Ban the Warriors

Danville, Kentucky -- Thomas Jefferson, the father of enlightenment liberalism, once wrote: "it is not by the consolidation or concentration, of powers, but by their distribution that good government is effected." Indeed, America has long grappled with the problem of power being concentrated in the hands of an elite few, preventing many honest Americans from sharing in the bounties of our great nation. President Andrew Jackson, hater of paper money and the plundering financial barons, recognized this problem and rightly vetoed Congress's attempt to re-charter the Second Bank of the United States in an effort to restore economic independence to the common man. President Franklin D. Roosevelt knew this, and rightly cracked down on the Wall Street marauders responsible for the Great Depression, re-distributing wealth from the rich few to the hard-working many. President Donald J. Trump will soon follow in this great tradition, and is on the precipice of launching a fierce attack on entrenched oligarchy and corporate globalist robbery like no President ever before.

Folks, the NBA should take a page from Jefferson, Jackson, Roosevelt, and Trump's book. It is not by the consolidation or concentration, of players, but by their distribution that good basketball is effected. Despite boasting more exciting superstar players than ever before, NBA basketball has never been less compelling. A historically good (but historically choke-prone) 73-win Golden State Warriors team added Kevin Durant last off-season. The Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers absolutely cruised to the NBA finals, facing no real competition en route to winning their conferences. In the NBA, the rich keep getting richer. Next season the arms race will continue once the Cavaliers inevitably acquire Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul. It's time to stop this madness before it spirals out of control, and the NBA becomes a two-tiered league of contenders and D-League wannabes.

President Obama's greatest mistake, other than attending an Ivy League school and being a weak-kneed liberal, was that he didn't break up the big banks after the 2008 financial crisis. Bernie Sanders knew this, and would've won the 2016 Democratic Nomination with this argument had George Soros and Debbie Wasserman Schultz not rigged the game to stop him. It's time for Adam Silver to do what Obama couldn't: break up the big teams, the teams that have become too big to fail. Redistribute the wealth by putting Kevin Durant on the Brooklyn Nets as punishment for betraying Russell Westbrook and the Oklahoma City Thunder. End the concentration of the league's premier talent in two teams, or basketball's inequality crisis will escalate until upward mobility for weaker teams is extinguished. The fate of the game of basketball is on the line.

Spam Town Spirit: Why the Sharks Suck

Danville, Kentucky -

The following is a guest post by my nephew Max Hart. I do not endorse the NHL, Minnesota, or any associated liberalism.

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Austin, Minnesota - While silver-spooned nerds and coddled millennials watched a big market basketball team from the West coast buy their way past the gritty Oklahoma City Thunder into the NBA finals, blue collar America had a huge victory that none of the liberal sports media will talk about: The Pittsburgh Penguins crushing 3-2 victory over the San Jose Sharks. Nate Silver and other casual sports fans might explain that the Penguins only won the game by a single goal. If any of these spreadsheet gazers took the time to go to the 18th Avenue Applebee’s, eat their beer cheese pretzels and mozzarella sticks, and actually WATCH the game, they would all be humming a different tune.

City-slickers might have time during the day to shirk off any of the little work they have at their cushy office job and stare at nonsense spreadsheets about efficiency, CARMELO, and other stats that ignore the intangibles and have a worse predictive track record than my friend Chuck’s 3-legged Rottweiler.  These phonies have never learned the value of hard work that a 13 hour shift at the Hormel factory in Spam Town, USA instills in even the most stubborn of mules. For us blue collar folks, nothing is more satisfying than watching a bunch of working class individuals representing the industrious city of Pittsburgh watch their team wear down and outplay the pansy “Sharks” from San Jose in one of the grittiest, most physical, and raw sports that exists. This is more than a simple game; this series represents the struggles between working America and the liberal yuppies of the Left Coast.

The greatest country in the world is on the brink of being schlonged by Hillary “NAFTA” Clinton. Even though Donald Trump could fit all of Hillary Clinton’s work experience through his eye with little to no discomfort, liberal news outlets are incorrectly painting Donny as the “inexperienced” candidate. And folks, I’m sure basketball fans believe that MSNBC can predict no wrong. I mean, with the Golden State Warriors winning games in the laziest way possible, it’s no wonder that so many of my coworkers feel like there is no longer an incentive to pack 20 cans of spam in 1 minute (a record long held by local legend Chip “Badger” Baxter). But behind the scenes, true Americans everywhere are rallying behind Donald Trump and another unlikely hero: the mighty Penguins from Pittsburgh. It’s simple folks. Obama’s master plan to destroy manufacturing in the United States has failed. This joke of a president thought that it would be a good idea to outsource our jobs to China as part of the disastrous TPP. It’s no surprise that the same president would think it wise to outsource good hockey to California. Folks, I’m going to be very frank here: the last time there was enough snow in California to actually play hockey without fancy trust-fund ice rinks, Uncle Will hadn’t yet thrown his legendary no-no. Obama throwing his weight behind San Jose hockey exposes that the radical left would rather see a team named after a fish, which couldn’t even survive on the ice, take down everyone’s favorite ice-dwelling flightless birds. This is only one of many examples of BRObama’s laughable idealism.

