Trade Trout: Why the Angels Must Let Go

Danville, Kentucky -- I've written before about my beloved Basset Hound, Barry Goldwater. Barry is a wonderful dog. His authoritative and baritone howling keeps my humble Danville abode secure from intruders, giving me peace of mind. Ever-loyal, Barry has stayed at my side through many divorces and unfounded embezzlement allegations.

Mike Trout has been the Barry Goldwater of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. His All-American smile is the face of the franchise. Since sky-rocketing onto the major league scene in 2012, Mike Trout has loyally defend center-field with a tenacity reminiscent of my hound dog. Mike's a tough and gritty guy, even though he doesn't steal bases as much as I'd like these days.

Because of this, what I'm about to suggest might sound like a drunken fever dream, but hear me out.

The Los Angeles Angels should trade Mike Trout.

Reason #1: The Los Angeles Angels franchise -- from top to bottom -- is in a state of disrepair.

The Angels' 40 man roster is top-heavy. There are bonafide stars -- Albert Pujols, Johnny Giavotella, Al Alburquerque, and Trout -- but there are scrubs. The Angels' rotation will be counting on at least 150 innings from Jered Weaver and his 79 mile-per-hour fastball, and the rest of the rotation just had Tommy John surgery. Folks, I haven't pitched since 1972, but if I could pass a physical there's a chance I'd be an upgrade to the Angels rotation.

Angels fans when you suggest trading Trout

The Angels' left-field platoon (Daniel Nava and Craig Gentry) is reminiscent of a mid-2000's Moneyball roster constructed on the cheap by Billy Beane, hardly befitting a team with a $150,000,000 payroll.

Unfortunately for the Angels, there's no cavalry coming from the minors.

The Angels' system is the worst in the industry. A look at how they hope to make up for it on the development side: https://t.co/FF5GjM620Z

— Alden Gonzalez (@Alden_Gonzalez) March 12, 2016

This is a farm system more barren, empty, and devoid of sentient lifeforms than a Marco Rubio rally. For all the holes in the major league roster, there's no plugs to be found here. If you spend enough time around the Angels' minor league affiliates, you might choke on dust like it's Oklahoma circa 1934.

live look-in at the AAA Salt Lake Bees

This is a serious crisis for the Angels. Big Bert Pujols can't be expected to swat 40 bombs forever. Their proven closer, Huston Street isn't getting any younger. C.J. Wilson has great hair, but the name on the back of the jersey now eclipses his actual usefulness to the team.

If the Angels don't move to replenish the farm system now, we're looking at 7 years of famine, à la biblical Egypt. Given the current holes in their roster and the stiff competition coming from the Texas Rangers and Houston Astros, it might be a stretch to imagine this iteration of the Angels competing in the short-term. Without improving their minor league pipeline, they won't compete in the long-term either. A move must be made for the long-term health of the franchise.

Reason #2: Baseball is a Team Sport.

Upon hearing the suggestion that Mike Trout should be traded, the natural inclination of most Angels fans will be to insist that any team can compete for a playoff spot with a generational talent like Trout. Some Angels fans have an almost superstitious belief that Trout's presence will keep their team's window of contention open. Trout's merits aside -- I was relieved when he didn't win MVP in 2015, and didn't think he deserved it in 2012 or 2013 -- this argument is questionable.

Trout is a great player. He's hit 134 dingers the past 4 seasons. He's an athletic defender. But Trout alone will not take the Angels to the playoffs, not when his surrounding cast is scrubs and the Angels' rotation consists largely of batting practice machines. Let's also remember that the last World Series winner -- the World Champion Kansas City Royals™ -- won it all without a transcendent superstar talent like Trout. Team-wide balance and depth are far more important than Trout's 9.0 WAR in 2015. Art Moreno and Billy Eppler needs to take notes on the Dayton Moore theory of roster construction.

It's time to let go, Angels fans. You can't pin an entire city's World Series dreams on one man.

