The Only World Baseball Classic Preview You'll Need - Part II

Danville, Kentucky -- Welcome to Part II of my power rankings of all 16 World Baseball Classic teams. You can read part one here. I'll cut to the chase, folks. These are the bottom eight teams. Some are worse than others. All are worse than America. Without further ado, here they are:

9. Korea

Korea has an exciting team, folks -- and not just because these players were born and raised in the shadow of a nuclear-armed madman. Although doubts remain as to whether North Korea has ICBM technology capable of striking the mainland United States, there can be no doubt that the Korean national team is stacked with power. Korea has one of my favorite players in the whole world, folks: Dae-ho Lee, native of Busan, South Korea and former Seattle Mariner. Dae-ho showed some real pop last year with the Mariners, hitting 14 bombs with 49 runs driven in.

But the real reason to love Mr. Lee is his demeanor. He's always smiling; as a Mariner, he was truly a ray of sunshine in an otherwise perpetually overcast and grungy city. He's a jolly, rotund fellow, evoking a simpler era of baseball when sluggers like Babe Ruth crushed hot dogs in between innings in the dugout. I dare you to look at this man and not feel a warm, tingly sensation deep in your heart.

More importantly, he made his homeland proud, becoming an ambassador of the game and hero to Koreans everywhere. Thanks to Dae-ho, we have some of the greatest home run calls of all time.

(skip to 50 seconds)

Dae-ho represents everything that is great about the game of baseball. It breaks my heart that he has left the MLB and announced his intention to return to Korea's league. But I have to respect the man for loving his country. The fact that the Korean team also has Seung-hwan Oh -- aka the "final boss" -- is just a cherry on top. This Korean team could go places.

 10. Colombia

Don't sleep on Colombia, folks. Not that Colombia's amphetamine snorting population does much sleeping anyway thanks to abundant supply of narcotics. Colombia lacks the position player talent of the teams ranked higher than them here, but they can pitch. Although they often fly under the national radar, Colombians Jose Quintana and Julio Teheran are two of the most quietly brilliant pitchers in the MLB. I'll also be playing close attention to Colombia's Dilson Herrera, one of the prospects my Reds acquired in the foolish Jay Bruce trade.

But the real guy to watch on this squad is Yohan Pino, or as I like to call him, "Pino Noir," because his slider has more depth than the bitter notes of a fine red wine. Mr. Pino was an unsung hero in the Royals 2015 World Series championship. Yes, I know he got put on waivers mid-season. But before that he had an impressive 3.26 ERA and several excellent high-leverage appearances. Like Bernie Sanders after the DNC conspired against him, Pino spent 2016 watching all the action from the sidelines. But he recently signed a minor league deal with the Twins. I think he could go places. During the World Baseball Classic, we'll find out if he can. Because of their strong pitching -- led by Quintana, Teheran, and Pino -- this Colombia team has sneaky upside.

11. Japan

I'm not very high on Japan's team, but I'm obliged to mention that Japan's own Nori Aoki, Kansas City Royal turned San Francisco Giant turned Seattle Mariner turned Houston Astro, is a hell of a player. He's a world class talent. I love his swing. He won't hit for much power. But he can slap the ball all across the field and boasts a career .286 batting average in the MLB. It's a joy to watch him play. In an era where the nerds have decided that strikeouts don't matter and that batting average is irrelevant, Nori shows how valuable it is to have a guy that can put the ball in play. 

That being said, I'm down on Japan. The rest of the team outside of Aoki isn't particularly interesting. And as a country, Japan is adrift. Several weeks ago, Japanese Prime Minister Abe looked out of his element with a real leader like Trump.

The World Baseball Classic is about the talent on the field, but it's also about the intangibles, like the national mood of each respective country. With Japan's precious TPP trade deal recently killed by Trump, momentum is definitely against Japan. It's not happening for Japan this year.

12. Netherlands

On the surface, the Netherlands has quite a bit of talent. Although most of the team has names like "Stuifbergen," "van den Hurk," "Heijstek," or "Thijssen," the discerning baseball fan might notice a few big names. Xander Bogaerts, Didi Gregorius, Andrelton Simmons and Kenley Jansen all apparently play for the Netherlands. But I'm not buying it. To illustrate why, let me point you to a map.