Now many fair-whether sports fans might be thinking “isn’t hockey just a bunch of toothless Canadians figure skating and running into each other?” If these losers watched even a single game, they would know that the American work ethic is the defining characteristic of the sport. Case in point: Nick Bonino. This guy is a proven winner. Growing up in the great state of Connecticut, Bonino lead Farmington High School to a state championship in a very competitive winter-sports state. The Boston University Terriers didn’t recruit this guy for just for his 91 points in 24 games, but rather they recruited him because he showed grit and a will to win. These intangible factors proved successful yet again, when he led his terriers to a come-from behind national championship victory with a game tying goal with only 17.4 seconds remaining. The terriers have a history of producing winners, such as Mike Eruzione, the Team Captain of the 1980 Gold Medal Olympic team and the scorer of the goal that sent the Soviet Union spiraling into collapse faster than a Wade Davis fastball. But unlike Mike, who was mostly focused on defeating foreign enemies, Bonino has made it his mission to fight the domestic evils of socialism. Bonino scored a beautiful goal against Joe Thornton and the other Canadian immigrants and beneficiaries of NAFTA who “represent” the city of San Jose. I may be editorializing too much, folks, but I personally think that Nick Bonino would be an excellent Vice Presidential nominee for Donald J. Trump. Together, Nick and Donny have made it their mission to save America, one victory at a time. It’s time that hockey be recognized for exactly what it is: America’s chance to win again.

Bench Steph Curry

Danville, Kentucky - They told me I was about to have a slice of pizza that would change my life. I know that was possible. I remember the first time I had a pan pizza from Pizza Hut. The overwhelming crust paired with the  perfect pepperoni to change my belief that hope was not lost. It secured my unending belief that the best pizza in New York could not compare to the pizza one could find in literally any kind of mid-size town in America.

Papa Murphy's is a prelude to the fall of the West. I went to the Papa Murphy's and ordered a pepperoni pizza. A young jokster behind the register handed me a frozen pizza. Wholesome humor was alive in America, I thought. This restaurant could be even better than the Hut. Not since my support of Hubert Humphrey in 1968 was I so wrong.

Papa Murphy's does not cook their pizza. They hand you a slab of frozen pizza and expect you to go home and cook it. I felt embarrassed. Was I the only person without a pizza oven in America? Why was this location charging me the same price for a non-cooked pizza as any other pizza locale would to actually cook the pizza and pay for the cost of an oven? Would my children think me a fool for using so many rhetorical questions in a row? All evils created by Papa Murphy's. I left in anger. Hopeful for the respite of Chick Fil A, I quickly realized it was Sunday. Another night at the Chili's it was. Another night of great food guaranteed.

The 2016 Warriors are a lot like Papa Murphy's. They suck. Sure, the skeptics would say, "Will, have you had a few too many rounds of Chilis' delicious queso and tequila?" Yes, but that has nothing to with reason and everything to do with proper taste. Proper taste tells me the Warriors are not doing well. They've lost home games to the Celtics and have even lost to a Rockets team whose desperate prayers to end the season are met with a laugh from a God who has long ago forsaken them.

James Harden once again getting wrecked by the Based God

The Warriors have a choice to make: continue down the path of defeat or make the change they need. It's time to bench Steph Curry. Steph is a good man. He plays hard and is twice the father with a fourth the marriages I am.

— Andre Iguodala (@andre) September 22, 2014

[Andre Iguodala quoting noted conservative scholar Thomas Sowell]

Steph is too focused on winning the MVP award and getting his own shot. Other than his scores of assists a game and gaudy plus/minus numbers, he does little for his own teammates. Just look at game 4. They won without Steph. The Warriors shot what seems unsustainable against the Rockets, but the post-American era of World War II once seemed unsustainable in the face of defeat after defeat from the forces of Marxists. Yet, the hope was not lost. The fight was not over. America went on to win the Cold War because it focused on being the best America it could be. The Warriors need to focus on being the best Warriors they can be.

Steph has also politicized the Warriors. Mr. Curry now appears in ads with the Obama White House. The same White House that passed Obamacare. When conservatives like Andre Iguodala take the Court, they need a non-partisan leader. I mean, who has any clue what Shaun Livingston thinks about NAFTA? I do. I know a veteran blue collar player like Livingston understands we're losing jobs because of NAFTA. Livingston is the man to lead Golden State and right the lost chemistry of a once proud team. 

The path of the present does not lock us into the future of failure. The Warriors and America can do better. Honestly, if America would just stop eating at Papa Murphy's, I wouldn't give a damn if Steph Curry played or not. But since this country will continue to eat at Papa Murphy's, let's just hope the Warriors play a veteran.