Thursday, February 4, 2016

Trump Will Win New Hampshire and Iowa is Stupid

Danville, Kentucky -- Sometimes, it takes a minor setback for a major comeback.

I won't lie, folks. I was devastated when the state of Iowa (dead to me) betrayed Donald. I was also betrayed. My Iowa source -- my eyes on the ground -- fed me false info. My buddy from Algona told me Trump was a lock. He said the "Make America Great Again" hats were flying off the shelves, and that his buddies at the local watering hole thought Rubio was a Minnesota Timberwolf and Cruz was a roid-raging DH from the Seattle Mariners. I should've known he hadn't forgotten that disagreement we had over a bet on the '95 Daytona 500. As I attempt to find consolation at the bottom of this bottle of Jim Beam Fire, here are my thoughts about the results of the Iowa Caucus and the upcoming New Hampshire battle.

First, I'm not convinced Trump lost Iowa. We may have just witnessed the greatest usurpation of participatory democracy since this past summer when the MLB autocrats overturned the majoritarian consensus that Eric Hosmer should represent the American League at 1st base in the All Star Game. Cruz is playing dirty. Dirtier than Bush's vote-stealing supercomputers that helped him hoodwink Lieutenant John Kerry in 2004. Dirtier than the Kennedy clan in '60. Dirtier than the water in Flint. Cruz deliberately tried to siphon votes from one of the last good men standing, Dr. Ben Carson.

Second, losing Iowa doesn't hurt Trump. Iowa is like a groundhog that sees its shadow and predicts 2 more months of retrograde Mercury. Only losers win Iowa -- see: Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum. Only winners lose Iowa -- see: Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton. The people of Iowa can't be trusted to make important decisions. They just picked a Canadian to be the Republican nominee for President of the United States. Trump will do better in states where folks don't try to fuel their cars with corn.

Meanwhile, Trump's biggest competition is on the ropes. Cruz's Iowa win will soon be nullified once he is convicted for fraud, or disqualified because of his Canadian anchor baby citizenship.

Jeb Bush has no shot. The man can't even get a clap. If George W. Bush is the power-slugging Justin Upton, Jeb is Melvin Upton, the anemic slap-hitter who can't maintain a serviceable batting average or drive in runs. New Hampshire may be a waspy liberal elitist enclave, but they want home runs, not singles.

The other governors are irrelevant. Christie and Kasich will inadvertently help Donald by clawing at the golden boy Rubio till he is brought to their level.

Marco Rubio can't win New Hampshire. New Hampshire cares about winning. America cares about winning. America doesn't celebrate 3rd place participation awards like Marco Rubio. Marco is one of the poor Americans so used to losing that he thinks 3rd place is winning. This will change when Trump makes America great again. For Rubio to learn how to win again, he must lose to a winner like Trump.

Trump will win New Hampshire for one simple reason. He is the most genuine candidate in the race, on either side. Bernie Sanders, the Stalinist from Vermont, loves to rant about the need for campaign finance reform, lamenting the influence of big money on our elections. Yet, Bernie still takes donations from hard-working Americans who are living paycheck to paycheck. If he truly cared about keeping money out of politics, he'd self-fund his campaign like Trump.

New Hampshire is also the home of "Animal House." That film is about sticking it to the foolish dean. Trump is sticking it to the men who doubt him. Nate Silver and co. are already back-pedaling their back-pedaling -- Nate originally said Trump was a fad due to burnout, then acknowledged his longevity and staying power, and is now jumping off the bandwagon again. Well Mr. Silver, there will be plenty of room on the Trump-wagon when you flip-flop again. The fact that Nate Silver and the 538 nerds are jumping ship on Trump makes me more confident than ever that we will make America great again.