Buffalo Blues: TWTW's Browns vs. Bills Preview

Danville, Kentucky -- On the eastern shores of Lake Erie, north of Pittsburgh and west of The City That Never Sleeps, lies a fateful city that never gives up. Buffalo, New York, tidily snugged into the state's westernmost corner, didn't give up in 1813 when the treacherous British army pillaged and razed the city in what came to be known as the Battle of Black Rock. As part of their larger campaign against the young American republic during the War of 1812, the British cruelly plundered and dispossessed the good people of Buffalo. But Buffalo didn't back down. Those Erie-dwellers, living in the shadow of the majestic Niagara Falls, picked up the pieces and rebuilt their city, transforming it into a shining center of commerce and trade in 19th century America.

Did the people of Buffalo sit around and feel sorry for themselves when President William McKinley was murdered in their city in 1901?

No: they put their heads down, got back to work, and rallied behind a great leader and huntsman, Teddy Roosevelt. Buffalo did all this and more. They became a center of manufacturing in the 20th century prior to the great de-industrialization of NAFTA. They gave our nation the Buffalo Wing, the single greatest culinary creation in the history of human civilization.

They also gave us the Buffalo Bills of 1990-1993, the runners-up in Super Bowls XXV, XXVI, XXVII, XXVIII. Wow, I hope I never have to use that many roman numerals again, unless I'm talking about Star Wars. You have to be pretty, pretty good to appear in four straight Super Bowls. And indeed, the Bills beat legends like John Elway, Dan Marino and Joe Montana en route to their Super Bowl appearances. You can't fake that. Yet to many Americans, the Bills are all but forgotten or a laughing stock. That's an insult to this storied franchise and its loyal fans.

Folks, I'm a Danville man not a Buffalo man, but I remember where I was during Buffalo's Silver Era of football. It was January of 1991, just a few months shy of 90 years since McKinley's grisly demise. Earlier that winter I decided to make a pilgrimage to the Allegheny mountains of Pennsylvania, taking only my truck and my trusty basset hound, Barry Goldwater. I hoped to discover the natural beauty of this region and hopefully discover some things about myself as well, as I was still reeling from an acrimonious divorce a few months prior.

the Allegheny Mountains, folks.

Barry and I ended up making our pilgrimage something of a semi-permanent relocation. I got a job plowing snow in nearby Olean, New York, a sleepy town some 74 miles from Buffalo.

I fell in love with the sights and scenery of the Allegheny region, and of course, the buffalo wings. Plowing snow was rewarding work. Sitting atop a plow gave me a feeling of might and omnipotence. Behind the wheel of a snow plow, I could feel power flowing through my fingertips as I effortlessly cleared the streets of white, fluffy tufts of sparkling white snow and occasionally knocked over a garbage can or two for fun. The best thing about being a snow-plower in Olean was that there was never a shortage of work in America's snowiest city south of Anchorage.

I used my salary to rent a cozy apartment on the floor above a bustling pub. I remember Super Bowl XXV like it was yesterday. I had just come back from an emergency plow session. I went downstairs to the pub to watch the game; it was dimly lit and there was an frigid breeze coming in from the pub's front door as folks walked in and out. I took off my coat, scarf, and gloves which were damp from the snow. I sat down at my usual spot in the pub next to an old trucker and ordered some beer and wings. The atmosphere was tense but excited. Many lifelong Bills fans from the great city of Olean were in the bar, giddy with anticipation for what could be Buffalo's first championship. If I close my eyes, I can still remember the feel of the warm, saucy wings in my numb, frost-bitten fingers.

The Buffalo Bills and the New York Giants played a tightly-contested game. With seconds remaining and the Bills trailing by a single point, the pub went silent. As Buffalo kicker Scott Norwood lined up to attempt a 47-yard field goal, Buffalo seemed poised for its biggest victory since the construction of the Erie Canal. But Norwood missed. Wide right. The ball was blasted as though struck by Thor's Hammer, but sailed far right before bouncing harmlessly in the end zone. I'll never forget the look I saw in the eyes of those hard-working men from Olean: it was a cold, dead look, the type you might see from an old, blind dog. As a Bengals fan I'll never understand their suffering.

Three more Super Bowl appearances and three more Super Bowl losses later, the city of Buffalo never got the championship it deserved. The 1990-1993 Bills had no shortage of heroes: the resilient Jim Kelly, Bruce Smith, Thurman Thomas, their excellent punter Rick "Bootin'" Tuten, and Don Beebe, the man who taught an entire generation of children about the virtues of never giving up. But at the end of the day they fell short of the ultimate prize and were denied the catharsis that accompanies a Super Bowl ring. The days of glory from 1990-1993 eventually became the days of irrelevance during the Doug Flutie era.

This past summer, the Cleveland Cavaliers finally brought a championship to the folks on the burning river. That leaves Buffalo, home of the championship-less Bills and Sabres, as the saddest sports town around.

This Sunday, the sad sports city of yesterday will face the sad sports city of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I'm referring to the match-up between the 0-13 Browns and the 6-7 Bills. Some folks might get excited about the Patriots and Broncos game this Sunday, but I consider Cleveland vs. Buffalo the match-up of the week. Why? Allow me to explain.

Cleveland is fighting to avoid a miserable 0-16 season, the Bills are fighting for a slim chance at a playoff spot and dignity. With a losing record and coach Rex Ryan's future in Buffalo looking uncertain, the Bills are wounded and vulnerable. The liberal Washington Post has speculated that this game might be Cleveland's best shot at avoiding infamy. Folks, I hope the Bills do the right thing and keep Rex Ryan. A man brave enough to speak out in favor of our president-elect Donald Trump is hard to come by. The Bills need bravery on the sideline. They need Rex. Rex and Donald Trump embody the gritty lunch-pail mentality of Buffalo. Under Rex's leadership Buffalo will be made great again, I know it.

