Wouldn't It Be Nice? How to Take the 2017 Dodgers to the Promised Land

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, let me tell you about a great American band, hailing from the great American city of Hawthorne, California. Three brothers, their cousin, and a childhood friend, all singing together in perfect harmony. Together they wrote the soundtrack of summer, filling the airwaves with songs of sunny beaches, gentle waves, beautiful girls, sleek cars and never-ending romances. Their vocal arrangements were angelic; with layers and layers of gorgeous, lush harmonies that blended the transcendence of a church choir with all-American rock-and-roll. Folks, if you grew up in the 1960s like I did, you knew that the greatest band in the world came from America, not England.

The ultimate downfall of the Beach Boys was their move away from what made them great. Instead of writing songs about drag-racing, surfing, and drive-in theaters like they did in the good old days, they started to get all "introspective." They began to use the devil's lettuce, and worse, acid. The happy-go-lucky sunshine pop of "California Girls" eventually gave way to the incomprehensible pretension of "Pet Sounds." Their music became too psychedelic for my taste, and their commercial success suffered as a result. But I'll never forget those innocent early days when they mixed barbershop-quartet harmonies with Chuck Berry-style rhythm-and-blues, giving voice to the hopes and anxieties of millions of teenagers around our great nation.

Folks, I can think of another Californian staple in need of a return to its roots: the Los Angeles Dodgers. It's simply stunning that the Dodgers have not managed to win a World Series over the past half-decade or so. The Dodgers have had every advantage. They've won their division four times in a row and get to beat up on the perennially pathetic Diamondbacks, Rockies, and Padres. They regularly have the league's highest payroll. They have the unquestioned greatest pitcher alive, Clayton Kershaw. They even have a supposed genius at the helm, Andrew Friedman (or Fraudman if you are inclined to be skeptical of sabermetrics like myself).

Yet, in spite of all these tailwinds, the Dodgers have not reached the promised land. Folks, here's how I'd reload the team for a run at the World Series in 2017:

1) SIGN MARK TRUMBO

Folks, it's no secret that the Dodgers suck against left handed pitching. You wouldn't believe it, folks. How bad was it? They were DEAD LAST in batting average vs LHP last season:

[source - via ESPN]

How can a team with a budget larger than most Latin American economies fail to find a few guys that can hit southpaws? This was a problem long in the making. A few seasons ago they traded away noted lefty masher Matt Kemp and never had a strategy for replacing his juicy production. The Dodgers could always just try to trade for Matt Kemp, but if they'd rather dip into the well of free agency, they can finally acquire a man to destroy left-handed pitching: Mark Trumbo. Mark Trumbo pummels lefties like Obama has pummeled our pocketbooks over the past 8 years with his sky-rocketing health insurance premiums and over-regulation of made-up liberal conspiracies like "anthropogenic climate change."

Mark Trumbo, who I firmly maintain should've been the AL MVP this past season, could be just the guy the Dodgers need to jump-start their offense. The Dodgers are in desperate need of right-handed power. The Dodgers hit 37 home-runs against lefties all last season; Mr. Trumbo hit 47 home-runs all by himself last season. Get it done, Fraudman.

(all 47 of Trumbo's dingers)

2) BRING BACK A.J. ELLIS

The turning point of the 2016 Dodgers season was the disastrous decision to trade A.J. Ellis, the emotional rock of the team. 

Ellis 'devastated' by trade to Phillies; shares a cry with 'shocked' Kershaw https://t.co/5rwloIerbX

— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) August 26, 2016

Trading away Kershaw's favorite catcher and telling him to "make do" with Yasmandi Grandal and Carlos Ruiz is a little like sending R2-D2 to the scrap-heap and telling Luke Skywalker to go pilot his X-Wing with some other random astromech droid. Folks, there's a lot more to being a good catcher than your Isolated Power (ISO) or pitch-framing metrics. It's about knowing the pitchers, being their friend, being their anchor, being their comfort in a cold, hard, and cruel game. The Dodgers are a better team with A.J. in the clubhouse and behind the plate. Bring him back, Fraudman.

3) LOCK DOWN THE 9TH INNING

Folks, in a perfect world the Dodgers would bring back Kenley Jansen. That should be their Plan A. Kenley was formidable in the playoffs, proving his mental toughness and fortitude. But what if the Cubs or the Nationals or somebody else go crazy and outbid the Dodgers for Jansen's services? Then things get more complicated. Plan B should be Fernando Rodney.

Folks, Rodney's talents have always been wasted in small markets like Seattle or Miami. It's time to put him under the LA spotlight. Rodney is fresh off of a bounce-back 2016 campaign where he posted a solid 3.44 ERA, 25 saves, and 74 Ks in 65.1 innings pitched. He is without a doubt the best closer in this crop of free agents: Rodney's 261 career saves easily bests Jansen (189), Aroldis Champan (182), and Mark Melancon (168). If the goal is to give skipper Dave Roberts a reliable guy to lock down the 9th inning, there is nobody more qualified than Rodney. Pay the man, Fraudman!

