Wouldn't It Be Nice? How to Take the 2017 Dodgers to the Promised Land

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, let me tell you about a great American band, hailing from the great American city of Hawthorne, California. Three brothers, their cousin, and a childhood friend, all singing together in perfect harmony. Together they wrote the soundtrack of summer, filling the airwaves with songs of sunny beaches, gentle waves, beautiful girls, sleek cars and never-ending romances. Their vocal arrangements were angelic; with layers and layers of gorgeous, lush harmonies that blended the transcendence of a church choir with all-American rock-and-roll. Folks, if you grew up in the 1960s like I did, you knew that the greatest band in the world came from America, not England.

The ultimate downfall of the Beach Boys was their move away from what made them great. Instead of writing songs about drag-racing, surfing, and drive-in theaters like they did in the good old days, they started to get all "introspective." They began to use the devil's lettuce, and worse, acid. The happy-go-lucky sunshine pop of "California Girls" eventually gave way to the incomprehensible pretension of "Pet Sounds." Their music became too psychedelic for my taste, and their commercial success suffered as a result. But I'll never forget those innocent early days when they mixed barbershop-quartet harmonies with Chuck Berry-style rhythm-and-blues, giving voice to the hopes and anxieties of millions of teenagers around our great nation.

Folks, I can think of another Californian staple in need of a return to its roots: the Los Angeles Dodgers. It's simply stunning that the Dodgers have not managed to win a World Series over the past half-decade or so. The Dodgers have had every advantage. They've won their division four times in a row and get to beat up on the perennially pathetic Diamondbacks, Rockies, and Padres. They regularly have the league's highest payroll. They have the unquestioned greatest pitcher alive, Clayton Kershaw. They even have a supposed genius at the helm, Andrew Friedman (or Fraudman if you are inclined to be skeptical of sabermetrics like myself).

Yet, in spite of all these tailwinds, the Dodgers have not reached the promised land. Folks, here's how I'd reload the team for a run at the World Series in 2017:

1) SIGN MARK TRUMBO

Folks, it's no secret that the Dodgers suck against left handed pitching. You wouldn't believe it, folks. How bad was it? They were DEAD LAST in batting average vs LHP last season:

[source - via ESPN]

How can a team with a budget larger than most Latin American economies fail to find a few guys that can hit southpaws? This was a problem long in the making. A few seasons ago they traded away noted lefty masher Matt Kemp and never had a strategy for replacing his juicy production. The Dodgers could always just try to trade for Matt Kemp, but if they'd rather dip into the well of free agency, they can finally acquire a man to destroy left-handed pitching: Mark Trumbo. Mark Trumbo pummels lefties like Obama has pummeled our pocketbooks over the past 8 years with his sky-rocketing health insurance premiums and over-regulation of made-up liberal conspiracies like "anthropogenic climate change."

Mark Trumbo, who I firmly maintain should've been the AL MVP this past season, could be just the guy the Dodgers need to jump-start their offense. The Dodgers are in desperate need of right-handed power. The Dodgers hit 37 home-runs against lefties all last season; Mr. Trumbo hit 47 home-runs all by himself last season. Get it done, Fraudman.

(all 47 of Trumbo's dingers)

2) BRING BACK A.J. ELLIS

The turning point of the 2016 Dodgers season was the disastrous decision to trade A.J. Ellis, the emotional rock of the team. 

Ellis 'devastated' by trade to Phillies; shares a cry with 'shocked' Kershaw https://t.co/5rwloIerbX

— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) August 26, 2016

Trading away Kershaw's favorite catcher and telling him to "make do" with Yasmandi Grandal and Carlos Ruiz is a little like sending R2-D2 to the scrap-heap and telling Luke Skywalker to go pilot his X-Wing with some other random astromech droid. Folks, there's a lot more to being a good catcher than your Isolated Power (ISO) or pitch-framing metrics. It's about knowing the pitchers, being their friend, being their anchor, being their comfort in a cold, hard, and cruel game. The Dodgers are a better team with A.J. in the clubhouse and behind the plate. Bring him back, Fraudman.