Although this would appear to be a meaningless game, a lot is on the line. The Bills' faint playoff hopes are on the line. Rex Ryan's job is on the line. Cleveland's potential 0-16 season is on the line. On top of that, this game will feature two very exciting young wide receivers: Terrelle Pryor and Sammy Watkins. That's worth the price of admission for me. By the way, the price of admission is dirt cheap. Apparently demand for the tickets is so low that you can get them for $20. $20 is nothing. I spend like $40 each time I go to Buffalo Wild Wings. If you're in the area, get to this game folks.

I wish I had the strength and toughness of the sturdy folk from Western New York. I eventually left my apartment in Olean and went back to Danville. I couldn't take the year-round bone-chilling winter. I still miss the chicken wings I used to get in the Buffalo area. Buffalo wings crafted by the Buffalonians themselves are simply unmatched in quality, though if I'm drunk I might tell you that the offerings of Buffalo Wild Wings and Chilis come close. Some men are born to persist and withstand every obstacle laid in their path, like Jim Kelly. It pains me to admit I am not one of those men.

In the past couple of years we've seen championship droughts in Kansas City, Cleveland, and Chicago come to an end. This should give hope to my friends in Olean, the Allegheny region, and the good people of Buffalo. Certain laws of nature that we take to be immutable and true -- the Cubs are cursed, Cleveland are losers -- can be undone overnight. Buffalo sees snow 9 months a year, but heck, if this crackpot "man-made climate change" theory that Leonardo DeCaprio keeps peddling is true, we could see a snow-less winter in Buffalo some day soon. Anything can happen in this great country, folks. Keep the faith, Buffalo fans. Your day will come.

The Battle of Ohio: TWTW's Bengals vs. Browns Preview

Danville, Kentucky -- As of this Sunday, it will have been 364 days since the lowly Cleveland Browns prevailed in a game of football. The 0-12 Browns are on a 15 game losing streak dating back to week 15 of last season. Although the Indians and Cavaliers have improbably brought a winning mentality back to that city on the burning river, the Browns remain hapless. To those loyal fans faithfully rooting for the Browns during this winter of discontent, the mere thought of a Cleveland Browns victory seems as distant as the warmth of spring, the touch of sunlight in May, or the scent of freshly-bloomed flowers in the Hocking Hills forest.

The Browns have had their share of close, nail-biter losses this season. Four of their losses have been by less than a touchdown: a 28-26 loss to the Tennessee Titans and a 31-28 loss to the New York Jets stand out as particularly heart-breaking. Yet, telling a Browns fan that his team has been just a few lucky breaks away from a win or two this season is cold comfort; like offering a pair of hole-ridden mittens to a man about to plunge into the chilly depths of frozen Lake Erie.

But small flickering embers of hope can be found even amidst the deepest, darkest winter. The beauty of football is that on any given Sunday, no matter how unthinkable or improbable, any team can win if its players are willing to dig deep enough and put their bodies on the line for their city. This weekend the Browns of Northeast Ohio will square off against their rivals from the South: the Cincinnati Bengals.

Neither team is very scary. I'd bet my big green John Deere tractor that Ohio State's football team could beat both the Bengals and the Browns handily. Ohio State would probably beat the Browns 42-15. Ohio State's margin of victory against Cincinnati would be narrower, perhaps requiring over-time and some crooked officiators like Ohio State's win against the University of Michigan.

Cincinnati has a few more victories than Cleveland, but football fandom is only marginally less depressing down south. The Bengals are having a disappointing season of their own. They are the owners of a 4-7-1 record thanks to the NFL's unwillingness to take a stand against European nonsense like "ties." The Bengals have their own dubious streak, as they have not won back-to-back games in more than a year. On Sunday, these mostly inept teams will battle for dominance over the great state of Ohio.

Many pundits, including yours truly, have written that the 2016 election was decided by the Forgotten Man. According to this narrative Donald J. Trump won because he improbably inspired millions of weary, downtrodden, ignored folks across this country to cast their vote in favor of change. If the 2016 election was about the Forgotten Man, then Sunday's Bengals vs. Browns match-up is primarily a football game about the Forgotten Rivalry. All the biased national media ever wants to talk about is the Dallas Cowboys and whoever they are playing that week, but wise football fans know the intensity of the Battle of Ohio, a tradition that dates back to the Nixon Administration.

You won't hear Skip Bayless or the talking heads at ESPN discuss the Forgotten Rivalry much. But the passion is real, as is the cultural divide between urban Cleveland and "practically-in-Kentucky" Cincinnati. The Bengals have more talent, but the winless Browns are hankering for a W like I hanker for spaghetti lovingly topped with magisterial cinnamon-chili sauce.

These teams are more evenly matched than they look. I predict a narrow Bengals victory over the win-starved Browns. Cleveland's athletic quarterback-turned-wide-receiver (and former Ohio State Buckeye) Terrelle Pryor will continue to impress, burning the Bengals defense. The Browns will have the element of surprise on their side, as they keep the Bengals off-guard by liberally rotating their four different quarterbacks in and out of the game. However, when push comes to shove the red-headed menace Andy Dalton will lead Cincinnati to victory. The pale-skinned ginger is at his best when the sun is obscured by grey wintry clouds and flurries of snow.

The Browns will play better than you'd expect a winless team to play, but will ultimately fall to 0-13 and inch another game closer towards solidifying their place in the NFL history books alongside the 0-16 2008 Detroit Lions. The bitter winter of Cleveland's discontent may end someday, but not this Sunday.