Forgot About Cleveland: TWTW's 2016 World Series Preview

Danville, Kentucky -- This is the World Series they said would never happen. Two underdogs enter, but only one team's Cinderella Story will be consummated with a fairy-tale happy ending. The Cleveland Indians haven't won a World Series in 68 years, whereas the Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series in 108 years. Two cities, both alike in dignity, both alike in their decades long championship droughts.

On the one hand we have the Chicago Cubs. The 103-win superteam and darlings of major league baseball. An impeccable combination of sparkling young talents -- Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo, Javier Baez -- and gritty veterans like Jon Lester, John Lackey, Ben Zobrist and Grandpa David Ross.

On the other hand are the Cleveland Indians: the underdogs of underdogs. The powers that be have bet against the Tribe every step of the way.

Take a look at crooked ESPN's playoff predictions:

The failing USA Today's predictions are no better:

Between the combined brain-trusts of ESPN and USA Today, more than 30 so-called 'experts' made MLB playoff predictions. Only 4 'experts' had Cleveland advancing out of the first round. Folks, I'll admit that even I under-estimated this team, although I did have no doubt they'd get past the Toronto Blue Jays in the ALCS.

How did everybody get the Indians so wrong?

Maybe they forgot about Mike Napoli, a man with a illustrious history of hitting clutch postseason knocks. Maybe they forgot about Coco Crisp, a veteran with the name of a cereal but the heart of a champion. Maybe they forgot about Josh Tomlin, the secret weapon of the Indians rotation and a more than adequate replacement for Danny Salazar and Carlos Carrasco. Maybe they forgot about Rajai Davis, the speedy man who runs the basepaths like Crooked Hillary runs from FBI indictments. Maybe they forgot about unlikely contributors such as Ryan Merritt, a spot-starter who became the unexpected hero of ALCS Game 5 by throwing 4 and 1/3 innings of shutout baseball against a scary Blue Jays offense. They certainly forgot about ALCS MVP Andrew Miller, Cleveland's relief ace and throwback to the multi-inning closers of old like Mariano Rivera and Dennis Eckersley.

No matter what their reasons were for counting out Cleveland, the 'experts' don't appear to have learned their lesson. The Cubbies and their shiny UZR ratings and sterling starting rotation FIP are already heavy favorites to hoist the Commissioner's Trophy when all is said and done.

Nate Silver's World Series projection is out and the Chicago Cubs are an enormous favorite https://t.co/VC3SNChKEn pic.twitter.com/xftaRnCWwH

— Business Insider (@businessinsider) October 24, 2016

In other words (for non-degenerates), Vegas has the most likely outcome being the Cubs winning the World Series in 5 or 6 games. https://t.co/Yf5TTbk5q3

— Nick Camino (@NickCaminoWTAM) October 24, 2016

Folks, I'm not sold on the Cubs. Jon Lester can't throw to first; it cost him the AL Wild Card game in 2014, and it will probably cost him against the Indians, an excellent baserunning unit. Aside from Aroldis Chapman, their bullpen lacks saavy veterans. It was a mistake for them to let Joe Nathan go. In addition, the Cubs are still a cursed team, as the Curse of the Billy Goat has yet to be lifted. Meanwhile, LeBron James and the Cavaliers have shown that Cleveland is not cursed and laid to rest any doubts that the city of Cleveland is capable of winning championships. Most importantly, Cleveland has home-field advantage thanks to Johnny Cueto's implosion and Eric Hosmer's heroics in the 2016 All Star Game. Cleveland has some of the best fans in baseball. The Indians and their fans are everything that's right about America: they're politically incorrect (like our next president), they're blue-collar, and they're homegrown. Chicago North Siders, on the other hand, tend to be out-of-touch elitists like this:

Folks, my gut tells me the Indians will win. They've already overcome adversity and numerous injuries to key players like Salazar, Carrasco, and Yan Gomes. Even Trevor Bauer showed more grit than I ever imagined was possible, by attempting to play through a lacerated thumb that was bleeding profusely.

My gut tells me Cleveland's winning formula will continue to win: get some clutch hits, get 4 or 5 solid innings from your starters and then get ready for Miller Time.

It's a shame one of these teams will have to end their season with a historically awful championship drought still alive. In that sense, October baseball is a crueler mistress than the woman I met at a Sonic Drive-In in Smyrna, Tennessee. We were having an affair, and chose to cap off a weekend of infidelity with the fantastic eats a man can only find at America's best drive-in food joint. When I wouldn't share my Chili Cheese Tots with her, chaos ensued.

