Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, the world has been rocked by the startling revelation of a massive pizza-related conspiracy involving Hillary Clinton and John Podesta. Thanks to a top-notch crew of investigators on twitter, the bombshell "Pizzagate" conspiracy has now received national attention. The disconcerting details of this scandal were not news to me. I was one of the first commentators to sound the alarm on Hillary's demon-worship. I am glad this story has received widespread national attention so that more Americans will learn the truth. But like any other story, the true terror of Pizzagate has been misrepresented by the crooked, biased, failing mainstream media. The media wants us to think Pizzagate is about a single Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in a cushy, bourgeois neighborhood in Washington D.C.
If only we were dealing with one creepy pizzeria, folks. This goes way deeper than that. Hidden deep in the leaked emails of John Podesta are not only the details of bizarre occult rituals; confessions to decades worth of pizza-related crimes are buried within as well. Don't miss the forest for the trees, folks. The wicked, Satanic rituals performed in the Comet pizzeria are indeed beyond the pale. But we'll lose sight of the bigger picture if we expend all of Trump Nation's energy fighting against a single pizza joint. The true #Pizzagate has been the slow death of classic American culinary masterpieces.
American pizza culture circa the early 1990s was defined by innovation, experimentation, and constant remixing of a timeless set of ingredients: tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese, pepperoni, sausage, peppers, and crispy bread crust. The different combinations and permutations of these constituent elements were endless. In a testament to American ingenuity, many classic variants on the pizza pie were created during this period. Yet, just as quickly as these tasty mash-ups burst onto the culinary scene, they began to disappear as their creators discontinued and abandoned them, leaving fans feeling betrayed and alone.
Bill and Hillary Clinton's horrible free trade policies have hollowed out America's pizza industry, forcing companies to cut pizza research-and-development budgets in order to stay profitable. Thanks to NAFTA, SKFTA, CFTA, TPP and TTIP, we may never get to taste the next generation of pizza. The Volcano Tacofication of American pizza innovation is the true #Pizzagate that the media won't talk about. Here is a list of the forgotten victims of Pizza Gate:
1) THE P'ZONE
In 2014 as Obama began to seriously pursue the awful Trans-Pacific Partnership agreement, Pizza Hut discontinued the fabulous P'Zone in anticipation of the global economic contraction that was sure to result from the agreement's ratification. The American pizza scene hasn't been the same since.Pizza Hut commercials only make me long for the P'Zone.— Brad Galli (@BradGalli) October 9, 2016
Bring it back, @pizzahut. pic.twitter.com/LMxt5C1CJF
2) THE BIG NEW YORKER
Those who frequented Pizza Hut in the late nineties remember the Big New Yorker. This pie was Pizza Hut's attempt to capture the magic of a big, floppy, greasy slice of New York-style 'Za. Folks, it was beautiful while it lasted. Clocking in with a massive, glorious sixteen inch circumference, the Big New Yorker was the type of pie a tired man would eat after a long day of work. After grinding away all day at the rubber mill, I'd usual head straight to my favorite booth at the local Pizza Hut so I could sink my teeth into this beauty of a pie. If you bit into the Big New Yorker's sumptuous combination of gooey cheese and juicy meat deeply enough and closed your eyes, you could practically taste the scent of thick Brooklyn tail-pipe exhaust and sewer steam. Like the P'Zone, this tasty treat was taken from us all too soon.
3) HOT DOG STUFFED CRUST PIZZA
Another ingenious invention from the brilliant folks at Pizza Hut, the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza was a ground-breaking fusion of two classic American dishes. Folks, it was a marriage more beautiful than Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, a culinary medley more beautiful than LL Cool J and Brad Paisley's gorgeous duet, "Accidental Racist." America is a worse place since this masterpiece's untimely departure.
4) FIESTA TACO PIZZA
With the Fiesta Taco Pizza, Pizza Hut outdid itself once again. This hybrid pie is a relic of a simpler, pre-Obama era: a time where Americans still had initiative and drive, before Obamacare, Obamaphones, Obamanomics, and Obamatrade. The Fiesta Taco Pizza was the one place a guy could get authentic Italian and authentic Mexican cuisine in one place. It was even better if you were eating at a combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut. I used to love to grab a cup of melted cheese dip and some Fire Sauce from Taco Bell and pour it all over my Fiesta Taco Pizza to enhance the flavor explosion I was about to experience. It's a shame my friends and I probably won't live to see a Fiesta Doritos Locos Taco Pizza thanks to the rampant opioid addiction and de-industrialization in my home state. They don't make pies like this anymore, folks.
American pizza today is a shadow of its former self. Like the auto factories that employed so many Pizza Hut customers, American pizza ovens sit empty, cold, and unused. Never again will these ovens heat a meal as satisfying and complete as a P'Zone. We may never know the true scope of the damage done by Pizzagate. The cost in terms of excellent pizzas that may never be invented is infinite and incalculable. The American people must hold Pizza Hut accountable for stealing these sensational items away from us. I call on Congress to launch a full-scale investigation into the disappearance of these national treasures. Only then will we know the true depth of the Pizzagate scandal. Only then can we have closure. Only then can we begin the process of mourning the loss of timeless beauties like the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza. Only then can the healing process begin.