Monday, July 4, 2016

Newt's A Hoot: Gingrich for V.P.

Danville, Kentucky - Folks, the 2016 presidential race is nearing a turning point. I, Will Hart, am ready to announce that Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House and long-time representative from Georgia, has been chosen to be Donald Trump's running mate. I have received confirmation of this from a trusted source in Pooler, Georgia who has deep links the Georgia Republican Party and the Gingrich family. The mainstream Obamedia is afraid to break this story -- it might be a few weeks before CNN wake up to smell the McDonald's-brand coffee, but I'm ready to declare what the rest of the world will soon know to be true: Newt Gingrich will be the next Vice President of the United States.

Why has Trump chosen Gingrich? My trusted source was kind enough to fill me in on Donald's thought process. Here is Donald's rationale for selecting Newt to be the VP:

Newt Can Beat the Clintons

The nineties were a hell of a time to be alive, at least before they got ruined by grunge music and NAFTA. The awesomeness of the 1990s owed alot to Mr. Gingrich and his ability to score victory after victory against the nefarious Clinton administration. Newt's Contract with America was one of America's greatest victories in the late 20th century. Thanks to Newt and his Republican allies in Congress, federal overreach was stopped not one, not two, but three times, via multiple government shutdowns.

Newt is the Only Man Who Can Stop NAFTA

The NAFTA signing
Donald is riding a wave of protectionist, anti-globalist, anti-free trade sentiment straight to DC, and Newt is about to hop along for the ride. In fact, Newt is the only man available who can help Donald stop the globalists and protect American workers from the evils of NAFTA and TPP. Folks, Gingrich approved and voted for NAFTA. Newt understands the grimy details and inner-workings of this monstrous trade deal. He helped get it passed in Congress. Now, Newt, with his political saavy and legendary arm-twisting abilities, can help abolish NAFTA once and for all. The continued survival of our republic demands no less.

Newt and Donald Are Kindred Spirits

Newt is the perfect complement to Donald; the ranch dressing to Donald's buffalo wing. Like Donald and myself, Newt isn't afraid to hold out for true love: he's been divorced twice and married three times. Like Donald, Newt isn't afraid to be politically incorrect: he once called Obama "the food stamp President" and also called Spanish the "the language of living in a ghetto." Folks, Trump's campaign is all about dominating the 24-hour media cycle. That's why he's always saying outrageous things about federal judges and Megyn Kelly. With Newt Gingrich's loose lips on his side, Donald will ensure continued dominance in media coverage.

Newt is also unafraid to take on the media. Before a South Carolina debate on the Clinton News Network, or what the media calls CNN, Gingrich was asked if he wanted to comment on having an open marriage. Newt refused. The people of South Carolina gave him a big win. Newt refused to talk about irrelevant things, Hillary was busy emailing about irrelevant things, or at least I have to assume so, she deleted her emails.

A Needed Historian

This is a time where we cannot forgot our history. While Clinton tries to rewrite her tenure to exclude Whitewater, Newt cared so little about tenure he didn't even receive it at West Georgia University. But the decision of a liberal school didn't stop Newt. He went on to be a noted historian at Fannie Mac. Sure, the economy collapsed and Fannie has a role, but Benghazi collapsed and Clinton was the role. I can forgive Newt for working for Fannie Mae, I can't forgive Hillary for not working for Ambassador Stevens.


Newt and Don are a match made in heaven, like my first wife and I or the new Strawberry-Siracha wings at Buffalo Wild Wings.

It is my pleasure to formally announce that Newt has been selected to be Donald's running mate. With any luck, America will be great again. Have a wonderful 4th of July, folks.