Yes, that's the Netherlands right next to Merkel's Germany and right across the European-body-of-water-I-learned-in-high-school-but-can't-remember from the lawless crime-hole Sweden. European social democracy has been a failure. The Netherlands national baseball team will be too. Next.

13. Canada

Canada is a team so pathetic they couldn't even persuade Joey Votto to take some time away from meaningless spring training games to stand around with a bat on his shoulder and try to draw walks on behalf of his country. Don't get me wrong. Canada has some interesting players. Like Braves slugger Freddie Freeman. Or 2006 AL MVP Justin Morneau. There's also the intriguingly named Blue Jays outfielder Dalton Pompey. But this is Canada, folks. A country that's perpetually second fiddle to the U.S.A. Not happening.

14. China

To be honest, I know absolutely nothing about China's team. I think the Chinese Communist Party has more or less suppressed all information about their national team, which is par for the course with this authoritarian nightmare of a country that stifles freedom of expression and the open exchange of ideas. I'll still put them ahead of Mexico and Australia because of China's sheer ruthlessness. 

15. Mexico

Mexico has some real gems on their team. Like Joakim Soria, the Royals' designated 8th inning guy and one of the best free agent signings Dayton Moore has ever made. There's also Sergio Romo, the scary-as-hell looking guy who recorded the final outs of the 2012 World Series for the Giants and for some reason got signed by the Dodgers. Did I mention that team Mexico has a lot Dodgers? Also on Mexico's team is the left-handed wunderkind Julio Urias and hitting guru Adrian Gonzalez of the Los Angeles Dodgers. But it's just not Mexico's year. Not with The Wall on the way, along with punitive tariffs aimed at bringing back manufacturing jobs that Mexico stole via NAFTA. Next.

16. Australia

Australia occupies the last place spot in my power rankings. Look, I love Outback Steakhouse as much as the next guy. In fact, I've praised Outback's excellent Australian cuisine in glowing terms not once, but twice. This team has some pieces I like. Peter Moylan, the bespectacled ex-Royal with a slider juicier than Outback's QUEENSLAND CHICKEN & SHRIMP PASTA™, plays on this team. He had a 2-0 record and a 3.43 ERA last year with the Royals.

There is some fight in this team. Literally. Aussie Warwick Saupold of the Detroit Tigers organization got in a brawl last summer. We can assume this fight started when another bar-goer made an insensitive joke about Steve Irwin. 

Warwick Saupold pleads no contest to charge stemming from bar fight https://t.co/TnThtPmtVo pic.twitter.com/Y7BFb94sTa

— Evan Woodbery (@evanwoodbery) September 13, 2016

But outside of Moylan and Saupold, things are looking bleak for Australia in my opinion. Countries that get on Donald Trump's bad side won't be long for this world, folks. The folks down under may serve Bloomin' Onions with the best of them, but they're bad allies and even worse at baseball outside of a few exemplars like Moylan. They're dead last, barring a miraculous effort to make amends with President Trump from Prime Minister Turnbull or a major splash like an official sponsorship from Outback.

CONCLUSION

There you have it folks. All 16 teams. Or rather, America and 15 losers. Enjoy the WBC, folks.

A Reds Fan's Christmas List

Danville, Kentucky -- Sometimes, it's hard to criticize those you love. Pete Rose won my heart with his reckless slides, lunch-pail mentality, and gritty home-plate collisions. I'm a huge fan of Pete Rose, so I'm willing to overlook his questionable gambling decisions. I'm a big fan of chicken tenders and onion rings, so I'm willing to overlook that my unhealthy intake of cholesterol is slowly killing me.

