Sunday, October 23, 2016

Filling Out President Trump's Cabinet

Danville, Kentucky -- With a Trump presidency looking increasingly inevitable, it's time to turn our attention to how Donald will govern once he is sworn in. Trump has a lot on his plate if he really wants to Make America Great Again. He's got to drain the swamp, and expunge the corrupt bureaucrats out of Washington. He's got to build the wall. He's got to grow the economy. He's got to get to the bottom of who killed JFK. Before he can do any of these things, he's got to fill out his cabinet. My cabinet is full of cheap whiskey and painkillers, but Donald's cabinet is much more important than mine. Donald can't afford to let career politicians take these posts. We need outsiders to shake up the corrupt status quo. Here are the people Trump should appoint to head the 15 executive departments:

Secretary of State -- Dennis Rodman

America has been losing on foreign policy for so long, folks. China is beating us. Russia is beating us. ISIS is beating us. America doesn't even win at the Olympics anymore.  The judges rigged a disqualification on the 4x100 relay team like Hillary is trying to rig this election.  An honest beer drinking woman like Hope Solo can't overcome a socialist country like Sweden while playing at Rio. We need to put a winner in charge of American diplomacy: not a wet-noodle loser like John Kerry, who has been the Secretary of State since Crooked Hillary vacated the post. One man has the necessary temperament and qualifications to put American diplomacy back on the winning track: Dennis Rodman, 5-time NBA champion and expert statesman.

Rodman is not only a winner, he has extensive diplomatic experience. The man single-handledly turned around America's disastrous relationship with the eccentric North Korean strongman Kim Jong Un. Liberal Hollywood tried to torpedo our diplomatic relationship with North Korea by releasing unfunny Seth Rogen's movie, The Interview. Luckily, Rodman used his excellent working relationship with the Kim regime to avert a second Korean war. Folks, we need to put Dennis in charge of US foreign policy writ large.

Secretary of Treasury -- Steve Forbes

For the Secretary of the Treasury, former presidential candidate Steve Forbes would be an ideal choice.  He wanted to simplify our tax code and he’d be great at simplifying how we regulate banks.  If you know the difference between a derivative and Fielding Independent Pitching, then you can go along with the nerds on the Clinton Express, but real Americans want simple.  I know you’ll say I’m going too Hollywood with Forbes, after all, he was excellent as the main vampire in The Lost Boys, but Forbes has the business chops to do the job.

Secretary of Defense -- Bobby Knight

Bobby Knight is one of the most qualified people on this list. Folks, eight years of Obama has absolutely hollowed out our nation's military. We're practically defenseless. Even though Obama called ISIS "the JV team," we're still getting our behinds kicked. I know one man who would never tolerate losing to a JV team. A man who knows a thing or two about defense. Bobby Knight.

While head coach of the Indiana Hoosiers college basketball team, he won 3 NCAA championships, 11 Big 10 titles, and was the Coach of the Year in 1987. Most importantly, Coach Knight knows a thing or two about defense. He coached some of the nastiest defenses in college hoops history, known for the tenacious man-to-man defense that his kids would play. We need a guy like Bobby in charge of our military if America is going to be great again and beat JV teams like ISIS.

Bobby didn't tolerate bullshit from his players. He won't tolerate bullshit from America's enemies either.

Attorney General -- Chris Christie 

Chris Christie, the man who coined the chant "Lock Her Up!" is one of the brightest legal minds of our generation. Under Attorney General Chris Christie we will finally be able to prosecute Crooked Hillary and bring justice back to our country.

Secretary of Interior -- Charles Barkley 

Chuck Barkley, one of the greatest power forwards in NBA history, is a man known for his strong belief in conservative principles. He also played ferocious interior defense on the basketball court. This is a perfect fit.

Secretary of Agriculture -- Buck Farmer

Buck Farmer, 25 year old right handed relief pitcher for the Detroit Tigers, is a good old Georgia boy who knows a thing or two about country-living and our nation's farms. On days where he is not required to throw 95 mile per hour gas out of Detroit's bullpen, Trump should consult him extensively on how to fix America's agricultural sector, which has suffered under the reign of urban elitist Obama. To fix America's farms, we need a Farmer in charge.

Secretary of Commerce -- Sean Hannity

Mr. Hannity -- the face of America's biggest cable news network, and host of one of America's most successful shows -- is exactly the man to turn America's broken economy around and help small businesses. Hannity has already been advising the Trump campaign; he'll be perfectly willing and able to advise Trump on economic issues once he's president.

