Brexit Velocity: Chaos Is Coming

Danville, Kentucky -- Every time a civilization reaches the pinnacle of its decadence, chaos strikes to restore balance to the universe. When a forest grows too wild, a purging fire is natural and inevitable. Folks, Trump is here to return America to its equilibrium. The billionaire classes have become ignorant and fat in their dotage, extravagantly feasting upon the lower classes with the help of politicians like Crooked Hillary. For centuries, good folks around the world have been suppressed and kept down by myths of opportunity propagated by aristocrats in their high, cold ivory towers. All that is about to change. The powerful will be ripped from their decadent nests, and cast out into the cold world that folks like me know and endure. The detached finance capitalists in Washington and Brussels now quiver in fear like convicts awaiting the guillotine in France circa 1972.

Folks, the United Kingdom just won a great victory in the battle against corrupt globalism. The hard-working battle-tested factory workers of Northern England have risen up against their elitist Londoner oppressors. It is a battle being played out in every corner of the globe. Across the Atlantic, Donald Trump is leading the battle against criminal establishment politicians like Little Marco and Lyin’ Ted. It is a battle we cannot afford to lose. All Hillary and her liberal globalist allies care about is money. America deserves a better class of criminal. And Trump is going to give it to us.

Every political order eventually disintegrates. The Roman Empire gave way to the Byzantine Empire which gave way to the Napoleonic Empire which gave way to the Galactic Empire. The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Trump and his legion of globalization's victims are casting away the musty chains of history to usher in a new and more glorious political order than ever before.

Folks now warn of the Brexit causing a new recession. Folks warn it might cause disintegration of the European Union, a time-tested multilateral body forged from the ashes of a war-ridden continent. Folks, that’s the point. Folks like the Clintons and Dave Cameron are obsessed with “stability,” when often what’s needed is good-old-fashioned chaos. Trump knows this. Trump welcomes chaos. Chaos is good for business – ‘crisis’ is after-all a synonym for ‘opportunity.’ Trump knows this. The Brexit wasn’t just the greatest exercise in English self-determination since Susan Boyle won Britain’s Got Talent in 2009; it single-handedly turned Trump’s golf courses in Scotland into cash-machines thanks to a newly worthlessly British Pound (£).

Donald and his anti-globalist allies Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson are going to introduce a little anarchy: when you upset the established order, everything becomes chaos. He will take America back from the corrupt, the rich, and give it back to the people. The moment of truth now awaits. Those who might serve this noble cause must now step forward. Will America stick with the boring status quo, or will we vote for chaos and upheaval by electing Donald? Are we going to carpool in a minivan to work or try to hijack a rental car? Are we going to play it safe and order our fried chicken with parmesan garlic sauce, or risk our explosive intestinal pain by by doubling down on Blazin’ Wings?

The United Kingdom has spoken. Now it’s time for the United States to get on the Brexit ramp for chaos. Buckle up, folks. Take all the money out of your bank account and invest in gold bonds or stash it under your mattress. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Role Reversal: TWTW's Zimmermann vs. Scherzer Preview

credit: Fox Sports

Danville, Kentucky -- "What are the odds the gods would put us all in one spot?," asked the young Alexander Hamilton to his co-patriots, Aaron Burr, Hercules Mulligan, John Laurens, and Marquis de Lafayette, the feisty French freedom fighter. Jordan Zimmermann will ask himself a similar question as he returns to our great nation's capitol, a city built by the unceasing labor and determination of Treasury Secretary Hamilton and our nation's other founding fathers.

Indeed, the stars have aligned for a fortuitous pitching match-up, a showdown as unlikely as America's democratic experiment itself. Jordan Zimmermann will return to Washington D.C. -- the city named for the nation's first commander-in-chief that Mr. Hamilton served so loyally -- to pitch against Max Scherzer. Both pitchers will toe the rubber against their former teams. It is a duel between former teammates, more dramatic than Hamilton vs. Burr. I hold this truth to be self-evident: that all pitching matchups are not created equal.

The prospect of competing against the organizations that nurtured and raised them will arouse a host of mixed emotions in both Mr. Zimmermann and Mr. Scherzer.

Scherzer has bantered about his desire to compete against the Triple Crown-touting Miguel Cabrera, but internally feels apprehension. Nonetheless, Scherzer's anxieties will be tempered by the superhuman-slugging 6′ 2″, 23-year old native of Las Vegas that now sits in his corner.

Jordan is a more stoic man. In Auburndale, Wisconsin, boys are raised not to lose their cool or show emotion. If you get hurt, you dust yourself off, rub salt on your wounds and get back on the horse. To Jordan, pitching is just another job. As a child, Jordan worked from dusk till dawn on cold, northern farmlands. He approaches baseball with a similar stubborn Bulldog-like work ethic, but will nonetheless feel nostalgia upon returning to the beltway.

A time may come when the radical potential of American democracy is fulfilled via a Donald Trump presidency, but for now we'll have to settle for this game. America is a land where anything is possible. Where two franchise cornerstone pitchers can switch franchises and compete against each other. Where even mild-mannered utility infielders like Andrew Romine get to play hero once in a while. Where a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman can wind up on the ten-dollar bill. As fans of the Washington Nationals and Detroit Tigers converge to watch this serendipitous game just footsteps away from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, we should take time to appreciate the sheer splendor of America's centuries-old experiment with democracy and our national pastime.