Reason #3: Trout's Value is High

Trout hit a career high 41 dongs last season, with a respectable 90 RBIs, and a .299 batting average (an improvement from his disappointing .287 average in 2014). He's a known commodity. Moreover, the analytics craze means you could probably get quite a few GMs to salivate in Pavlovian fashion once the Angels' front office makes it known that they are hearing offers for Trout. I don't put much stock in sabermetrics, and hope the Angels don't either. But, in the words of Philadelphia Phillies assistant GM Scott Proefrock:

Proefrock said the Phillies' primary use for sabermetrics is in determining how other teams may view players.
"From our perspective, it is important that we are aware of those things because there are other clubs that value them more than we do and look at them more than we do," Proefrock said. "So that can give us an indication of what they may think of some of our players and what guys they value maybe even more than we do because of the metrics." (source: Philly.com, "Inside the Phillies: Who needs sabermetrics?")

If this strategy is good enough for proven winner Reuben Amaro, it's good enough for the Angels. Putting Trout on the market is opportunity to fleece the nerds who care more about BsR, BABIP, and wRC+ than winning ballgames.

The return on Trout could be Yuge -- Yuge enough to replenish that ghost-town farm system overnight -- perhaps a cross-town trade to send super-prospects Julio Urias and Corey Seager to Disneyland?

Conclusion

There comes a time when a man needs to let go. That time came all too soon for me, when I lost custody of Barry Goldwater in my last divorce. Consider yourselves lucky, Angels fans. I lost my best friend and didn't get any Baseball Prospectus Top 100 prospects back in the settlement either. I can still visit Barry on weekends, just like Angels fans might be able to see Trout after the Angels trade him, if they're willing to watch Trout wear Dodger Blue.

Dump Trump: Why I'm Un-Enrolling from Donald

Danville, Kentucky -- I'm no stranger to disappointment. I was there when Goldwater's failure ushered in the Great Society in '64. I was there when the GM Plant was shuttered by NAFTA in '95. I was there in 2012 when the San Francisco Giants stole my city's last best hope at a World Series title in my lifetime. I am here now, at the moment when Donald Trump's betrayal of my Danville values is complete.

I'm the father of two wonderful young men. I want the country they inherit from me and my ex-wives to be stronger and better than the country I inherited from my parents.

Enter Donald Trump. The first politician since Jessie Ventura whose message resonated with folks like me. Trump wasn't afraid to be divorced. He wasn't afraid to talk about our country losing on trade, like the backstabbing Democrats who brought us NAFTA and the Romney Republicans who care more about wooing illegal immigrants than taking care of the unemployed and America's vets. Donald's America-first message has rung like a clarion call from sea to shining sea, from the coal country hills of West Virginia to the lead-filled water reservoirs of Flint. America was finally going to be great again.

Yet, how can America be great again when Trump can't even make vokda great again?

This past summer, I snatched up several bottles of Trump Vodka off Ebay using my son's debit card. I've been drinking bottles and bottles of the stuff for months, and I'm no closer to success than I was before. I'm still divorced and in debt, only now I smell like a cheap Manhattan cocktail lounge. Trump Vodka is not like moonshine bubbles, my own failed foray into  the alcohol business. Moonshine bubbles was an idea behind its time. Trump Vodka is an idea for a time when Americans aspire to be like Russians. What kind of successful American businessman fails at selling a Russian drink? Trump's line of vodka products was pitched to folks like me as "success distilled," when all it did was distill just what a failure Donald is. The failure of Trump Vodka has left my faith in Donald both shaken and stirred.

My faith in Donald might still be salvaged if it weren't for the unforgivable, Titanic-scale catastrophe of Trump University. Folks, college is a total scam. It's a place where liberals gather to make people that love America hate America or liberals. None of my buddies that went to college had any luck getting a job. Well, Trump University was set to be different. Young students and old students could gather and learn real estate. I finally had a school my son could learn something, unlike his preferred locations USC, Cal Berkeley and Stanford.

My son was also a star baseball player. I wanted him to go to a school where he'd be prepared for life with skills from a guy like Trump and get his jersey retired in a rented out storefront that once housed a Blockbuster and now housed my son's college. Or so I dreamed. In 2010 I put the finishing touches on my son's application. With the small five figure payment, my son was ready to begin his career at Trump University.