4) KEEP THE PHILADELPHIA BOYS TOGETHER

Folks, if A.J. Ellis was the heart and soul of the 2016 Dodgers, then Joe Blanton and Chase Utley are the team's dirty fingernails. What Blanton and Utley lack in youth they make up for tenfold in their sheer grit, perseverance, effort, and tenacity. Forged in the grease-fires of Philly, Blanton and Utley took the Phillies to the promised land back in 2008, and are just the type of player the Dodgers want to keep around if they're trying to reach the promised land in 2017.

I know there's lots of talk of the Dodgers trading for Ian Kinsler of the Detroit Tigers or Brian Dozier of the Minnesota Twins. But the asking price will be high, and the Dodgers would be loathe to whittle away their farm system when Utley is more than capable of being a competent second baseman. Give Utley a 4 years/$60 million contract and bring back Blanton no matter what the cost. The Dodgers might consider giving stalwart veterans Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard a phone call too. The 2008 Phillies knew how to win, yet the Dodgers have many green-in-the-gills young guns (Corey Seager, Julio Urias, etc.) who need veteran leadership. Make it so, Fraudman.

CONCLUSION

The Dodgers don't need to break the bank or drain the farm system for an ace like Chris Sale. If they make a move for any starting pitcher, it should be Zack Greinke. But I digress. The Dodgers are already a great team, a brotherhood of ball-players all in perfect harmony with one another. The Dodgers don't need a sabermetric revolution anymore than the Beach Boys needed to experiment with hallucinogens. If the Dodgers return to their roots in 2017 -- by doubling down on right-handed power, lock-down closers, and the 2008 Phillies -- there's no telling how much Fun, Fun, Fun they can have.

Boys to Men: The Julio Urias Story

Danville, Kentucky -- Times of hardship forge bonds of fellowship. Adversity can be a crucible, fashioning ties stronger than steel. In war, your fellow soldiers are your brothers. Crouching in a muddy foxhole as artillery thunders loudly inches from your prone, bloodied body, your companions are your only refuge.

So it is war, so it is in baseball. The Los Angeles Dodgers have not seen the foxholes of Belgium, but they are nonetheless a rag-tag band of brothers. The 2016 Dodgers perfectly embody America's "Melting Pot" ideal. The pure chemistry this team shows is enough to make you forget they have a $200+ million dollar payroll and are the subject of a Molly Knight book. The team is a veritable multicultural hodge podge of superstars and gritty role-players, gelling together as one seamless unit. Take a look at some of this team's impact players. There's Clayton Kershaw, Cy Young, ace, unquestioned leader, and emotional bedrock of team. Rich Hill, a 36 year-old journeyman and finesse-pitching maestro. Adrian Gonzalez, 34 year-old clutch-hitting slugger, who with each timely knock makes a case for being the Kirk Gibson of this year's Dodger team. Joe Blanton, 35 year-old comeback kid and relief ace. Kenta Maeda, a 28 year-old Japanese rookie. Yasiel Puig, Cuban superstar turned headcase turned superstar again after a trip to AAA Oklahoma City. Thanks to this melting pot of stars and scrubs, the Dodgers are doing what nobody thought they could: beating the Cubbies in the NLCS.

But folks, no player's contributions to this team have been more improbable than that of 20 year lefty Julio Urias of Culiacán, Mexico. He debuted at age 19 earlier in the 2016 season. He entered the 2016 postseason a boy: he left the pivotal Game 5 of the National League Divisional Series a man.

A boy became a man today. #Dodgers https://t.co/K5kRB4069K

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) October 14, 2016

I'll never again disparage Urias for his age. He's a man now. Reminds me of Upham killing Steamboat Willie in Saving Private Ryan. #Dodgers

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) October 14, 2016

In times of war, boys lose their innocence. They do things that go against the teachings of their Sunday school teacher and the bible. They experience a trial by fire, and endure or perish. Julio Urias had his trial by fire, and he came out stronger.

At age 20, I was unemployed and trying to make cash by stealing parts from cars parked outside the local movie theater at night. At age 20, Urias was putting his name on the wall alongside other October legends. Little Julio Urias was not young enough to legally drink the celebratory champagne being popped in the Dodgers clubhouse after defeating the Washington Nationals in NLDS Game 5, but nonetheless threw 2 gutsy shutout innings in that game en route to becoming the youngest pitcher in MLB history to earn a win in a postseason game.

