Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Spam Town Spirit: Why the Sharks Suck

Danville, Kentucky -

The following is a guest post by my nephew Max Hart. I do not endorse the NHL, Minnesota, or any associated liberalism.


Austin, Minnesota - While silver-spooned nerds and coddled millennials watched a big market basketball team from the West coast buy their way past the gritty Oklahoma City Thunder into the NBA finals, blue collar America had a huge victory that none of the liberal sports media will talk about: The Pittsburgh Penguins crushing 3-2 victory over the San Jose Sharks. Nate Silver and other casual sports fans might explain that the Penguins only won the game by a single goal. If any of these spreadsheet gazers took the time to go to the 18th Avenue Applebee’s, eat their beer cheese pretzels and mozzarella sticks, and actually WATCH the game, they would all be humming a different tune.

City-slickers might have time during the day to shirk off any of the little work they have at their cushy office job and stare at nonsense spreadsheets about efficiency, CARMELO, and other stats that ignore the intangibles and have a worse predictive track record than my friend Chuck’s 3-legged Rottweiler.  These phonies have never learned the value of hard work that a 13 hour shift at the Hormel factory in Spam Town, USA instills in even the most stubborn of mules. For us blue collar folks, nothing is more satisfying than watching a bunch of working class individuals representing the industrious city of Pittsburgh watch their team wear down and outplay the pansy “Sharks” from San Jose in one of the grittiest, most physical, and raw sports that exists. This is more than a simple game; this series represents the struggles between working America and the liberal yuppies of the Left Coast.

The greatest country in the world is on the brink of being schlonged by Hillary “NAFTA” Clinton. Even though Donald Trump could fit all of Hillary Clinton’s work experience through his eye with little to no discomfort, liberal news outlets are incorrectly painting Donny as the “inexperienced” candidate. And folks, I’m sure basketball fans believe that MSNBC can predict no wrong. I mean, with the Golden State Warriors winning games in the laziest way possible, it’s no wonder that so many of my coworkers feel like there is no longer an incentive to pack 20 cans of spam in 1 minute (a record long held by local legend Chip “Badger” Baxter). But behind the scenes, true Americans everywhere are rallying behind Donald Trump and another unlikely hero: the mighty Penguins from Pittsburgh. It’s simple folks. Obama’s master plan to destroy manufacturing in the United States has failed. This joke of a president thought that it would be a good idea to outsource our jobs to China as part of the disastrous TPP. It’s no surprise that the same president would think it wise to outsource good hockey to California. Folks, I’m going to be very frank here: the last time there was enough snow in California to actually play hockey without fancy trust-fund ice rinks, Uncle Will hadn’t yet thrown his legendary no-no. Obama throwing his weight behind San Jose hockey exposes that the radical left would rather see a team named after a fish, which couldn’t even survive on the ice, take down everyone’s favorite ice-dwelling flightless birds. This is only one of many examples of BRObama’s laughable idealism.

Now many fair-whether sports fans might be thinking “isn’t hockey just a bunch of toothless Canadians figure skating and running into each other?” If these losers watched even a single game, they would know that the American work ethic is the defining characteristic of the sport. Case in point: Nick Bonino. This guy is a proven winner. Growing up in the great state of Connecticut, Bonino lead Farmington High School to a state championship in a very competitive winter-sports state. The Boston University Terriers didn’t recruit this guy for just for his 91 points in 24 games, but rather they recruited him because he showed grit and a will to win. These intangible factors proved successful yet again, when he led his terriers to a come-from behind national championship victory with a game tying goal with only 17.4 seconds remaining. The terriers have a history of producing winners, such as Mike Eruzione, the Team Captain of the 1980 Gold Medal Olympic team and the scorer of the goal that sent the Soviet Union spiraling into collapse faster than a Wade Davis fastball. But unlike Mike, who was mostly focused on defeating foreign enemies, Bonino has made it his mission to fight the domestic evils of socialism. Bonino scored a beautiful goal against Joe Thornton and the other Canadian immigrants and beneficiaries of NAFTA who “represent” the city of San Jose. I may be editorializing too much, folks, but I personally think that Nick Bonino would be an excellent Vice Presidential nominee for Donald J. Trump. Together, Nick and Donny have made it their mission to save America, one victory at a time. It’s time that hockey be recognized for exactly what it is: America’s chance to win again.