Folks, I'm a life-long Cincinnati Reds fan. It's easy for me to play armchair General Manager and give advice to the Dallas Cowboys, Detroit Tigers, Kansas City Royals, and Los Angeles Dodgers from the comfort of my favorite booth in my local Chilis. I don't care about their players like I care about my own team. But it's much harder to criticize the Reds, a team that has taken me to both euphoric heights and melancholic lows. I want to believe in my heart of hearts that Dick Williams, the Reds' new GM and successor to Walt Jocketty, understands the strengths and weaknesses of this Reds team well enough to make well-informed and competent decisions, but my faith has been shaken by the gross mismanagement of this once-proud franchise in recent years.

The Reds need a new direction. On their current trajectory it may take a decade for them to compete for the NL Central crown again. There's no sign of the Chicago Cubs' reign of terror ending any time soon. The cheaters from St. Louis have made some saavy moves this offseason, and with Cardinals Devil Magic™ on their side it is likely that any remaining roster holes will be filled by anonymous farmhands that unexpectedly become All Stars, à la Aledmys Diaz. This confluence of factors could leave the Reds locked in the basement unless radical changes are made.

This Christmas, I don't want a Playstation, a new Baseball Prospectus, Applebee's gift-cards, John Wayne DVDs, or expensive liquor. All I want is for the Reds to win again. Luckily, I know exactly what needs to be done to right the Reds' ship and restore glory to this franchise. My strategy might be bitter medicine or a difficult pill to swallow -- I for one routinely ignore warnings from my doctor that I should take my anti-cholesterol medication -- but it's absolutely what's needed to make the franchise competitive again.

Here's this Reds fan's Christmas wishlist:

1) A Trade That Sends Joey Votto to the Toronto Blue Jays

Folks, as someone who loved every minute of Joey Votto's 2010 MVP campaign, I feel totally comfortable saying that it is time to cut ties with him. Joey looks like he's fed up with the situation in Cincinnati; you can tell by the sullen look in his eyes that he's lost the passion he once had for the Redlegs and Great American Ballpark. Votto's contract has become an albatross -- his $225 million contract won't expire until 2023, well into President Trump's second term. Votto has become a one dimensional player: good at clogging the bases with his "plate discipline" and "OBP" but not the dynamic offensive player the Reds need.

It's time to send Joey across the border to his Canadian homeland. The Toronto Blue Jays are a perfect trade partner for the Reds. Bringing Toronto native Joey Votto home would be the most exciting thing to happen to Canada since the blockbuster R.A. Dickey trade. In addition, the Blue Jays will be in dire need of a slugger like Votto given that Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion are likely to depart Toronto and sign elsewhere. Fortunately, the Blue Jays have some players that could help the Reds compete in the short term as well. The Reds should start by asking for Troy Tulowitzki, Francisco Liriano, and Jason Grilli in return.

Tulo -- a two-time gold-glover and perhaps the most sublime defensive shortstop in the MLB since Derek Jeter -- would solidify the Reds' shortstop position for years to come. In the meantime, infielders Zack Cozart and Eugenio Suarez could be converted to play first-base and third-base, giving the Reds sterling defenders around the diamond. It's a match made in heaven.

Francisco Liriano would give the Reds the starting pitching depth they desperately need. It's been no secret that the Reds rotation has been a bigger disaster than a Chipotle restroom since the misguided Johnny Cueto trade and the departure of Mat Latos. The Reds had a historically abysmal pitching staff last year. They even set a record for the most homers allowed in a single season. Only three starting pitchers threw more than 100 innings for the Reds, while only two threw more than 150 innings. That's a recipe for overworking an already soft bullpen. Fortunately, Liriano has thrown more than 160 innings in the past four seasons while posting a good ERA as well. Franky Liriano was a 16-game winner as recently as 2013. He'd easily plug into the top of the rotation and bring respectability back to the Reds' pitching staff.

Jason Grilli would instantly improve the horrific Reds bullpen. In 2015, Grilli amassed 24 saves with the Atlanta Braves; the Reds have had absolutely no stability in the closer role since they foolishly traded Aroldis Chapman to the New York Yankees in the biggest ripoff since the Corrupt Bargain of 1824. He'd be the cherry on top of what is already a great deal for the Reds. Do it, Tricky Dick Williams!

