Ban Broadway: Don't Throw Away Your Shot, Donald

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I was a superstar in High School. I got the ladies. I threw no hitters. I spent long summer nights with the neighborhood boys drinking Yuengling in the back of my pickup truck. What you might not know about me was that I was also a song and dance man.

That's right folks, I dabbled in the performing arts as a senior in high school. I had already thrived at all that Danville High had to offer: baseball, football, basketball, cross country, alcoholism, and opioid abuse. The only challenge left for me to conquer was the stage.

In the Spring of 1972, I auditioned for Danville High's rendition of Oklahoma!, the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic. I did it mostly to prove to the drama club nerds that I could. I ended up landing the lead role: Curly McLain, a fun-loving cowboy who sweeps an enthralling young farm girl off her feet. Folks, it turns out I was money both on the baseball diamond and on the stage. By all accounts, I stole the show. The Danville High thespian guild even awarded me the Actor of the Year honors. It's just one of the many gnarly feats I accomplished as a young lad at the best high school in Kentucky.

In spite of my extensive background in the fine arts, liberals that I encounter on twitter love to treat me like some sort of backwoods Kentuckian caveman. I'm tired of having staff writers at Vox write 'think pieces' about my economic anxiety. Folks, I may not be as cultured as some of the latte-sipping Macbook users on the West Coast, but I know a thing or two about fine culture. That's why I was repulsed to see how the cast of Broadway's Hamilton treated Vice President-Elect Mike Pence.

Tonight, VP-Elect Mike Pence attended #HamiltonBway. After the show, @BrandonVDixon delivered the following statement on behalf of the show. pic.twitter.com/Jsg9Q1pMZs

— Hamilton (@HamiltonMusical) November 19, 2016

This is the statement made by @HamiltonMusical after the performance on November 18, 2016. pic.twitter.com/H2UhXjvWUf

— Hamilton (@HamiltonMusical) November 19, 2016

Folks, these leftist radicals have no business lecturing to America's next Dick Cheney. This is all just a liberal distraction tactic, meant to divert our attention from Donald's wildly successful transition and his excellent cabinet appointments. The liberal snowflake 'safe-space' crowd has been triggered by the election of Donald Trump. Their world has been turned upside down. The problem is, Donald Trump is more Hamiltonian than Hamilton himself. Here's some key facts about Alexander Hamilton:

Alexander Hamilton was an immigration hardliner:

"To admit foreigners indiscriminately to the rights of citizens, the moment they put foot in our country, as recommended in the message, would be nothing less than to admit the Grecian horse into the citadel of our liberty and sovereignty.” [source]

Most importantly, Hamilton was skeptical of any alliance with European powers, just as Trump today calls on the U.S. to withdraw from the NATO alliance:

You must be out of your Goddamn mind if you think
The President is gonna bring the nation to the brink
Of meddling in the middle of a military mess
A game of chess, where France is Queen and Kingless
We signed a treaty with a King whose head is now in a basket
Would you like to take it out and ask it?
“Should we honor our treaty, King Louis’ head?”
“Uh… do whatever you want, I’m super dead.” [source]

Long before Trump was using twitter to attack his mortal enemies Hillary Clinton and Saturday Night Live, Alexander Hamilton published pamphlets for the sole purpose of savaging fellow federalist Jon Adams in vicious fashion.

These kids have no business yelling at America's best Vice President since Aaron Burr if they can't even get history right. Alexander Hamilton didn't invent the electoral college only to have crybabies protest the totally legitimate election of our 45th president. Folks, I call on President Trump to do the right thing and hereby ban all Broadway musical performances. The theatre-industrial-complex has become a cesspool of liberal historical revisionism that stands in direct opposition to Mr. Trump's noble efforts to Make America Great Again. Broadway has become another arm of the democratic party and explicitly colluded with Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. President Elect Trump must not throw away his shot. Don't get me wrong: I like musicals. I listen to my vinyl copy of The Music Man at least once a day, in between shots of Jim Beam Fire. But, to truly drain the swamp, Donald must ban Broadway. 

@realDonaldTrump Donald Trump, you should PROHIBIT Broadway Musicals! Tell those dorks to go to Europe if they like theater!

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) November 19, 2016

Replacing the Irreplaceable: Why Bud Norris Is A Hero

Danville, Kentucky - How does one replace that which is irreplaceable? It is a question, by nature rhetorical, that has been screamed into the void by many disciples and foot-soldiers following the departure of a respected leader. It is a question that the irascible New Englander and former Vice President John Adams asked himself upon succeeding George Washington as the young American republic's President in 1796. George Washington, the father of this great country, shepherded the nascent nation through many trials and tribulations. General Washington was a larger than life figure, who steadfastly guided America through both bitter defeat at the Battle of Long Island and joyous triumphs at Saratoga and Yorktown. The General's steely resolve and cool demeanor secured the Jay Treaty of 1974; he was truly "first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen."

The General

Enter John Adams - the man tasked with replacing the young nation's quasi-divine paternal figure. Washington stood tall and proud, a decorated military hero; Adams was Danny DeVito-like in stature and temperament. How could any man hope to succeed General Washington? How does one replace that which is irreplaceable?

