Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, let me tell you about a woman. A woman who broke my heart. We had so much in common. We loved University of Kentucky basketball, Bengals football, and most of all, Reds baseball. More importantly, she was a woman you could unwind with: the type of unpretentious girl you could be yourself around. We'd sip wine at Olive Garden, savor Margaritas at Chilis, and chug foamy beers at Dave and Busters. She was my lover, but she was also my drinking buddy.
But it was not to last. There eventually came a day when she didn't want to drink at Olive Garden or Chilis anymore. When we'd visit the liquor store she'd head straight to the expensive section with obscure locally-brewed spirits, not even sparing a passing glance for the Fireball, Kentucky Deluxe, and Miller Lite that we had once cherished together. When she purchased a $500 bottle of wine with some unintelligible French name instead of our usual drink of choice -- Boone's Farm -- I knew that we had grown apart.
Folks, Hillary can never be America's drinking buddy. The woman doesn't drink for fun. She drinks to numb the guilt she feels for all the lives she has ruined. Could you sleep at night if you killed Vince Foster, Ambassador Stevens, Justice Scalia, and Gene Wilder? As the bodies have continued to pile up around her, she's turned to the bottle more and more.
Secret Service Says Hillary was drunk in this video (morning of rally with Bon Jovi) pic.twitter.com/A6MqeGK1d5— MicroSpookyLeaks™ (@WDFx2EU7) October 31, 2016
We can't let AlcoHillary get the nuclear codes. We can't make her the commander in chief. We can't let her start a drunken brawl with Putin. We can't let her have a few too many and then draft our sons and daughters into another Middle East quagmire. If Hillary gets a hold of some strong scotch, there will be Abrams tanks rolling into Moscow, Crimea, Pyongyang, Tehran, Beijing, and Aleppo faster than you can say "Benghazi."
Folks, the Clintons have gone to great lengths to hide AlcoHillary's secret. References to her debilitating problem are probably scattered throughout her scrubbed emails, along with details of a certain boozy tryst with Huma Abedin. You can hide your emails Hillary, but you can't hide your intoxicating little secret from the American people.