Sunday, January 29, 2017

Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court Justice

Danville, Kentucky -- The moment of truth has come. The moment they said would never come. The moment that Nate Silver and Nate Cohn and countless other bespectacled data gurus named Nate said would never happen. The moment when Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, picks a Supreme Court Justice and forever alters the destiny of our great nation.

Folks, I'll give you a recap if you're just tuning in. Last season on the smash-hit TV show "American Democracy," beloved textualist, traditionalist and constructionist Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia mysteriously died. This left a vacancy on the nation's highest court, one which Donald must now fill. Scalia had dutifully held that seat since 1986, a simpler time when America's enemies wore uniforms and our battles were fought on ideological rather than civilizational grounds. The circumstances of his untimely passage are still murky, and I suspect Hillary Clinton was involved, adding to the already prolific count of important political figures to have been slain by the former First Lady and Secretary of State.

Donald Trump can delay no longer. He must appoint Scalia's successor; a man who will uphold our precious constitution. A man who knows that the constitution is not a "living document" because documents are definitionally just pieces of paper and not sentient beings capable of adapting to rapidly changing political contexts. I once thought Donald should appoint himself to the Supreme Court. I still stand by that plan; Donald would easily win confirmation. But now I have a better plan: Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court Justice.

It makes too much sense, folks. Not only is Rudy America's mayor, he knows the ins and outs of the US legal system. He used his connections at the FBI to help convince FBI director James Comey to investigate Hillary Clinton, flipping the election to Donald. He helped craft Donald's wildly successful and expertly-implemented travel ban. More importantly, he's loyal to both the constitution and Mr. Trump. I know many conservatives are hoping Trump picks one of the names on the list of egghead lawyers that is currently circulating. I know these men have more law degrees and trial experience than Mr. Giuliani. But Trump shouldn't pick people just because they were writing for obscure law reviews nobody will read while Rudy was busy being America's mayor. We all know any college degree except a Trump University degree isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Donald has done a fantastic job assembling a cabinet full of experts like Ben Carson, Betsy DeVos, and that guy who made the sexy Hardee's commercials. But he hasn't rewarded Rudy, who steadfastly defended Donald throughout the brutal 2016 campaign. Rudy's has been Donald's bulldog; barking loudly in defense of Mr. Trump in the face of a biased and malicious media. This type of loyalty must be rewarded. America needs a bulldog on the Supreme Court: somebody willing to defend Donald's signature accomplishments like The Wall, NAFTA renegotiation, taking ISIS's oil, prosecuting Rafael Cruz, deporting robots, investigating Pizzagate and pardoning Pete Rose. All of these policies and more will come under immediate fire thanks to the army of liberal lawyers chomping at the bit to hit Donald with frivolous lawsuits. These policies need a defender. They need a bulldog. Rudy can be that bulldog. Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court, Mr. President.