In Game 4 of the National League Championship Series, young Julio Urias will meet his mirror opposite: grisly postseason stalwart John Lackey of the Chicago Cubs. At age 37, Lackey already has two World Series titles to his name in addition to expansive postseason experience. Julio Urias hits mid to upper nineties with an electric fastball; Lackey usually sits in the low nineties with excellent command, unafraid to pitch to contact with the flashy Cubs defense behind him. Urias has an unassuming, boyish look about him, standing 6′ 0″ tall. John Lackey stands 6′ 6″ tall and resembles a crazed, murderous woodsman that you might encounter in a horror movie.

John Lackey: a perfect foil to Julio Urias

It would be easy to pick the Cubs to win this game. John Lackey has come up big in October time in and time out. Julio has pitched a total of two postseason innings in his nascent career. But the kid learns fast. In his first game against the Cubs on June 2nd, Julio went 5 innings and gave up 5 runs, including 3 home runs. In his next start against the Cubbies on August 27th, he went 6 innings and allowed 1 run. But here's the catch, folks: he was a boy then, and he's a man now. Nobody would blame you for penciling in a Cubs win when a 37 year-old bear of a veteran gets to face off against a 20 year-old rookie. But this isn't any 20 year-old: he's already pitched in higher leverage spots than some men ever will. I believe in the American melting pot experiment. I believe in Julio Urias.

Rich Hill: LA's Last Best Hope

Danville, Kentucky -- In his 1949 treatise titled The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell forwarded the concept of the monomyth. In Campbell's estimation, all human storytelling follows a universal narrative. An every-man hero abandons his mundane, familiar lifestyle to embark on a mysterious and dangerous adventure. Eventually, the hero discovers within himself strength and might beyond his imagination, culminating in the ultimate defeat of his nemesis.

But every hero requires a mentor: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Gandalf, Doc Brown, Optimus Prime, or the biblical John the Baptist. Baseball teams hungry for postseason glory are no different. Show me a World Series champion, and I'll show you a wizened, grisly old veteran who taught the team how to rub dirt on their wounds and never stop fighting. Just take a look at the rosters of the past three World Series Champions. The 2013 Boston Red Sox had David Ortiz, John Lackey, and Jake Peavy as its emotional anchors. The 2014 San Francisco Giants had the aging finesse pitcher Tim Hudson, and also Jake Peavy. The 2015 World Series Champion Kansas City Royals™ didn't have Jake Peavy, but they did have the towering Chris Young and consummately professional Ryan Madson.

Folks, Rich Hill can be the Los Angeles Dodgers' Jake Peavy.

In this Danville man's expert opinion, a showdown between the Dodgers and Chicago Cubs in the National League Championship Series is looking increasingly likely. The over-hyped Bryce Harper has been in hibernation for several months, clearing a path for the Dodgers to defeat the Washington Nationals. Meanwhile, the Cubs hold a commanding 2-0 series lead in the NLDS over the seemingly un-killable Giants. Don't count out the Giants until their pulse is gone and the corpse has gone into rigor mortis, but I like the Cubs' chances to win that series too. The real question is: do the Dodgers have the veteran presence of mind to get past this historically excellent Cubs team?

I know nerds are getting hot and bothered about the Cubs. They're the odds-on favorites to win it all this October and ride back to the North-Side of Chicago atop a celebratory parade. Nate Silver and company, the folks who have continually bungled 2016 presidential election forecasts, have all but crowned the Cubs as World Series champs.

 We've all seen the saberphiles drool about their run differential.

ICYMI: that cubs run differential... pic.twitter.com/86KbmTNMtv

— Ben Dilday (@BenDilday) October 5, 2016

But don't sleep on the Dodgers. The Cubbies may have David Ross and Ben Zobrist to provide veteran leadership; but don't underestimate what sagacious slugger Adrian Gonzalez brings to the table for the Trolley Dodgers, especially when combined with the supernatural phenom talent of ace Clayton Kershaw.

The Dodgers' true ace-in-the-hole is Rich Hill, a 36-year old left-handed pitcher who is craftier than the lawyers who keep getting Hillary Clinton acquitted for manslaughter and purgery. Rich Hill seemed to be destined for the glue factory after hitting free agency last off-season, consigned to irrelevance like the Randy Wolfs of the world. But then he did something that the spreadsheet gazers didn't expect: he had a career season with the Oakland Athletics, pitching like some sort of 'Clayton Kershaw-lite' when he wasn't battling blisters and other random health issues. After being snubbed by most MLB teams last offseason, Hill is now poised to make bank when he hits free agency this offseason, especially in a market mostly devoid of good pitchers.

Now, 'Clayton Kershaw-lite' and the real Clayton Kershaw have an opportunity to lead the Dodgers to their first championship since the heroic Kirk Gibson wore Dodger blue. A 1-2 punch of lefties Kershaw and Hill can match anybody in the league.

