Thursday, December 22, 2016

My Little Caesars® "Pepperoni & Cheese Stuffed Crust Deep Dish Pizza" Review

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I'll be honest, I get depressed in the wintertime. Winter in Danville is dark, dreary, and cold. Come December, the rich Kentucky blue-grass is a garish, dead yellow color. Often times I find myself blankly staring out the window at the barren fields and mucky grey slush that litters our roads, wishing I were elsewhere. The numbing monotony of the lifeless, overcast skies sucks all the energy from me. There isn't much to look forward to in the midst of a Kentuckian winter. It can be hard to find the will to persevere.

Yet, Little Caesars has offered me hope in this deepest and darkest of winters. I'm blogging here today to spread the good word about an instant-classic 'za concoction from the good folks at Little Caesars.

I first heard about this pie during a commercial break while I was watching Hannity. It sounded like something out of a dream: a deep dish pie, with real pepperoni and mozzarella cheese stuffed into the crust.

Soak it all in, folks.
Folks, this pizza truly is a dream come true. Let me break down it's deliciousness:


Let's talk dimensions really quick. Upon opening Little Caesars' signature orange cardboard box I was taken aback by the sheer size and girth of this pizza. This puppy features 8 slices. I want to say there is about three and a half feet of crust. Each slice is about 1.5 or 2 inches deep. If you have to carry the pizza's box for an extended period if time, you'll immediately notice it's a heavy pie: I'm told it is 10-times heavier than a regular Hot-N-Ready pizza. It has 10-times the flavor too, folks.


While this pizza is extravagant in many ways, its toppings are understated. The culinary geniuses at Little Caesars are willing to let the quality of the pie speak for itself and not overload the pizza with extraneous toppings. Nothing is worse than a pizza with too many toppings, especially when we're dealing with non-meat toppings. Who wants to eat a pizza topped with pineapple, peppers, onions, or worst of all, mushrooms? Not me - if I'm at a party and see pizza with vegetables on it, I'll be headed toward the door before you can say "anchovies."

Fortunately, the pizza I'm reviewing today recognizes the beauty of simplicity. It is adorned only with pepperoni -- very crispy and spicy pepperoni, I might add. If you're lucky, the pepperoni might be a little burnt around the edges like mine was, which imbues a rich, smoky flavor. So far, so good.


The cheese on this bad boy was divine. Nice and greasy, goopy, and at times, baked right into the crust so that it's difficult to tell where the cheese ends and crust begins: one seamless, cheesy pizza masterpiece. Cheese is often a bit of a throwaway item on lesser pizzas, but Little Caesars outdid themselves here. When cooked to golden brown perfection, few pizzas utilize better raw materials than the cheese featured here.

You'll want to keep a lot of napkins handy. This pizza is more slippery than Ted Cruz; it's served fresh out of the oven and dripping with hot grease. You'll want to take a shower after eating it, but make sure to take the time to luxuriate in this flavor roller-coaster along the way, folks.


The sauce is the secret to this pizza's brilliance. It's sweet, tomato flavor is a perfect complement to the salty, savory taste of the pepperoni. On my pie, the sauce was piping hot and spilling out from underneath of its blanket of melted mozzarella cheese. It gets messy folks, which is just how I like my pizza. Be warned though, due to the greasiness and general sloppiness of this pizza, the Little Caesars® "Pepperoni & Cheese Stuffed Crust Deep Dish Pizza" might not be appropriate to eat at formal occasions like a business meeting or romantic encounter.


The pepperoni was stuffed in the breading with care.
The crust is where the magic happens on this pie, folks. Pizza novices should be aware that this is a Detroit-style, square deep dish pizza; not round, Chicago-style deep dish or wimpy New York-style pizza. Notably, each slice is a corner slice, intensifying the toasty goodness of each bite. Prepare yourself accordingly. This crust is not for the faint of heart. It's thick. It's heavy. It's dense. I skipped breakfast and fasted prior to eating this pizza for lunch; if you don't have an empty stomach before eating this pie you might not get through more than a half a slice.

The crust is perfectly textured: buttery, crispy, flaky, crunchy. Satisfying as hell to eat. But folks, let's get to the main attraction. You weren't here to read about the cheese or sauce or toppings. This pizza is all about what's hidden inside.

Folks, the pepperoni and cheese stuffed crust was world-changing as advertised. The entire length of the crust was stuffed with the equivalent of six-feet worth of spicy, tongue-singeing pepperoni and cheese. This is a very family-friendly pizza: if you have children, they'll love playing with the cheese that is stuffed in the crust, as it is very stretchy. For adult consumers, the savory notes of the "Pepperoni & Cheese Stuffed Crust Deep Dish Pizza" pairs nicely with Boone's Farm wines and Kentucky Deluxe whiskey.

The pepperoni in the crust was of an even higher quality than the pepperoni that rested atop the pizza; I can't confirm this, but my intuition is that the the pepperoni stuffed in the crust was closer to deli/sandwich style pepperoni. It was thinner, but had a richer, porkier taste. You could tell that each pepperoni was tucked into the crust with the same gentle, loving touch that a mother might use while tucking her children into bed. I could taste the care that went into making this magisterial pie, folks. You can't fake the deep, undying affection that goes into making this pizza. This is the type of pizza that could only be created by the warm, tender touch of a human. You'll appreciate your memories of eating hand-crafted delicacies one day when robots enslave humanity and force us to eat industrially-manufactured sludge.


The Little Caesars® "Pepperoni & Cheese Stuffed Crust Deep Dish Pizza" is a culinary triumph, a comprehensive victory unlike anything America has seen since Donald Trump's triumph on November 8th. I would give it two thumbs up, five stars, 10 out of 10, 100% fresh. You won't be disappointed folks, and if you're a fan of the Detroit Tigers, you should feel doubly satisfied as your money will go towards helping Little Caesars CEO and Detroit Tigers owner Mike Ilitch pay the fantastic Mike Pelfrey's contract.

That being said, there is still room for improvement. For one, it's a travesty that Little Caesars doesn't allow you to order this pizza with bacon wrapped around the crust. A "Bacon-Wrapped, Pepperoni & Cheese Stuffed Crust Deep Dish Pizza" is exactly what America needs right now. In addition, Little Caesars should allow more customization of this pizza. Why not offer a meat-lovers version that is both topped and stuffed with bacon, ham, hamburger, and Italian sausage? In a country primed for an economic rebound because of the election of Trump, there would certainly be demand for such a hot commodity. In addition, Little Caesars should consider letting customers choose what type of cheese to stuff their crust with: offering some sort of three-cheese blend or spicy nacho cheese stuffing is a no-brainer, folks. In the long term, offering a mac-and-cheese stuffed crust pizza makes a lot of sense too.

This is already a perfect pizza but there's so much room to improve it and take it in new, exciting directions. I look forward to seeing the next generation of stuffed crust pizzas as Little Caesars continues to boldly innovate and experiment with tasty new varieties of a classic American staple. If nothing else, they've put a smile on one Kentucky man's face.

One of My Heroes Eating the Little Caesars® "Pepperoni & Cheese Stuffed Crust Deep Dish Pizza"