Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Trump's First 100 Days Agenda: Deport All Robots


Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, if there's one thing that liberals don't get, it's economics. That's because most of them have never owned a business or even held a job. In contrast, my family and I have years of experience working in many crucial industries. The Hart family has proudly labored in General Motors assembly plants, coal mines, oil drilling rigs, snow-plowing, and rubber manufacturing mills, to name a few. But one-by-one, all those industries have disappeared. Now I'm forced to blog about sports and politics to make ends meet.


For generations, good-paying jobs were abundant in this country. You could go as far in life as your ambition and determination took you. But lately quality, dignified jobs have hemorrhaged from America to foreign countries like Mexico, China, and Vietnam. These days, steady employment is harder to come by than an MLB player that knows how to bunt correctly.

Those of us on the front-lines of America's most productive industries -- energy production, heavy manufacturing, fast food -- know that the departure of blue-collar jobs is primarily due to several decades worth of awful, unfair trade deals like NAFTA and TPP. Lots of liberals on twitter like to accuse me of being a partisan hack just because I openly supported Donald Trump; but let me be the first to say that these awful trade deals are a bipartisan affair. They've been pushed and supported by both Democrats and Republicans alike. Reagan gave us the Canada–United States Free Trade Agreement. Bill Clinton gave us NAFTA. George W. Bush supported China’s entry into the World Trade Organization. And Obama gave us TPP. It takes two parties to tango, folks. We wouldn't be where we are without a bipartisan consensus in favor of hollowing out American industrial manufacturing.

But many economists won't own up to this. They like to create all kinds of far-fetched excuses for the outsourcing of American jobs. They blame these losses on the uncontrollable forces of globalization, the tax code, cheap labor in other countries, climate change, and even robots.

Leave it to a bunch of ivory-tower computer geeks to totally misdiagnose the problems that America's manufacturing sector is facing.

A debate about the true causes of the decline of American manufacturing is healthy. The problem is, these bogus arguments that automation is the primary cause of industrial job losses get used to justify the status quo. Whenever a tough guy like Trump comes around -- who breaks from the bipartisan establishment consensus in favor of job-killing trade deals and speaks out in favor of re-making the rigged global trading system -- he gets hailed with a chorus of jeers from egghead academics who claim that the true cause of job losses is advances in automation technology that render humans expendable.

Folks, it's not an either/or, forced choice. The U.S. government should take actions to address the multiple economic factors that have contributed to the decline of good-paying jobs. Trump has proposed a highly detailed program of reforms that would accomplish precisely that. Trump should move forward with that program. He should build the wall. He should slap tariffs on companies that ship jobs overseas. He should re-negotiate awful deals like NAFTA. He should hold China's feet to the fire so they stop manipulating their currency and dumping their cheap products everywhere.

He should also deport robots.


Trump has already promised to deport all 11 million illegal immigrants currently residing in the United States in violation of our immigration laws. While he's at it, he should round up job-stealing automatons as well. Paul Krugman and the gang are wrong to say that automation is the primary driver of American job losses; the distinguished title of "biggest job-killer" still belongs with NAFTA, my friends. Nonetheless, they have a point. Robots have stolen plenty of jobs from hard-working Americans. They've stolen factory jobs. They've stolen cashier jobs at fast food restaurants. Combat drones have even stolen jobs from our soldiers, folks. That's why I'm proposing a complete and total ban on job-stealing robots. I urge President-elect Donald Trump to vigorously pursue this policy during his first 100 days in office.

The benefits of an aggressive robot deportation policy would be plentiful. First and foremost, deporting robots would bring back lost jobs, causing millions of down-on-their-luck Americans to re-enter the workforce so they can provide for their families and put Spinach & Artichoke Dip on the table.


Once touch-screen ordering machines are tossed out of the country, teenagers will return to work as cashiers in our nation's multi-billion dollar fast-food industry, learning the importance of hard work and proper facial hygiene in the process. Once those creepy claw-machine things are left for dead on the Mexican border, the assembly lines of our nation's automobile, steel, rubber, and textile factories will once more be operated by flesh-and-blood humans. When you call your credit card company to complain that someone in Hungary has stolen your identity and is fraudulently purchasing sewing machines in your name, you'll speak to a human being and not a pre-recorded robot voice. Hundreds of industriousness people around our good country will find employment providing family-friendly live entertainment and music at Chuck E. Cheese's restaurants once those automated performers they've used in the past are efficiently and humanely expelled from the United States.


The benefits of my robot deportation proposal don't stop there. It's not enough to bring back the jobs of yesterday; Trump must also help create the jobs of tomorrow. A robust robot deportation program can help there too. My robot deportation policy would create millions of new high-paying jobs in the police force. Kicking out every last robot will require a lot of manpower, especially since we can't use robots to do it (we don't want this to turn out like Robocop, folks). Pursuing a policy to deport all robots will instantly create demand for skilled workers capable of apprehending, de-programming, and destroying these robots while also suppressing any uprisings if necessary. It's a win-win for the whole economy!

I'm tired of being told by liberals that I lost my job as a factory worker because my skill-set is outdated and irrelevant in a high-technology society. That's just false. It's not my fault they didn't teach software programming at Danville High in 1972. We didn't even have software back then, folks. I'm smart enough and hard-working enough that I could get a high-tech job if I wanted. I'd just rather work at a job where I have to get dirt under my fingernails than some job where I have to push pencils and sit in a cubicle all day. There's no dignity in working for a software firm or a tech start-up and staring at a computer all day, folks. That's why millions of hard-working blue-collar Americans voted for Trump in droves this past November. We want the pride and dignity that comes with CREATING and BUILDING things. It's time for Trump to make good on his promises and bring back the glory days of American industry. Deport all robots. Make America Human Again, Donald.