays less with farming.

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Now Chipotle may be killing people. This week a bunch of people - I don't know the number because I added "Chipotle" as a search term to block on Bing - have e-coli. Folks, I hate that it took people getting a severe illness for us to finally understand how dangerous Chipotle is, but it's time to end it. The Obama administration has ended healthcare in America with Obamacare, its time to end Chipotle. Stop the madness of bad menus and fights against GMO's. Stop the illness Americans face. Stop a company that stops the sale of queso.

Investments are important. With the loss of my fortune, I went back to life as it was. Occasionally I wondered what might have been with Moonshine bubbles. However, I'm not a man that can look back and wonder. I'm a man that must look forward and fight. The fight against Chipotle will be fought in many different parts, much like their music manages to annoy people in many different parts of their stores, but we must keep fighting. Only then can we truly genetically modify Chipotle to death.