Monday, March 28, 2016

Trump Will Win Wisconsin

Credit: Andrew Harnik
Danville, Kentucky -- It was Winter of 1986. February, maybe March, but I don't remember. I've had long-term memory problems since my accident at the GM plant a few years back. The days, weeks, and months blend together and become indistinguishable during wintertime in the Great White North of our (once great) country. Entire chapters of your life can be lost in a haze of slush and frost. Following a disappointing Cincinnati Reds season, I once again found myself in my '69 Ford pickup truck voyaging through the Northern wastes of America; that frozen grey area between the Midwest and our syrup-slurping Canadian neighbors. As I took to the open road to become reacquainted with my own inner self, my expedition led me to Deerfield, Wisconsin, a sleepy town of less than a thousand residents. The empty streets, lit only by flickering street-lamps, were blanketed by fluffy tufts of fresh snow. The night sky was cold and empty. The warmth of the sun felt worlds away. As I rubbed my shivering hands together to generate heat, I spotted a humble-looking pub.

I don't normally eat at non-chain restaurants, but this place was fantastic. A cackling fireplace provided atmospheric lighting, with shadows dancing on the wall like a tantalizing ex-wife. A disreputable looking man sat in the corner smoking a pipe as vagabonds played billiards. The sounds of a hockey game emanated from a TV that nobody seemed to be watching. I drank cheap beer out of a dirty and chipped glass mug that night, snacking on fried cheese curds: a golden brown and crispy exterior with sumptuous melted aged Wisconsin cheddar hidden inside. In the Winter of '86, I fell in love with Wisconsin.

Wisconsin is a great American state: the pioneering state that brought us cheese curds, fine pilsner beers, right-to-work laws, and Ray Allen. All paths lead through Wisconsin. In Home Alone (1990), John Candy (R.I.P.) and his merry band of polka musicians were on a voyage to Milwaukee and took Macaulay Culkin's mom to Illinois along the way.

In 2016, Donald Trump is on a voyage to the White House and must pass through America's Dairyland on his way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Why Trump is a Lock in Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin has good taste. They like big blocks of cheese, especially the bold orange kind. Wisconsin is the land that baptizes its indefatigable denizens in golden rivers of locally-brewed Pabst Blue Ribbon and Miller Lite, fine ales that plebians everywhere drink graciously after a hard day's work.

Wisconsin won't vote for John Kasich. They're too fond of Fargo, which took place in nearby North Dakota. They've seen what happened across Lake Michigan in Ohio, where Kasich and NAFTA conspired to annihilate good manufacturing jobs. Wisconsin is a state of Badgers, not Buckeyes.

Wisconsin won't vote for Lyin' Ted. Although Wisconsin is perilously close to Ted's native Canada, it's a state of strong family values, that prizes men who are loyal to their wives and who follow through on their promises to bust-up big government. Wisconsin wants results, not adultery and government shutdowns.

The state of Wisconsin has good taste. That's why Trump will triumph in America's udder this Tuesday. Donald has many advantages in Wisconsin that other candidates don't enjoy.

First, Wisconsin is a state of cheese-heads. Donald is a blockhead who looks like cheese. His wrinkled face is orange, like an old wedge of cheddar that Wisconsinites love ever so much.

Second, Donald and Melania Trump are a shining example of the American family values that Wisconsinites cherish, in a way that Ted and Heidi Cruz have never been. Wisconsin knows Donald has made mistakes: like Trump University, the USFL, and inviting Hillary to his wedding. But Wisconsin is a state that believes in second chances. Wisconsin is the home of the Milwaukee Brewers: the team who forgave 2011 National League MVP Ryan Braun for using steroids, and gave Hernan Perez -- the little utility infielder that could -- a second chance at breaking into the majors after the Detroit Tigers gave up on him. If Wisconsin can forgive Braun and believe in light-hitting Little Hernan, they will surely see the wisdom of casting votes for Trump.

Hernan Perez: Milwaukee's Comeback Kid (July 1, 2015 - Source: Mitchell Leff/Getty Images North America)
Why Wisconsin Needs Trump

The Wisconsin of today is very different from the Wisconsin of 1986 that I fell in love with. The Wisconsin of 2016 has been emptied of jobs by NAFTA and Scott Walker's austerity agenda.
Walker devastated Wisconsin's educational system and busted up the unions. The people of Wisconsin have seen through Walker's charade. When Scott Walker parades around on a Harley Davidson, he doesn't look presidential. He looks like Mike Dukakis in a tank.

Not satisfied with destroying Wisconsin, Walker is trying to destroy America by joining the pathetic #NeverTrump movement. Just as the blue-collar Green Bay Packers once considered moving to big-city Milwaukee, the establishment is trying to make the GOP the party of white collar hucksters like Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan instead of a blue collar Trump party.

The problem is, it's going to take a comeback more miraculous than an Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary to stop Donald now. Cruz and Kasich don't have a prayer of securing the required 1,237 delegates. Wisconsin borders two Great Lakes, but only one candidate on the ballot tomorrow can Make America Great Again. For the good of Deerfield, and good villages across America, we need Trump.