In a fit of rage, she reached for my phone without me looking and texted my wife, confessing to the tryst. And thus my fourth marriage was ended. The Cubs' magical season could meet a similarly heart-wrenching end if the Indians continue to win against all odds and all sabermetric logic. Just like a man can only legally have one wife, only one team will emerge from the World Series with their depressing drought dispelled. I wouldn't bet against Cleveland, the city that has already proved so many folks wrong.

Little Cowboys and Indians: the American League's Last Hope

Danville, Kentucky - Los Angeles, North Side Chicago, Cleveland. These are the cities with which we are to defend America from the Toronto Blue Jays, an upstart Canadian team that threatens to usurp America's past-time. It's not the set of cities I would've chosen were I to be tasked with selecting a club to serve as a bulwark against aggression from America's northern front. Los Angeles has grown opulent and soft in its self-adoration and dotage. The North Side of Chicago is inhabited mostly by affluent prep school kids. Cleveland has only recently learned how to win. These three cities do not inspire much confidence in America's ability to defeat Canada.

Their Canadian opponent is formidable. There is much to like about this Blue Jays team. I've been enamored with them for a few seasons now. They hit bombs. They play the game with passion: whether it's Josh Donaldson scoring the game-winning run on a mad dash to home plate on a throwing error, Kevin Pillar imitating Superman as he puts his body on the line diving for a deep fly-ball, Jose Bautista's bodacious bat flips, or Edwin Encarnacion flaunting an avian companion as he performs his customary trot around the base-paths after a dinger. Though they play for Canada, a country known for its modesty, humility, and good manners, these Blue Jays conduct themselves with a distinctively American swagger.

And yet, something is rotten in the province of Ontario. This is a team that refuses to let Cy Young winner and knuckleball virtuoso R.A. Dickey pitch in the playoffs. The hardened veteran won 20 games in 2012 and threw 200+ innings for 5 straight years, but is evidently not to be trusted as the team flirts with Toronto's first World Series title since Kurt Cobain was the most popular man in music. The team's abysmal mishandling of ace R.A. Dickey casts doubt on their worthiness of October glory.

The Blue Jays have betrayed R.A. Dickey, and must be stopped from winning the World Series. If you need another reason to fear the Blue Jays, consider known Canadian and JFK conspirator Ted Cruz: he will undoubtedly be rooting for his motherland's team. America is in a time of unprecedented political division, thanks to Hillary Clinton. America cannot now afford to lose to a commonwealth of the British crown. Allowing a team from a French-speaking nation to win THE AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES would deal an irreversible blow to American pride, prestige, self-confidence, and hegemony, guaranteeing 'another global cold or hot war and all the attendant dangers, including a global nuclear exchange.' 

Only one man can stop the Toronto Blue Jays from obliterating the American-led international order and ushering in an era of Canadian dominance in the Northern Hemisphere: Josh Tomlin. 

Josh Tomlin may play for the Indians, but he's known as the Little Cowboy. It is only fitting that the man tasked with defending our favorite sport from Canadian conquistadors is nicknamed after the brave wranglers who brought American ruggedness to the uncivilized Western frontiers. More importantly, this is a man fit for the job. Canadian culture is one of dependence and sloth, thanks to their extensive European-style welfare state and socialized healthcare. Canadians love free stuff, and the Blue Jays are no different. The power-hitting prowess of the Blue Jays is real, but the Cleveland Indians can defeat them by refusing to give these Canadians the free stuff they have come to expect from big government. The Indians must be stingy: no walks, no free bases. Stinginess is a foreign concept to Canadians. 

Fortunately, stinginess is not a foreign concept to our friend Mr. Tomlin, a man that posted a sterling 13-9 win/loss record in 2016. He's fresh off of a gutsy outing against Boston in the ALCS where he allowed only 2 runs over 5 innings, notching his first ever post-season win. Tomlin pitched 174 innings this season, and unintentionally walked only 20 batters. If the Blue Jays are going to beat Tomlin, they'll have to earn it: having to earn and work for things instead of being gifted them by big government is a Canadian's worst fear. The inconsistent and distracted Trevor Bauer cannot defeat the Canadian menace. Neither can Corey Kluber and his pristine xFIP. Only Josh Tomlin can.

America has repelled invasions from our despotic, syrup-slurping Northern neighbors before, as recently as the War of 1812. We have met every challenge and conquered every adversary. The city of Cleveland already saved America once this year by stemming the tide of Steph Curry's Left-Coast Warriors. With the world watching and America's reputation on the line, Cleveland will valiantly preserve our union once more.