Sunday, November 20, 2016

Ban Broadway: Don't Throw Away Your Shot, Donald

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I was a superstar in High School. I got the ladies. I threw no hitters. I spent long summer nights with the neighborhood boys drinking Yuengling in the back of my pickup truck. What you might not know about me was that I was also a song and dance man.

That's right folks, I dabbled in the performing arts as a senior in high school. I had already thrived at all that Danville High had to offer: baseball, football, basketball, cross country, alcoholism, and opioid abuse. The only challenge left for me to conquer was the stage.

In the Spring of 1972, I auditioned for Danville High's rendition of Oklahoma!, the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic. I did it mostly to prove to the drama club nerds that I could. I ended up landing the lead role: Curly McLain, a fun-loving cowboy who sweeps an enthralling young farm girl off her feet. Folks, it turns out I was money both on the baseball diamond and on the stage. By all accounts, I stole the show. The Danville High thespian guild even awarded me the Actor of the Year honors. It's just one of the many gnarly feats I accomplished as a young lad at the best high school in Kentucky.

In spite of my extensive background in the fine arts, liberals that I encounter on twitter love to treat me like some sort of backwoods Kentuckian caveman. I'm tired of having staff writers at Vox write 'think pieces' about my economic anxiety. Folks, I may not be as cultured as some of the latte-sipping Macbook users on the West Coast, but I know a thing or two about fine culture. That's why I was repulsed to see how the cast of Broadway's Hamilton treated Vice President-Elect Mike Pence.

Folks, these leftist radicals have no business lecturing to America's next Dick Cheney. This is all just a liberal distraction tactic, meant to divert our attention from Donald's wildly successful transition and his excellent cabinet appointments. The liberal snowflake 'safe-space' crowd has been triggered by the election of Donald Trump. Their world has been turned upside down. The problem is, Donald Trump is more Hamiltonian than Hamilton himself. Here's some key facts about Alexander Hamilton:

Alexander Hamilton was an immigration hardliner:
"To admit foreigners indiscriminately to the rights of citizens, the moment they put foot in our country, as recommended in the message, would be nothing less than to admit the Grecian horse into the citadel of our liberty and sovereignty.” [source]
Most importantly, Hamilton was skeptical of any alliance with European powers, just as Trump today calls on the U.S. to withdraw from the NATO alliance:
You must be out of your Goddamn mind if you think
The President is gonna bring the nation to the brink
Of meddling in the middle of a military mess
A game of chess, where France is Queen and Kingless
We signed a treaty with a King whose head is now in a basket
Would you like to take it out and ask it?
“Should we honor our treaty, King Louis’ head?”
“Uh… do whatever you want, I’m super dead.” [source]
Long before Trump was using twitter to attack his mortal enemies Hillary Clinton and Saturday Night Live, Alexander Hamilton published pamphlets for the sole purpose of savaging fellow federalist Jon Adams in vicious fashion.

These kids have no business yelling at America's best Vice President since Aaron Burr if they can't even get history right. Alexander Hamilton didn't invent the electoral college only to have crybabies protest the totally legitimate election of our 45th president. Folks, I call on President Trump to do the right thing and hereby ban all Broadway musical performances. The theatre-industrial-complex has become a cesspool of liberal historical revisionism that stands in direct opposition to Mr. Trump's noble efforts to Make America Great Again. Broadway has become another arm of the democratic party and explicitly colluded with Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. President Elect Trump must not throw away his shot. Don't get me wrong: I like musicals. I listen to my vinyl copy of The Music Man at least once a day, in between shots of Jim Beam Fire. But, to truly drain the swamp, Donald must ban Broadway.