3) LOCK DOWN THE 9TH INNING

Folks, in a perfect world the Dodgers would bring back Kenley Jansen. That should be their Plan A. Kenley was formidable in the playoffs, proving his mental toughness and fortitude. But what if the Cubs or the Nationals or somebody else go crazy and outbid the Dodgers for Jansen's services? Then things get more complicated. Plan B should be Fernando Rodney.

Folks, Rodney's talents have always been wasted in small markets like Seattle or Miami. It's time to put him under the LA spotlight. Rodney is fresh off of a bounce-back 2016 campaign where he posted a solid 3.44 ERA, 25 saves, and 74 Ks in 65.1 innings pitched. He is without a doubt the best closer in this crop of free agents: Rodney's 261 career saves easily bests Jansen (189), Aroldis Champan (182), and Mark Melancon (168). If the goal is to give skipper Dave Roberts a reliable guy to lock down the 9th inning, there is nobody more qualified than Rodney. Pay the man, Fraudman!

4) KEEP THE PHILADELPHIA BOYS TOGETHER

Folks, if A.J. Ellis was the heart and soul of the 2016 Dodgers, then Joe Blanton and Chase Utley are the team's dirty fingernails. What Blanton and Utley lack in youth they make up for tenfold in their sheer grit, perseverance, effort, and tenacity. Forged in the grease-fires of Philly, Blanton and Utley took the Phillies to the promised land back in 2008, and are just the type of player the Dodgers want to keep around if they're trying to reach the promised land in 2017.

I know there's lots of talk of the Dodgers trading for Ian Kinsler of the Detroit Tigers or Brian Dozier of the Minnesota Twins. But the asking price will be high, and the Dodgers would be loathe to whittle away their farm system when Utley is more than capable of being a competent second baseman. Give Utley a 4 years/$60 million contract and bring back Blanton no matter what the cost. The Dodgers might consider giving stalwart veterans Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard a phone call too. The 2008 Phillies knew how to win, yet the Dodgers have many green-in-the-gills young guns (Corey Seager, Julio Urias, etc.) who need veteran leadership. Make it so, Fraudman.

CONCLUSION

The Dodgers don't need to break the bank or drain the farm system for an ace like Chris Sale. If they make a move for any starting pitcher, it should be Zack Greinke. But I digress. The Dodgers are already a great team, a brotherhood of ball-players all in perfect harmony with one another. The Dodgers don't need a sabermetric revolution anymore than the Beach Boys needed to experiment with hallucinogens. If the Dodgers return to their roots in 2017 -- by doubling down on right-handed power, lock-down closers, and the 2008 Phillies -- there's no telling how much Fun, Fun, Fun they can have.

Boys to Men: The Julio Urias Story

Danville, Kentucky -- Times of hardship forge bonds of fellowship. Adversity can be a crucible, fashioning ties stronger than steel. In war, your fellow soldiers are your brothers. Crouching in a muddy foxhole as artillery thunders loudly inches from your prone, bloodied body, your companions are your only refuge.

So it is war, so it is in baseball. The Los Angeles Dodgers have not seen the foxholes of Belgium, but they are nonetheless a rag-tag band of brothers. The 2016 Dodgers perfectly embody America's "Melting Pot" ideal. The pure chemistry this team shows is enough to make you forget they have a $200+ million dollar payroll and are the subject of a Molly Knight book. The team is a veritable multicultural hodge podge of superstars and gritty role-players, gelling together as one seamless unit. Take a look at some of this team's impact players. There's Clayton Kershaw, Cy Young, ace, unquestioned leader, and emotional bedrock of team. Rich Hill, a 36 year-old journeyman and finesse-pitching maestro. Adrian Gonzalez, 34 year-old clutch-hitting slugger, who with each timely knock makes a case for being the Kirk Gibson of this year's Dodger team. Joe Blanton, 35 year-old comeback kid and relief ace. Kenta Maeda, a 28 year-old Japanese rookie. Yasiel Puig, Cuban superstar turned headcase turned superstar again after a trip to AAA Oklahoma City. Thanks to this melting pot of stars and scrubs, the Dodgers are doing what nobody thought they could: beating the Cubbies in the NLCS.

