Friday, January 27, 2017

Invade Chicago

Danville, Kentucky -- Sometimes, folks don't know what's best for them. People are often short-sighted and myopic, and don't always act in their best interest. Sometimes, even good and decent folk need to be saved from themselves. Nobody likes being told that they're ruining their own life; I've never responded kindly to my wife's criticism that spending $200 a week at Olive Garden is imprudent. She rightly outlines both fiscal and health reasons why I need to lay off the unlimited soup, salad, and bread-sticks festivities. Yes, I know a man only making about $20,000 a year shouldn't be spending hundreds of dollars a month on gnocchi and chicken parmesan. Yes, I know the intake of trans-fat, calories, sodium, and cholesterol associated with my Olive Garden habit is slowly killing me. But old habits die hard. Thank God I have my wife to badger me in to going to Subway or Jimmy John's instead once in a while so that I can eat healthier and more affordably.

Folks, somebody's got to set Chicago straight. They definitely do not know what is best for them. Chicago is rapidly becoming a warzone, a hell-scape, a nightmarish urban zone of sacrifice comparable to Fallujah, Kabul, or Jakku. Worse, there's no voice of reason like my wife to fix this situation. It's time for drastic action. It's time for President Trump to send in a federal counter-insurgency force of National Guard units, military personnel, special forces commandos, death troopers, Navy Seal teams, and heavy artillery pieces. The United States Navy should immediately deploy a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier -- perhaps a newly minted "U.S.S. Trump" -- to Lake Michigan's western shore so as to blockade this crime-infested murder den and prevent liberal sympathizers from sneaking supplies into the city.

Nothing less will bring an end to the bloodshed in Chicago. Nothing less will ensure lasting peace and stability in the Great State of Illinois, Land of Lincoln.
So much is at stake in Chicago right now, which has become a lawless sanctuary city thanks to the corrupt reign of President Obama, Rahm Emanuel, and Joe Maddon. Here are the ironclad reasons Trump must swiftly restore order to Chicago by any means necessary:

1) Chicago-style hot dogs are a clear and present danger to national security

Folks, there are a two wrong ways to eat a hot dog: in the south, or in Chicago. Folks living south of my homeland Kentucky don't know how to cook and prepare a hot dog correctly. Southerners are best at preparing pork if it's barbecued or pulled, but not if it's served in hot dog form. Chicago's problem isn't that they don't know how to prepare a hot dog. It's that they load it up with foul and unnecessary condiments to the point where it becomes unrecognizable, a veritable atrocity warranting decisive federal intervention.

Two condiment choices in particular strike me as indefensible: the bright green sweet pickle relish and tomatoes. The sweet pickle relish pairs awfully with the savory and spicy notes of the peppers and onions that top this dog. It is also redundant with the pickle spear that typically accompanies any Chicago-style dog. Not only is this relish unappetizing, it's bright green color is aesthetically revolting, and reminds me of radioactive waste or Flubber. The choice to put tomatoes on a hot dog is similarly misguided and un-American. Folks, no true American eats tomatoes unless they are served as tomato sauce on a pizza, in salsa form, or as a canned Campbell's soup served with Goldfish crackers. These disgusting and slimy vegetables do not belong anywhere near a hot dog. If you want to eat a hot dog correctly, try a Cincinnati-style chili dog or a Detroit-style coney dog. Mr. Trump, please direct the United States Air Force to neutralize any known manufacturers of hot dogs in the Chicago area. The fate of American cuisine hangs in the balance.

2) Guaranteed Rate Field is a crime against humanity

No organization has suffered more from the humanitarian crisis unfolding in Chicago than the White Sox. The escalating violence has caused baseball talent to flee the city, with stars such as Chris Sale and Adam Eaton among the players to have left the south side in exile. The violence has taken its toll on the White Sox roster, but it has also taken its toll on the dignity of the franchise. Since leaving the legendary Comiskey Park, which hosted the White Sox in their glory days and also hosted a pair of famous Beatles concerts, the franchise has played in some really lousy stadiums. Cellular Field was an ugly tin can, more uncomfortable than a red-eye flight on a packed plane. The team's new digs, Guaranteed Rate Field, promises to be no better.
What corporate focus group is responsible for creating that logo? Not to mention the fact that "Guaranteed Rate Field" is perhaps the blandest, most nondescript stadium name in any sport. Nothing says "come to our ballpark" like a red arrow on a downward trajectory. Then again, the White Sox are also on a decades-long downward trajectory of their own.
To save the Chicago White Sox from themselves -- the once proud franchise that gave us legendary announcer Hawk Harrelson, Hall of Fame slugger Frank "the Big Hurt" Thomas, and all-time great glue-guy Tyler Saladino -- President Trump must impose martial law, occupy Guaranteed Rate Field, and begin the long process of building a new stadium with a less humiliating name. If we can tear down and rebuild Iraq, we can tear down and rebuild this awful stadium.

3) Jay Cutler is an enemy combatant and must be detained

The Cubs won the world series - but the rest of Chicago sports are in a largely sorry state. Dwayne Wade has not made the Chicago Bulls great again. But the biggest crime is happening just a stone's throw from the majestic Lake Michigan at the splendid Soldier Field. The formerly mighty Chicago Bears are mired in mediocrity thanks to their oft-injured and ineffective quarterback, Jay Cutler. He was recently signed to a massive extension. There is a strong argument that this is the worst contract in the NFL. Jay Cutler's continued existence is an existential threat to the Chicago Bears. President Trump should immediately issue a warrant for his arrest, and indefinitely detain him without trial at Guantanamo Bay or an equivalently secure C.I.A. black site.


Chicago is a tinderbox waiting to explode. Trump is faced with an unenviable choice. He can leave Chicago to fester and burn, sacrificing many innocent lives in the process. Or he can boldly order a federal intervention into the city, risking prolonged occupation, radicalization, blowback, and even more bloodshed. Abraham Lincoln was once faced with a similarly unenviable choice, and history rewarded him for risking blood and treasure to preserve our union. President Trump cannot delay any longer. Chicago must be invaded, for its own good.