Friday, October 14, 2016

Little Cowboys and Indians: the American League's Last Hope


Danville, Kentucky - Los Angeles, North Side Chicago, Cleveland. These are the cities with which we are to defend America from the Toronto Blue Jays, an upstart Canadian team that threatens to usurp America's past-time. It's not the set of cities I would've chosen were I to be tasked with selecting a club to serve as a bulwark against aggression from America's northern front. Los Angeles has grown opulent and soft in its self-adoration and dotage. The North Side of Chicago is inhabited mostly by affluent prep school kids. Cleveland has only recently learned how to win. These three cities do not inspire much confidence in America's ability to defeat Canada.

Their Canadian opponent is formidable. There is much to like about this Blue Jays team. I've been enamored with them for a few seasons now. They hit bombs. They play the game with passion: whether it's Josh Donaldson scoring the game-winning run on a mad dash to home plate on a throwing error, Kevin Pillar imitating Superman as he puts his body on the line diving for a deep fly-ball, Jose Bautista's bodacious bat flips, or Edwin Encarnacion flaunting an avian companion as he performs his customary trot around the base-paths after a dinger. Though they play for Canada, a country known for its modesty, humility, and good manners, these Blue Jays conduct themselves with a distinctively American swagger.


And yet, something is rotten in the province of Ontario. This is a team that refuses to let Cy Young winner and knuckleball virtuoso R.A. Dickey pitch in the playoffs. The hardened veteran won 20 games in 2012 and threw 200+ innings for 5 straight years, but is evidently not to be trusted as the team flirts with Toronto's first World Series title since Kurt Cobain was the most popular man in music. The team's abysmal mishandling of ace R.A. Dickey casts doubt on their worthiness of October glory.


The Blue Jays have betrayed R.A. Dickey, and must be stopped from winning the World Series. If you need another reason to fear the Blue Jays, consider known Canadian and JFK conspirator Ted Cruz: he will undoubtedly be rooting for his motherland's team. America is in a time of unprecedented political division, thanks to Hillary Clinton. America cannot now afford to lose to a commonwealth of the British crown. Allowing a team from a French-speaking nation to win THE AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES would deal an irreversible blow to American pride, prestige, self-confidence, and hegemony, guaranteeing 'another global cold or hot war and all the attendant dangers, including a global nuclear exchange.' 

Only one man can stop the Toronto Blue Jays from obliterating the American-led international order and ushering in an era of Canadian dominance in the Northern Hemisphere: Josh Tomlin. 


Josh Tomlin may play for the Indians, but he's known as the Little Cowboy. It is only fitting that the man tasked with defending our favorite sport from Canadian conquistadors is nicknamed after the brave wranglers who brought American ruggedness to the uncivilized Western frontiers. More importantly, this is a man fit for the job. Canadian culture is one of dependence and sloth, thanks to their extensive European-style welfare state and socialized healthcare. Canadians love free stuff, and the Blue Jays are no different. The power-hitting prowess of the Blue Jays is real, but the Cleveland Indians can defeat them by refusing to give these Canadians the free stuff they have come to expect from big government. The Indians must be stingy: no walks, no free bases. Stinginess is a foreign concept to Canadians. 

Fortunately, stinginess is not a foreign concept to our friend Mr. Tomlin, a man that posted a sterling 13-9 win/loss record in 2016. He's fresh off of a gutsy outing against Boston in the ALCS where he allowed only 2 runs over 5 innings, notching his first ever post-season win. Tomlin pitched 174 innings this season, and unintentionally walked only 20 batters. If the Blue Jays are going to beat Tomlin, they'll have to earn it: having to earn and work for things instead of being gifted them by big government is a Canadian's worst fear. The inconsistent and distracted Trevor Bauer cannot defeat the Canadian menace. Neither can Corey Kluber and his pristine xFIP. Only Josh Tomlin can.

America has repelled invasions from our despotic, syrup-slurping Northern neighbors before, as recently as the War of 1812. We have met every challenge and conquered every adversary. The city of Cleveland already saved America once this year by stemming the tide of Steph Curry's Left-Coast Warriors. With the world watching and America's reputation on the line, Cleveland will valiantly preserve our union once more.