Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Trump Should Not Recognize A Hillary Clinton Victory

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I am fully confident in Trump's ability win a free and fair election. I've been breaking down the case for a stunning Trump victory for quite some time now. An objective look at the relevant data and anecdotes shows that far more Americans want Trump to be president than Clinton. Rally sizes don't lie, folks.

Unfortunately, the 2016 presidential election is unlikely to be fair or free. It's more likely to be fixed in advance like the 2009 Iranian elections or the 2001 NBA Eastern Conference Finals. More Americans want Trump to be president than Clinton, but it's not Americans who vote in our elections. The main participants in American democracy these days are George Soros, fraudulent absentee voters, and dead people.

I've already detailed what Trump's contingency plan should be in the event that Crooked Hillary steals the election. But now I'm going to break down the techniques she'll use to subvert America's time-honored democratic processes.

Hillary's first illegal rigging technique: early voting. Early voting is like Frank Drebin in Naked Gun calling strikes before the pitch hits the glove. Article II, Section I, Clause 4 of the United States constitution reads plainly:
"The Congress may determine the Time of chusing the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States." [source]
That's unambigious, folks. A big flashing neon sign right in the middle of our nation's founding charter that says "EARLY VOTING IS CHEATING." Batting practice home runs don't count towards a baseball game's final score. Early warm-up shots aren't counted in a basketball game's final score. Similarly, our constitution does not permit votes cast before election day to be considered in the final tally. You want to know who votes early? Democrats. If Hillary wins it will be because of unconstitutional voting practices. I'm glad Ambassador Stevens isn't alive to see our constitution perverted like this.

Hillary's second rigging technique: absentee voting.

Folks, our democracy is supposed to be built upon this motto: one person, one vote, one day, one time, one place. Absentee voting undermines all of this. Absentee voting is prone to tampering by crooked mailmen who have an incentive to open ballots and change them to Clinton votes in the interest of maintaining their cushy government jobs. Absentee voting allows people who don't live in America to vote. It allows people to vote from different un-American timezones, temporally warping our entire democratic ritual. That's not putting America First. That's globalism. That undermines the integrity of our whole electoral process.

Hillary's third rigging technique: the voting dead.

Democrats are great at driving the dead to the polls. Millions of dead people remain registered to vote and are listed on the voter rolls in spite of being dead. Folks, dead voters have a well-known liberal bias. While I love the idea of Hillary's victims (Vince Foster, Ambassador Stevens, Justice Scalia, Seth Rich, Janet Reno, and Robin Williams) being able to vote, it's a situation ripe for abuse and fraud.


It breaks my triglyceride-clogged and shrunken heart to see our once-legitimate democratic process crumble before our very eyes. Fair elections have become a thing of the past like Blockbuster Video, Rax Roast Beef, or the Tennessee Oilers. Our founding fathers were very clear about how they wished voting to proceed: in person, on one single day, and with living people only. Trump cannot stand by and let dead people keep him out of the Oval Office. He should refuse to recognize an election where unfair practices like early voting are allowed. American democracy can afford no less.