Adams and Bud Norris: Kindred Spirits

It is a question that Bud Norris, a former member of the Atlanta Braves recently acquired by the Los Angeles Dodgers, will ask himself this holiday weekend. Bud was acquired by a pitching-starved Dodgers organization reeling from the news that superhuman ace Clayton Kershaw would be heading to the disabled list. The Dodgers rotation is a shadow of its former glory without Clayton, the only winner of 10 or more games on the staff this season. Kenta Maeda has been a revelation, but remains fragile and injury-prone. Scott Kazmir sports a 7-5 win/loss record but has failed to eat innings, having gone more than 6 innings only twice so far this season. Alex Wood is on the disabled list as well. Young Julio Urias may yet be the salvation of the Dodgers franchise, but at age 19, he cannot be asked to anchor the rotation, just as it was irresponsible of John Adams Sr. to send 14 year old John Quincy Adams on a diplomatic envoy to St. Petersburg.

Young John Quincy

As Bud Norris prepares to take the mound against the Baltimore Orioles - one of his former teams - this Wednesday, he will privately acknowledge that he cannot hope to replace Kershaw; a Cy Young winner and lock for 20+ wins every season. Nobody expects Bud to replace the irreplaceable Clayton Kershaw. Surely Bud is aware of how little faith in him the Dodger fanbase has.

Come on Bud Norris guy. 6 innings are not enough to earn good american dollars.

— Juan Cisneros (@JCisneros413) July 2, 2016

On top of it all, Bud Norris is Clayton Kershaw's replacement. LA sucks.

— Beau Wright (@LeftbutWright35) June 30, 2016

Bud Norris sucks at baseball. I wouldn't trade a '94 playboy for him. #FatLoser

— Mr. Compassion (@trashman_23) June 30, 2016

@OccupyDodgers Mr Fraudman , and I ask this sincerely , why ? He looks like Mat Latos type . Only hope is to recreate 2014. Ship sailed ?

— Bill Patton (@wpatton3) June 30, 2016

John Adams was hailed with a similar hail of insults when he assumed the office of Presidency. In October of 1800, Treasure Secretary Alexander Hamilton wrote a public letter slamming President Adams as egotistical, jealous, vane, and unfit to represent the Federalist Party. Bud will react as President Adams did to these insults; by putting his head down and doing his job.

I rarely agree with roster moves made by Andrew Fraudman, sabermetric saboteur of the Tampa Bay Rays and now the Los Angeles Dodgers. But the acquisition of Bud Norris must be applauded. Bud is a winner, having guided the Orioles to postseason success in 2014. The triumphant return of Clayton Kershaw remains pivotal to the World Series hopes of the Dodgers. Yet, every winning team requires role-players to complement the talents of other-worldly heroes like General Washington. Kershaw and Washington are both fearless and indispensable leaders. Just as America learned to survive in the absence of President Washington's steady leadership, the Dodgers must learn to win without their ace. On this 4th of July, let us not forget the irreplaceable contributions of unsung heroes like John Adams and Bud Norris.

@Ken_Rosenthal big vet arm. They won't miss Clayton much with Bud on board.

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) June 30, 2016

Role Reversal: TWTW's Zimmermann vs. Scherzer Preview

credit: Fox Sports

Danville, Kentucky -- "What are the odds the gods would put us all in one spot?," asked the young Alexander Hamilton to his co-patriots, Aaron Burr, Hercules Mulligan, John Laurens, and Marquis de Lafayette, the feisty French freedom fighter. Jordan Zimmermann will ask himself a similar question as he returns to our great nation's capitol, a city built by the unceasing labor and determination of Treasury Secretary Hamilton and our nation's other founding fathers.

Indeed, the stars have aligned for a fortuitous pitching match-up, a showdown as unlikely as America's democratic experiment itself. Jordan Zimmermann will return to Washington D.C. -- the city named for the nation's first commander-in-chief that Mr. Hamilton served so loyally -- to pitch against Max Scherzer. Both pitchers will toe the rubber against their former teams. It is a duel between former teammates, more dramatic than Hamilton vs. Burr. I hold this truth to be self-evident: that all pitching matchups are not created equal.

The prospect of competing against the organizations that nurtured and raised them will arouse a host of mixed emotions in both Mr. Zimmermann and Mr. Scherzer.

Scherzer has bantered about his desire to compete against the Triple Crown-touting Miguel Cabrera, but internally feels apprehension. Nonetheless, Scherzer's anxieties will be tempered by the superhuman-slugging 6′ 2″, 23-year old native of Las Vegas that now sits in his corner.

Jordan is a more stoic man. In Auburndale, Wisconsin, boys are raised not to lose their cool or show emotion. If you get hurt, you dust yourself off, rub salt on your wounds and get back on the horse. To Jordan, pitching is just another job. As a child, Jordan worked from dusk till dawn on cold, northern farmlands. He approaches baseball with a similar stubborn Bulldog-like work ethic, but will nonetheless feel nostalgia upon returning to the beltway.

A time may come when the radical potential of American democracy is fulfilled via a Donald Trump presidency, but for now we'll have to settle for this game. America is a land where anything is possible. Where two franchise cornerstone pitchers can switch franchises and compete against each other. Where even mild-mannered utility infielders like Andrew Romine get to play hero once in a while. Where a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman can wind up on the ten-dollar bill. As fans of the Washington Nationals and Detroit Tigers converge to watch this serendipitous game just footsteps away from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, we should take time to appreciate the sheer splendor of America's centuries-old experiment with democracy and our national pastime.