Enter betrayal. Trump University closed in 2010. I found out today my son doesn't have an actual degree from Trump University in Real Estate. My son couldn't even bother to go to class. It turns out he had been wasting his time at Stanford all along. He has a stats degree and supports Bernie Sanders now.

Why Donald? Why did you close down such a great school? I know you are telling the truth about the Better Business Bureau giving your wonderful school an "A" rating and not the "D-" the actual group claims your school received. I know the New York Attorney General is out to squash start up universities to protect the monopoly NYU, Syracuse, CUNY, SUNY, and the dozens of other schools in New York have in the market.

I want someone that doesn't give up on her projects. I would love to still have a Trump. I want someone that Donald Trump would date if they weren't his daughter. Hell, just give me who we all know Donald wants: Ivanka Trump for President.

Make the First Lady Great Again: Why Melania Trump Will Change the World

Danville, Kentucky -- I've seen my fair share of divorces. I married my high school sweetheart, got divorced, then tried to marry her again. I took another wife, got divorced, then brawled with her new husband in the parking lot of an Applebee's. My would-be third wife left me -- at an Olive Garden. When I go to the polls this November, I'll be voting for America to divorce establishment politics.

Like a man who isn't willing to cut ties with an unfaithful wife, Americans have held out hope that the marriage between voters and the corrupt Washington Cartel can be salvaged. In fairness to the average American voter, these politicians really did sell themselves as good partners. They promised us the world: loyal service to their constituents, balanced budgets, economic growth, jobs, education, opportunity, and lower taxes. Like many divorces, these promises were broken and now America has to foot the bill and pay the alimony.

People stay in unhealthy relationships for many reasons. Some people stay together for the kids' sake. Some people stay together out of financial necessity. Some people stay together because they wrongly believe that their spouse will change. Sometimes they stay together because you're lazy and don't want to do the paperwork. Other times people stay together because you got hitched to a Filipino woman using an online wedding service, and you're not sure how to get divorced in a foreign language.

The American people are finally waking up to the reality of their failed marriage with the Washington Cartel. And they're angry. An uprising of irate blue-collar folk, betrayed by globalization and government, are registering their fury by sweeping Donald Trump to landslide victories in New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Nevada. Americans want a divorce from corrupt business-as-usual politics, and they want Donald Trump to serve the papers.

There isn't a better man for the job. Trump knows when to cut his losses and start anew. Some politicians are afraid to end marriages for PR reasons. Trump isn't. And because of Trump's willingness to divorce, America will soon have the greatest First Lady of all time: Melania Trump.

The American First Lady has declined in prestige.

Barbara Bush, the most Machiavellian mother to ever reside in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, overshadowed her low-energy husband.

As First Lady, Clinton brought us Hillarycare and NAFTA. While in the White House, she made upheaval, scandal, and controversy the norm.

Laura Bush's husband, George, is the brother of Jeb Bush. I can think of no greater qualification short of Ted Cruz being a Canadian.

As First Lady, Michelle Obama has expanded the nanny state and tried to prevent America's youth from exercising their God-given right to eat junk food and not exercise.

Melania will change all this and restore honor to the office of American First Lady.

Melania has class. She has style and poise that America hasn't seen since the days of Jackie Kennedy, combined with the sensibility and discerning taste of Betty Ford and Nancy Reagan. Nancy was Reagan's second wife; The Great Communicator wasn't afraid to divorce, just like the Donald.

Establishment liberals and conservatives say Trump is racist and that his strict immigration policies will destroy America's moral authority in the world. Folks, Trump is not anti-immigrant. He's anti-illegal-job-stealing immigrant. Donald's marriage to Melania disproves the idea that Trump hates all non-Americans; it's not clear if she even speaks American.



As a LEGAL IMMIGRANT from Slovenia, she has made invaluable contributions to the American economy by appearing on fashion magazine covers and in medical insurance commercials. She has single-handedly stimulated New York's economy and created jobs by buying million-dollar cakes and hosting extravagant, lavish parties.

Our next First Lady is Marie Antoinette for a new generation. Melania isn't just a super-model. She's a role model for all American women and mothers. She will make the American First Lady great again.