Trump Will Win Iowa

Danville, Kentucky - In 11 days, the first votes will be cast in the last Presidential election of the second decade of the 21st Century. In the blistering cold, men and women across Iowa will gather in front of neighbor, ex-wife, and child to proclaim their vote for President. While others have attempted to predict the race with "polls," "experts," and "establishment media," we're going to actually tell you who wins.

Bush holds up fingers signifying how many candidates were better than him in 1980

Folks, I have predicted every Iowa caucus except 1980, when the voters of Iowa foolishly chose George H.W. Bush over Bob Dole and Ronald Reagan. We all made mistakes in '80. As my divorce still requires, I will not go into details about those mistakes. Instead, I will explain how Iowa will go.

To know Iowa, you have to know it's process. The snobs say Iowa is a backwards people in a backwards place using a backwards election process. I'm not allowed to teach driver's education in Kentucky after burning a car in protest of the 1994 MLB strike, but I believe 3 backwards equals a forwards. And that's what the caucuses are: a forward process to the nomination.

Jeb Bush asking God to strike him from the race

To really know Iowa you need to know it's people. Iowa is a land of hard-won hustlers. The folks in Ames love their Cyclones. To anyone that's attended the Big 12 tournament, the passion, fireball, and lack of respect for officiating, tells you the caucus can get nasty. A winning candidate has to be able to overcome the quick putdown of another candidate in a middle school gym. Mitt Romney couldn't survive those insults in 2012 and the voters of Iowa voted for Rick Santorum. Jeb Bush isn't a man that can survive the taunts of a middle school. He has no chance.

Des Moines wisely didn't waste their budget on art like some cities did 

Then there's Des Moines. A big city with a small town feel. The St. Louis Rams would never move to a place like Des Moines because the Moines requires accountability. Instead, the Rams moved to a state where no one cares about anything except trying to ruin the country like they did by voting against Nixon in 1962. Des Moines didn't vote against accountability or Nixon. The folks in Des Moines will ask Rick Santorum a simple question: why do you deserve a second chance? Santorum couldn't beat Romney. Even Obama beat Romney. See ya later, Santorum.

The caucus is a voting process. To vote in a caucus requires someone actually casts a vote. Marco Rubio doesn't actually cast votes in the Senate. He's too busy not voting. When the voters at the caucus think about how they are voting, they'll remember Marco doesn't vote. He has no chance.

Marco Rubio pictured in his natural habitat: not voting

Ted Cruz is a Canadian. No non-American has ever finished in the top 5 of the caucuses. I don't see the voters of a state like Iowa ignoring this. We've been all over Ted Cruz being a Canadian before others. Luckily, Iowa will realize before it's too late they need to vote for an American.

Ted Cruz views on America

John Kasich voted for NAFTA. Those five words will drown him in Iowa. Kasich's a sly one though. His hand motions may just let him swim in New Hampshire if the voters aren't careful.

Ben Carson is a great man. I just can't vote see the voters of Iowa supporting someone that taught at John's Hopkins. For those not familiar- the non-Iowan's of the world- John's Hopkins is a school where the liberal eggheads develop their foreign policy. Dr. Carson never criticized the foreign policy of his own school. Iowa demands a President that criticizes those in the wrong. Carson stood silent. Enough voters will stand silent for him on February 1st.


Carly Fiorina foolishly rooted for Iowa in the Rose Bowl. The problem with that was not the pandering pundits decried. Everyone loves someone willing to sell out everything they believe in for the hope of winning a handful of votes in a state with less than 1/50th of the delegates needed to be the nominee. The problem was that Carly's tweet reminded everyone she went to Stanford. Iowans don't leave and go to Coastal schools. They stay home and go to an Iowa school. See ya later, Fiorina.

This organization has too many letters for an acronym

The people of Iowa love the Constitution. They demand the right to shout offensive things at Hawkeye basketball games, and they love the freedom to be free from having to house troops protected by the 3rd Amendment. It's too bad Chris Christie doesn't believe in the Constitution. His support for Sonya Sotomayor has trampled the Constitution. Christie will get trampled on caucus night.

Rand Paul, nope.

The once and future Presidents shaking hands

Then, there's the winner. Donald. Trump. The process of elimination says no one else can win. And that's the problem. Iowa has not won in a longtime. America has not won since the 2012 Olympics. The country, and more importantly, the people of Dubuque, Iowa need a win. Trump has everything Iowa voters want. They want a candidate that will tell them the truth, Trump tells them the truth when he says Mexico will pay for a giant wall that only benefits America. They care about family values and want a candidate that loves their spouse. Trump loves traditional marriage so much he's done it three times. They also want a candidate that can win. The polls show Trump gets destroyed by Clinton and Sanders. Those same polls once said Trump would lose to Jeb Bush.

Nate Silver has said for most of the last 13 months that Donald Trump could never be the nominee. Now he wonders why the party failed to try and stop the man. The party did not want to stop the man, Nate. The party wanted to be led by the man, and the party wants to vote for the man. Nate Silver and the folks at ESPN that want me to pay extra to see American Athletic Conference games on ESPN News still think Trump will lose Iowa. The only thing statistically significant in Silver's life is how wrong he is again. He'll fire back that he called all 50 states in 2012. Even a random number generator is right sometimes, old foe. This time listen to the people, you can hear them sing the song of angry men: Trump for President.