But folks, no player's contributions to this team have been more improbable than that of 20 year lefty Julio Urias of Culiacán, Mexico. He debuted at age 19 earlier in the 2016 season. He entered the 2016 postseason a boy: he left the pivotal Game 5 of the National League Divisional Series a man.

A boy became a man today. #Dodgers https://t.co/K5kRB4069K

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) October 14, 2016

I'll never again disparage Urias for his age. He's a man now. Reminds me of Upham killing Steamboat Willie in Saving Private Ryan. #Dodgers

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) October 14, 2016

In times of war, boys lose their innocence. They do things that go against the teachings of their Sunday school teacher and the bible. They experience a trial by fire, and endure or perish. Julio Urias had his trial by fire, and he came out stronger.

At age 20, I was unemployed and trying to make cash by stealing parts from cars parked outside the local movie theater at night. At age 20, Urias was putting his name on the wall alongside other October legends. Little Julio Urias was not young enough to legally drink the celebratory champagne being popped in the Dodgers clubhouse after defeating the Washington Nationals in NLDS Game 5, but nonetheless threw 2 gutsy shutout innings in that game en route to becoming the youngest pitcher in MLB history to earn a win in a postseason game.

In Game 4 of the National League Championship Series, young Julio Urias will meet his mirror opposite: grisly postseason stalwart John Lackey of the Chicago Cubs. At age 37, Lackey already has two World Series titles to his name in addition to expansive postseason experience. Julio Urias hits mid to upper nineties with an electric fastball; Lackey usually sits in the low nineties with excellent command, unafraid to pitch to contact with the flashy Cubs defense behind him. Urias has an unassuming, boyish look about him, standing 6′ 0″ tall. John Lackey stands 6′ 6″ tall and resembles a crazed, murderous woodsman that you might encounter in a horror movie.

John Lackey: a perfect foil to Julio Urias

It would be easy to pick the Cubs to win this game. John Lackey has come up big in October time in and time out. Julio has pitched a total of two postseason innings in his nascent career. But the kid learns fast. In his first game against the Cubs on June 2nd, Julio went 5 innings and gave up 5 runs, including 3 home runs. In his next start against the Cubbies on August 27th, he went 6 innings and allowed 1 run. But here's the catch, folks: he was a boy then, and he's a man now. Nobody would blame you for penciling in a Cubs win when a 37 year-old bear of a veteran gets to face off against a 20 year-old rookie. But this isn't any 20 year-old: he's already pitched in higher leverage spots than some men ever will. I believe in the American melting pot experiment. I believe in Julio Urias.

Joe Blanton for NLDS MVP

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I've always resented the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Brooklyn Dodgers were a classic team. They gave us Ebbets Field, and iconic players like Jackie Robinson, Don Newcombe, and Sandy Koufax. The Brooklyn Dodgers were like a '57 Thunderbird: effortlessly elegant, classy, timeless, yet understated. Most importantly, the team's fans were great, salt of the Earth people: heavily-accented, hard-nosed, unpretentious.

The Dodgers franchise has been irreversibly altered for the worse by relocating to the Hollywood hills in Los Angeles, the land of Jack Nicholson and the Kardashians. California sports teams are universally over-hyped and overpaid, earning far more media attention than they actually merit. When most people think of Californian athletes, they think of over-rated softies like Mike Trout or Steph Curry.

Yet, the 2016 Dodgers are a break from this unfortunate trend. This iteration of the Dodgers is notable not for its superstars, but for its role-players. I've already profiled Rich Hill -- the team's unheralded ace -- here. Old Richard Hill will be toeing the rubber for the Trolley Dodgers in the pivotal win-or-go-home NLDS Game 5 in D.C. against the Washington Nationals. Rich Hill may not have Kobe Bryant's superstar status, but he's got more than enough dark-horse spirit for one city.