Old Richard Hill doesn't overpower hitters; he has what old-school scouts would call a 'Bugs Bunny' curveball that loops and droops across the strike-zone as if he's pulling it with a string. Velocity alone doesn't get it done in the postseason. You need grit, skill, and wiliness, like Mr. Hill has.

Rich has been around the block: been there, done that. He's played on the East Coast with the Red Sox, and on the West Coast with Billy Beane's team. He's peed on his blisters, like all men of a certain age eventually do. And at age 36, he isn't getting any younger. He wants a ring, and he wants it now. Clayton Kershaw, a mythic hero in the Campbellian sense, may be the team's spiritual leader. But to accomplish his mission and discover his own inner powers he will need a mentor, just like Luke Skywalker and Marty McFly did. Kershaw needs Rich Hill. The Dodgers need Rich Hill. He's their only hope.

Replacing the Irreplaceable: Why Bud Norris Is A Hero

Danville, Kentucky - How does one replace that which is irreplaceable? It is a question, by nature rhetorical, that has been screamed into the void by many disciples and foot-soldiers following the departure of a respected leader. It is a question that the irascible New Englander and former Vice President John Adams asked himself upon succeeding George Washington as the young American republic's President in 1796. George Washington, the father of this great country, shepherded the nascent nation through many trials and tribulations. General Washington was a larger than life figure, who steadfastly guided America through both bitter defeat at the Battle of Long Island and joyous triumphs at Saratoga and Yorktown. The General's steely resolve and cool demeanor secured the Jay Treaty of 1974; he was truly "first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen."

The General

Enter John Adams - the man tasked with replacing the young nation's quasi-divine paternal figure. Washington stood tall and proud, a decorated military hero; Adams was Danny DeVito-like in stature and temperament. How could any man hope to succeed General Washington? How does one replace that which is irreplaceable?

Adams and Bud Norris: Kindred Spirits

It is a question that Bud Norris, a former member of the Atlanta Braves recently acquired by the Los Angeles Dodgers, will ask himself this holiday weekend. Bud was acquired by a pitching-starved Dodgers organization reeling from the news that superhuman ace Clayton Kershaw would be heading to the disabled list. The Dodgers rotation is a shadow of its former glory without Clayton, the only winner of 10 or more games on the staff this season. Kenta Maeda has been a revelation, but remains fragile and injury-prone. Scott Kazmir sports a 7-5 win/loss record but has failed to eat innings, having gone more than 6 innings only twice so far this season. Alex Wood is on the disabled list as well. Young Julio Urias may yet be the salvation of the Dodgers franchise, but at age 19, he cannot be asked to anchor the rotation, just as it was irresponsible of John Adams Sr. to send 14 year old John Quincy Adams on a diplomatic envoy to St. Petersburg.

Young John Quincy

As Bud Norris prepares to take the mound against the Baltimore Orioles - one of his former teams - this Wednesday, he will privately acknowledge that he cannot hope to replace Kershaw; a Cy Young winner and lock for 20+ wins every season. Nobody expects Bud to replace the irreplaceable Clayton Kershaw. Surely Bud is aware of how little faith in him the Dodger fanbase has.

Come on Bud Norris guy. 6 innings are not enough to earn good american dollars.

— Juan Cisneros (@JCisneros413) July 2, 2016

On top of it all, Bud Norris is Clayton Kershaw's replacement. LA sucks.

— Beau Wright (@LeftbutWright35) June 30, 2016

Bud Norris sucks at baseball. I wouldn't trade a '94 playboy for him. #FatLoser

— Mr. Compassion (@trashman_23) June 30, 2016

@OccupyDodgers Mr Fraudman , and I ask this sincerely , why ? He looks like Mat Latos type . Only hope is to recreate 2014. Ship sailed ?

— Bill Patton (@wpatton3) June 30, 2016

John Adams was hailed with a similar hail of insults when he assumed the office of Presidency. In October of 1800, Treasure Secretary Alexander Hamilton wrote a public letter slamming President Adams as egotistical, jealous, vane, and unfit to represent the Federalist Party. Bud will react as President Adams did to these insults; by putting his head down and doing his job.

I rarely agree with roster moves made by Andrew Fraudman, sabermetric saboteur of the Tampa Bay Rays and now the Los Angeles Dodgers. But the acquisition of Bud Norris must be applauded. Bud is a winner, having guided the Orioles to postseason success in 2014. The triumphant return of Clayton Kershaw remains pivotal to the World Series hopes of the Dodgers. Yet, every winning team requires role-players to complement the talents of other-worldly heroes like General Washington. Kershaw and Washington are both fearless and indispensable leaders. Just as America learned to survive in the absence of President Washington's steady leadership, the Dodgers must learn to win without their ace. On this 4th of July, let us not forget the irreplaceable contributions of unsung heroes like John Adams and Bud Norris.

@Ken_Rosenthal big vet arm. They won't miss Clayton much with Bud on board.

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) June 30, 2016