Secretary of Labor -- Rick Snyder

Wildly successful Michigan governor Rick Snyder is the natural choice for the Secretary of Labor under the Trump presidency.  Ignore the media's shrieking about how he poisoned Flint, Michigan.  My Uncle Bert would tell you that anyone who lives in Flint hasn’t been drinking the water for years since GM closed the plants from NAFTA outsourcing. Snyder was bold in the face of rowdy union members who destroyed property and a delicious hot dog stand when they were given the freedom to opt out of their unions.

Don’t get me wrong, union jobs helped build this nation, Rick Snyder only wanted workers to be free to support them how they liked.  If a union supported a candidate in favor of the TPP, then it can only be a good thing to be able to earn the benefits of a union contract without supporting the candidates that want to slit their throats.

Secretary of Health and Human Services -- Guy Fieri

America has been getting absolutely strangled by anti-business regulations emanating from Washington. Government has to get out of the way and let entrepreneurs breath. The man to do the job is Guy Fieri, food network superstar and health expert. Guy is a man of discerning taste. He'll help Trump identify the banging eats that can fix America's health problems.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development -- Aaron Carter

Folks, I know that pop-singing sensation Aaron Carter withdrew his endorsement of Trump. Trump might need to make a sales pitch to this kid or cut a deal with him to get him on board. But make no mistake, America needs Aaron Carter right now. Home ownership is at an all time low. Aaron can help fix that. Aaron threw a hell of a house party in the hit single "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)" back in 2000. Aaron fixed his parents' house up after his friends wrecked it in the aforementioned house party. Donald Trump, real estate guru, and Aaron are just the team to fix the housing market.

Secretary of Transportation -- Bill Mitchell

Bill Mitchell, outspoken pro-Trump twitter personality, knows all about transportation. He's been conducting the #TrumpTrain for months now! Look for Secretary of Transportation Mitchell to use his advanced knowledge of analytics and data to modernize America's outdated public transportation systems.

Secretary of Energy -- Sarah Palin

Folks, Obama's "none-of-the-above" energy policy is absolutely crushing our economy. He gave us Solyndra. He gave us EPA overreach. All in the name of fighting climate change, which we know is a hoax invented by the Chinese. Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin will bring sanity back to US energy policy. Drill baby drill!

Secretary of Education -- Donald Trump Jr.

Folks, I'm tempted to say Trump doesn't even need a Secretary of Education. Trump has plenty of experience in education. This is the man who brought us Trump University. If he absolutely has to make an appointment, Donald Trump Jr. should be up to the job. Serving as Secretary of Education will also give Trump Jr. something nice to put on his resume when he runs for POTUS in 2024.

Secretary of Veteran Affairs -- Patricia Smith [Benghazi Mom]

Illegal immigrants receive better treatment than veterans these days. The Obama-Clinton regime has criminally neglected our country's veterans. In the interest of ensuring that America never forgets the treachery committed by Obama and Clinton at Benghazi, President Trump must appoint a Benghazi Mom to protect our country's veterans.

Secretary of Homeland Security -- Julian Assange

Julian Assange -- he of Wikileaks fame -- should be entrusted to run America's national security bureaucracy, assuming the Clinton crime syndicate hasn't assassinated him already. Julian has spent his adult life fighting America's military industrial complex. As Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, he can tear down America's murderous war machine from within.

Surgeon General -- Ben Carson

Folks, in a different election cycle Dr. Carson could've been President. The man is immaculately serene, well-mannered, and wistful. He'll end the federal government's wasteful war on vaping and cigarettes, restoring every American's autonomy over their own body. Ben Carson is proof that even an Average Joe can be a brain surgeon. This decision is, pardon my pun, a no-brainer.


Trump has his work cut out for him. The US government's agencies have become more bloated than ever with corruption, inefficiency, and professional pencil-pushers. Trump needs to appoint folks who can get things done. Folks who know how to win. Abraham Lincoln was famous for making a cabinet designed to be a "team of rivals." The Trump cabinet I have proposed is full of rivals: Barkley and Rodman, for instance, were heated adversaries on the basketball court. More importantly, Trump's cabinet will be a team of winners. With Trump at the helm, this cabinet could Make America Govern Again.