The NLDS is currently knotted at two games a piece. The winner of Thursday's match-up between Rich Hill and Max Scherzer will advance to NLCS to face that team of destiny from the North Side of Chicago. Thus far, the heroes of the Dodgers post-season have caught the sabermetric world by surprise. Clayton Kershaw has continued to stumble in the postseason, allowing 8 earned runs in 11.2 innings so far in the playoffs. Former phenom Yasiel Puig hasn't done much. NL Rookie of the Year front-runner Corey Seager has been a non-factor outside of a few 1st inning knocks.

Corey Seager would be the obvious MVP choice for the #Dodgers, but he needs to prove he can hit after the 1st inning. #NLDS

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) October 10, 2016

Corey Seager is 0-10 in the 2nd-9th inning this series. #NotClutch #Dodgers #NLDS

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) October 10, 2016

The Dodgers are not on the precipice of advancing to the NLCS because of the usual star-powered suspects. The Dodgers are, in my opinion, likely to advance to the NLCS because of two unsung heroes: Chase Utley and Joe Blanton. That's right folks: the best hope for the 2016 Dodgers is the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies.

The 2008 Phillies were a blue-collar team, unlike the business-casual/formal attire ethos of Los Angeles. Los Angeles is a city of Thai-fusion and deconstructed molecular gastronomy dishes. Philadelphia is a city where humble folks eat cheese-steaks out of tin pails on their lunch break.

You won't find this in LA, folks

Fortunately for the Dodgers, Utley and Blanton have brought a fierce sense of urgency to a Dodgers team that stands on the brink of October glory, but that also stands on the brink of elimination. Blanton, in particular, has all but single-handedly saved the Dodgers' bacon. He's the grittiest guy to come out of Pennsylvania since "middle-class Joe" Biden, and a key reason the Dodgers have been able to withstand the loss of clubhouse stalwart A.J. Ellis.

In total, Joe Blanton has pitched 3.2 scoreless innings so far in the NLDS. But his 0.00 post-season ERA doesn't tell the whole story: he's entered the game in crucial moments and kept the Nationals off the board. In Game 3, Blanton entered the game with the bases loaded, immediately after the shaky Dodgers bullpen blew a 5-2 lead. The game was knotted at 5-5. Allowing a run could mean watching Swaggy P sink meaningless buckets in Lakers' preseason games for the rest of October.

He was never touching that: https://t.co/7T91VFyWCv @TheHartford #PrevailingMoments pic.twitter.com/oRZlGCSD0Y

— MLB (@MLB) October 12, 2016

Blanton did not give in. He quietly recorded an out to escape the bases-loaded jam and then recorded 3 more outs for good measure, bridging the gap to LA's lock-down closer, Kenley Jansen. Blanton saved the Dodgers' season from spiraling out of control and notched a post-season W for his heroic effort. How did he get it done? Pinpoint command and a slippery slider nastier than Chinese food you forgot about and left in your car for a few days.

Blanton is the definition of a Most Valuable Player: without him, the Dodgers likely blow the lead in Game 1 and fail to rally in Game 3. Blanton's maestro relief-pitching efforts are the common thread running through the Dodgers' two victories in the NLDS so far. If they win the make-or-break Game 5 this Thursday, you can bet Blanton's sweaty fingerprints will be all over it.

Joe Blanton, the Dodgers' relief ace, likely won't receive much consideration for NLDS MVP, but he deserves it. Unfortunately they don't even give out an MVP award for the NLDS, folks. They should make one, and give it to Blanton.

Blanton isn't a man suited to the bright lights and flashing cameras. Being overlooked is nothing new to Mr. Blanton. He retired from baseball in 2014, turning his back on the game after ascending to its pinnacle with the Phillies team that won the World Series in 2008. He left baseball with a bitter taste in his mouth, posting a 2-14 record and 6.04 ERA with the Los Angeles Angels in 2013. After getting chewed up and spat out by baseball, Blanton has regained his elite status by sheer force of will. If the Los Angeles Dodgers win their first title since 1988 and regain some of the Brooklyn team's charm, you can sure as hell bet Big Game Blanton will have alot to do with it.