Sunday, June 14, 2015

Michael Jordan is the Best at not being the Best

Danville, Kentucky- When the Yankees hired men that weren't stat nerds and as a result, actually won games, a wise man opined, "It's not a lie if you believe it."

Today, people don't actually believe the lie they are telling. The lie is simple: Michael Jordan is the best basketball player ever. I'll address all the lies and leave you with the truth.

First, let's start with things that are irrelevant to Jordan being the best.

Six titles- Michael won six titles. Who cares? Robert Horry was a better player and won seven titles. Horry figured out what he needed to do to win in three different cities in two different decades. Horry knew he needed to not become too big for the team. In contrast, Jordan was a one decade one town man(or so the Jordan nerds will have you believe). Pathetic.

Scoring titles- Jordan won a bunch of scoring titles. Sure. This is impressive. Still, how did that scoring title help Jordan beat the Magic? How did that scoring title hold up when the Pistons went to town on Chicago. I'll tell you, it didn't hold up.

Defensive player of the year- Al Pacino didn't win best actor for his role as Michael Corleone. What I'm saying, folks, is that award voters are idiots. Michael didn't even guard the other team's best player most of the time. Scottie P. handled that. Scottie P. was robbed.

1992 Dream Team- Michael Jordan wouldn't let Mr. Thomas play on the Dream Team, yet he allowed Christian Laettner to play. Folks, Laettner didn't respect the game. Laettner was a whiny punk that hardly worked a day in his life, mainly because he sucked and couldn't play in the NBA. Yet, Jordan let his pride and fear of getting triggered by playing next to Mr. Thomas get in the way. Imagine if Angola had scored 50 more points and the U.S.A. had scored 50 fewer, then it might have gotten pretty close. If Mr. Thomas played, America would have been fine, but with Laetter, Jordan risked throwing away the gold for pride.

Space Jam- Jordan saved the world. In the words of the women whose concert I conceived one of my children at, "That don't impress me much." The tune squad was a group of absolute ballers. Daffy was a man with a plan, while R. Kelly's bars on the soundtrack ensured the team would have all the inspiration they'd need.

Flu Game- Since NAFTA ruined Union work, I've had to show up to work with the flu. Jordan didn't speak out against NAFTA, he was too busy striking out and pushing off against Byron Russell while trade deals that cost America good paying jobs passed. Jordan might have played with the flu, but because of you, sir, I have to play with the flu too.

Hand checking- Jordan played when the game was for pansies. You don't play defense with your hands, you play with your feet. Yet, in the 90's men thought because something was allowed, it was a good idea to do it. In the 70's, LSD was basically legal in Danville, heck, the police still try and sell it to you, which is why my brother is back in jail- but again, that's a story for another time. Folks, just cause it's legal doesn't make it right or good. Jordan played when men played bad defense. He dominated pansies.

90's were the best- The 90's were built on lies. Your job will stay good. Ace of Bass will keep cranking out hits. This is your last divorce. Kobe and Shaq were still young pups. Kevin Garnett was just a kid. Allen Iverson was focused on practice, not a game.

Why he's overrated:

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Wizards- Michael's career didn't end in 1998, nerds. The Roman Empire is the world's greatest empire if history ends whenever the Roman Empire was good. Yet, the Roman Empire sucked when it collapsed. Jordan sucked with the Wizards. I kept attending high school parties years after I graduated. Sure, when I was 25 it wasn't weird. I was just one of the guys still. However, eventually the high school kids got lame, and I had to stop going. Jordan never realized he became the lame high school kid. Jordan kept going to the parties even though he became that lame kid.

Baseball- The greatest baseball player of all time- Barry Bonds- played while Jordan took the spotlight away from him while sucking. Jordan played in an era where incredible drugs allowed players to become great, yet Jordan didn't even care about baseball enough to try steroids. The greatest of all-time didn't even take the greatest drugs of all-time. It leads to a simple conclusion: he wasn't even great.

Quitting- Jordan quit on his team. The Bulls won 55 games without Jordan and nearly won the title. The next year, Jordan's team was set to win the title, but he came back and they blew it against the Magic. Jordan was always about showing up when his team didn't need him, and leaving when it did.

The best player of all-time is Bill Russell. Russell never quit on his team. He won 11 titles in 13 seasons. He never tried to play baseball, even though he would have hit dingers all day because he made a commitment to the Celtics. Jordan is a quitter. I'll follow Jordan's lead and quit this paragraph right here.