Friday, November 4, 2016

The TWTW Model: Final Update

Danville, Kentucky -- Here we are folks: the home stretch. 4th down. The bottom of the 9th inning. The sprint to the finish-line. Next Tuesday, Donald J. Trump will be the President of the United States.

Folks, one of the best foods in all the world is airport pizza. That's right, airport pizza. The kind they sell for $7 a slice after it's been sitting under a lamp for hours. The kind that's so greasy it makes you want to take a shower after you eat it. The kind of pizza with slippery cheese and sweaty little pockets of grease atop each pepperoni.

Folks, airport pizza thrives in pressure situations. When the bright spotlights and microwave beams come pressing down upon airport pizza, its deliciousness only increases. Folks, Hillary Clinton does not thrive in pressure situations. She's crumbling and hobbling to the finish line.

Here are the key indicators that lead me to predict a Trump win on Tuesday:

1) Halloween Masks

Enough said. I'll trust tried-and-trued indicators like this over Nate Silver's mathematical fairy tales any day.

2) Facebook Activity

Trump is all the rage on social media, generating far more enthusiasm among internet users. This augurs well for his presidential run.

3) Landline voters

So much polling these days is conducted poorly. Many poll are conducted via the internet or only poll respondents who use cellphones. Folks, these polls stack the deck against Trump. Trump's supporters are salt-of-the-earth folks. They're often "off the grid." My Uncle Bert in Flint and Aunt Jodie-May in West Virginia don't have internet, and they certainly don't have cellphones. Plenty of Americans haven't jumped on these bandwagons either. Cellphones have tiny buttons, are easy to lose, give you cancer, cost a ton of money, and are unnecessary if you have an old-fashioned wired phone. Most Americans are landline folk: hard-working, honest, rustic Luddites who would rather put their feet up and watch a VHS tape of For Love of the Game than surf the web and answer polls. Diligent voters like Bert and Jodie-May get ignored by liberal polls and FiveThirtyEight, while Obamaphone voters are grossly over-sampled. The pollsters are in for a surprise when the hidden landline voters swing the election.

4) The Cleveland Indians Lost

The Cleveland Indians are still losers. This all but ensures that Trump will win Ohio and its 18 electoral votes. The people of Ohio have been kicked in the junk yet again by Hillary and her liberal North Side Cubs. Set aside the fact that Donald once tried to buy the Cleveland Indians and move the franchise to Tampa for just a minute. Nerd political scientists believe that Cleveland's defeat will sour Ohio voters' perception of their well-being, increasing their desire for a break from the corrupt Clinton status quo. That's a boon for Donald.

5) Trump Notched a Key Endorsement from Yuengling

You heard that right folks. The brewers of one of America's finest ales have finally raised their voice and picked a candidate. Most lovers of beer were already in the tank for Trump anyway, but this key endorsement will likely motivate high turnout among bar-goers everywhere. That's bad news for noted alcoholic Hillary Clinton.

6) Hillary Clinton is a Demon from Hell

We knew she was dangerous, but not even I saw this one coming. The latest round of Wikileaks revelations were stunning. They confirmed the brilliant Alex Jones' suspicion that Crooked Hillary is an "abject, psychopathic, demon from Hell" who reeks of sulfur. Leaked emails have shown that Hillary's campaign manager is a fan of "Spirit Cooking," and regularly hosts perverse satanic rituals.

Folks, this is the biggest scandal since Trump shed light on Ted Cruz's connection to the murder of John F. Kennedy. This bombshell might help Hillary on the margins with atheist and satanist voters, but will undoubtedly put Hillary in an even deeper hole with Evangelical and religious voters, who worship Jesus and not Lucifer. That could flip states with God-fearing folk like Pennsylvania and Florida to Donald. Wow!

7) My Own Data Suggests Trump Enthusiasm is Surging 

Folks, everywhere I go I see higher enthusiasm for Donald than I do Crooked Hillary. There's way more Trump yard signs in Danville than Clinton signs, even accounting for the fact that my neighbor's punk kids keep stealing mine. But the true proof of Trump's surge comes for the "Honk for Trump" sign I installed near the road by my house. I can barely sleep anymore. All of hours of the day and night, people honk as they drive pass my sign to express their allegiance to Donald. Honks don't lie, folks!


Folks, I stand by my predictions. Trump will win. It's simply the only conclusion one can draw if you take time to gauge the nation's feelings about this election. Elections aren't about numbers, or data, or polls-plus versus polls-only. They're about people. People voting. People need a reason to turn off their TV, drive to a nearby church, and cast their ballot. Trump is the only candidate who makes people want to get out of their bed in the morning and vote. Barring any fraud or rigging, Trump will be the next President of the United States.

The TWTW Election Model is based on anecdotes and interviews with 0 or more randomly chosen registered voters nationwide and was conducted under the direction of Will Hart. The survey includes results among roughly 3-6 likely voters from Danville, Kentucky.