If Hillary Wins, Impeach Her and Kaine; Speaker of the House Donald Trump is President

Danville, Kentucky -- Trump is going to win tomorrow unless the vote is rigged. We know this. He dominates the most important metrics like votes of people who don't use Obamaphones, rallies that are not Oasis rallies- we repeat not Oasis rallies, despite what some that sold their own country out for the corporate aligned interests of a Labour Party that had become so controlled by the Eurozone under Tony Blair and Gordon Brown that the Brexit vote was as preordained as Trump winning 300 plus electoral votes tomorrow.

But what if Clinton wins it folks? We have to have a plan. And luckily, it's pretty simple. If Clinton wins it will be for two reasons. First, Clinton will have rigged the votes. With major corporations getting their voting machines into polling places, instead of reliably punching the chads out like we had in Florida in 2000 where a good magnifying glass and the opinions of humans decided them after weeks of debate, we now have NAFTmAchines counting the votes. Those machines don't care who actually gets the votes. They care who gets the votes that supports these machines. Folks, Trump does not even use a computer. There's no way he'll support those machines. But Hillary will. The votes could well be rigged for her.

If only we'd read the fine print on NAFTA like we used to count our election ballots

Like all good things, primarily Kill Bill, there's a second part of this. You see, Trump has explained this election might be rigged. Unfortunately he hasn't had time to expose this enough. Instead, he's been busy dealing with the greatest betrayal since Brutus sold out the last vestiges of the Roman Republic and killed Julius Casesar. Brutus' betrayal ushered in civil war because it killed the great Caesar. Luckily for us, Trump is greater than Caesar, and Paul Ryan hates the Second Amendment and would not bring a gun or a knife to any fight. Trump has had to fight his "ally" the whole race. If he didn't, he'd have gotten these machines out of there and relied on the tried and true method of voting with paper ballots.

What a film!

When Trump loses though, we'll be looking for a new Speaker of the House. The Speaker of the House does not actually have to be a member of Congress. And wouldn't it be nice to not have a Washington Insider as Speaker? Well, obviously. So the House can vote Trump Speaker. Hell, they didn't stand up to him when he was getting killed in the polls to Hillary this summer, why would they stand up to him when he gets killed in the polls to Hillary this time? It's agreed. Trump will be Speaker.

Then there are, as often is the case, two problems. The first is Hillary Clinton. The case against her by this point will be overwhelming. First, she will have stolen the election because we know that Trump leads in all the metrics that actually count. Second, she will have to answer for the deaths of Vince Foster, Justice Scalia, Alan Rickman, Ambassador Stevens, and Gene Wilder. Third, she will have to answer for emailing on the job. Fourth, she will have to answer for stealing the election from Bernie Sanders. And finally, the body doubles and some other pretty messed up stuff.

Tim Kaine's face when he finds out Mango Habanero wings have made it into his "safe space"

That leaves Tim Kaine. Some might say he's just a goofy dude who clearly will never be President. Well, he'd be President if the House went home early after doing the right thing. And if Paul Ryan were still Speaker, there's no doubt the House would adjourn much like the French nobility did by refusing to come to terms with the National Assembly's early and reasonable demands in 1789. But the Bourbon dynasty is over. And soon, Kaine will be too. He will be guilty by association. First, I have no doubt that he will have sent Hillary Clinton an email. Which means his emails will appear on a server with known pervert Anthony Weiner and what will by then have been an impeached President, Hillary Clinton. Second, he will have refused to have spoken out against Clinton. In 1790, those in France that refused to speak out against the National Assembly's foolish move to swap lands from the Church as part of a convoluted effort at paying off the incomprehensible debt of a corrupt elite deserved to be removed. Kaine will have refused to speak out against Hillary. These are one in the same and warrant removal. The House should have no problem doing so.

One may counter that the Senate would have to vote for conviction to actually remove either. First, the good people should refuse to accept the Senate as a body after the election. If Hillary wins, all ballots will be invalid. The House will not though because even the nerdiest election prognosticators recognize that the Republicans will win the House. This tells us the will of the people is so strong for Trump they want that second option, the House option to ensure he wins. Once that's established- and it so clearly is- then we know only the House should have a vote. With only the House voting, they're both gone.

To hell with that penguin that stole that other penguin's wife.

How should Trump govern once he secures a place via the proper channel? Simple, he does what he needs to do. I will not tell the legitimately elected President, as he certainly would be if the process we have chooses him. And it would have. Liberals will gripe this will counteract the will of the people. Even if it later turns out Clinton actually won, by then Trump will have become President, we will not have a Senate, and he'll still be Speaker of the House. I would also suggest Trump go ahead and nominate himself for Scalia's seat. With no Senate to advise and confirm, he'd automatically join the Supreme Court. At that rate, Trump would control all of one branch, lead another, and be one of eight on the court. The remaining justices would at that point likely resign in protest. This leaves Trump as the only member of the Supreme Court. Controlling the Senate and the Courts, as Mace Windu once warned of Chancellor Palpatine, "He'll be too powerful to stop." Fortunately for us, Trump is someone we can trust. There's no reason to think he would ever have bad judgment or need advisers.

Tomorrow we should not fret when exit polls tell us Trump lost. Those polls are not legitimate. When I see the smartest person in America not named Trump, Schilling, and Harbaugh say he'll quit Twitter, he has to fight. Bill Mitchell will need to continue tweeting with some of the most beautiful pre-chicken objects in the world.

Thank goodness unlimited power for Trump won't be like this!

When I was a kid, my grand-daddy would call us in when the lights went out. But we weren't a bunch of idiots back then. We made friends with the man who operated the street light because in that era, the guy who operated the street lights was actually a person you see on your street and not someone you had to meet on AOL Instant Messanger because he was at a centralized location. With that friendship secure, we got him to wait and turn the lights off a little longer. The lights will not go out on a Trump Presidency tomorrow unless we let them. I will not accept the illegitimate results that will flow from ballots counted by illegitimate machines.

I'll be at Chili's tomorrow watching the results. I've found a way to sneak in my own Jim Beam Fire and there's no need to sneak anything else in because despite Obama taking away our guns, he hasn't taken away our Old Timers. Tomorrow we win. And if we don't, then we will soon enough.