2) The Return of Jay Bruce

The Reds offense just didn't look the same after the New York Mets fleeced Cincinnati for Jay Bruce last season. They stranded so many runners in scoring position, mostly because of Votto's phobia of putting the ball in play. Folks, it's hard to score runs with men on second or third when Joey Votto only cares about drawing walks and getting to first base. It breaks my failing, decrepit heart to know that not all of Jay Bruce's 33 HRs and 99 RBIs in 2016 came in a Cincinnati uniform. Some analysts have suggested that the Mets might make Jay Bruce available. For the right price, the Reds should absolutely be in on him.

3) Joey Bats

Free agent dinger-machine Jose Bautista would not only give the Reds a formidable middle-of-the-order bat; he'd give the Redlegs what they need most: swagger. Folks, this Reds team had no personality last season. There's plenty of blame to go around for their 94-loss 2016 campaign, but let's not forget the lack of fire that the Reds showed sometimes. Joey Bats is the perfect guy to light a fire under this Reds team. He plays with gusto. Just imagine 42,000 screaming Reds fans on their feet after a titanic 450-foot no-doubt moonshot from Mr. Bautista. No team wins without a little attitude. For his star-power alone, the Reds must secure Bautista for 6 years and $150 million. Get it done, Dick.

4) Catcher Insurance

Folks, catcher Devin Mesoraco used to be one of my favorite Reds. I remember watching all 25 of his dingers in 2014. Devin might've been the best catcher in the NL Central not named Yadier Molina, but he's been perennially injured since then. The Reds need some insurance in the event that he is injured for an extended amount of time in 2017. The Reds could attempt to lure grandpa David Ross out of retirement; that would give the Reds privileged insights into the inner workings of the World Champion Chicago Cubs rotation. But the obvious solution is to bring Brayan Pena back, who was recently DFA'd by the Cardinals. Brayan had great chemistry with all our pitchers, and was a fan favorite during his tenure in Cincy. The Reds should have never let the emotional rock of their team go to their divisional rivals. I dare you to read Pena's tear-jerking expose on his defection from Cuba and tell me the Reds shouldn't sign him. Right this wrong, Mr. Williams.

5) Big Pasta

One of the only good moves the Reds made last offseason was bringing back Alfredo Simon to shore up the rotation. Unfortunately, the move didn't pay off exactly how the Reds wanted it to. Simon started only 11 games and pitched only 58.2 innings, thanks to injuries. It was a low risk move: Simon was only signed to a 1 year, $2 million contract. It's time to for the Reds to get a second helping of Pasta. Sign him to another 1 year deal. The last time Pasta was healthy, he won 15 games with the Reds in 2014 and 13 games with the Tigers in 2015. Pasta is only a couple years removed from being an All Star with the Reds.

When healthy, Pasta's eephus is meaner than Dick Cheney on a hunting trip.

What do the Reds have to lose by signing him? If he stays healthy and things go right, he has the floor of a back-end innings-eater and an All Star ceiling. It's a no-brainer.

CONCLUSION

The Reds are not as helpless as the biased mainstream baseball media would have you believe. Ken Rosenthal and the gang have already penciled the Cubbies in for another World Series victory, but with an aggressive offseason the Reds could put themselves right in the thick of things in the NL Central. Dick Williams can never undo the cataclysmic decisions to trade Cueto and Chapman, but he can restore a winning culture by bringing bonafide, proven major league talent back to Cincinnati.

The time for rebuilding is over. The Reds already have young stars like Billy Hamilton, Brandon Finnegan, and Eugenio Suarez to lead the team into the future. It's time to cut the dead-weight like Votto and give Cincy's young-guns a real supporting cast of productive veterans like Joey Bats and Tulo.

Every year at Christmas, Americans face a choice. They can take the easy way out and get their loved ones a candle or an Amazon gift card. Or they can go big. Reds General Manager Dick Williams faces a similar choice. 2016 could be another year of irrelevance for the Reds, another year of "trusting the process" and tanking. Or 2016 could be the year where the Reds push all their chips to the center and try to take the mighty Cubs head on. I know which one I'd rather unwrap on Christmas morning. Give Cincinnati the gift of winning, Mr. Williams.