The Only World Baseball Classic Preview You'll Need - Part I

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, baseball is a uniquely American game: made for Americans, by Americans. Baseball is a game played in cornfields and on blacktops across our great nation; sometimes with sticks and stones where bats and balls aren't available. But like anything truly worth treasuring, it is the sacred mission of all Americans to spread the great game of baseball across God's green Earth. America saved Europe from the scourge of fascism and war. We brought capitalism to the satellite states of the Soviet Union that were trembling from behind the Iron Curtain. We guided Iraq along the path towards democratization. Now, thanks to the World Baseball Classic, America has brought the greatest game ever played to nearly every corner of the globe.

It wasn't an easy job, folks. The primary driver of historical development is the ongoing antagonism between the forces of capitalism and communism. Just as the battle between capital and labor for control of the means of production has animated all conflict since the dawn of industrialization, the battles between America and its socialist opponents like Cuba, Venezuela, and China will be the most fiercely contested match-ups of this year's World Baseball Classic.

In this article, I preview the 2017 World Baseball Classic and 8 of its 16 competitors. Lots of folks are dismissive of the WBC. Critics have a point: the field of teams is very limited. It is nothing short of a travesty that Max Kepler, the Minnesota Twins slugger who hails from Berlin, will not get to participate in this spring's events, due to the lack of a German national team. But let's be honest, the last thing Angela Merkel's re-election efforts need right now is for Germany to get embarrassed on the global stage by Trump's America.

It is also unfortunate that many national teams fail to entice their country's best players into playing in this globally significant event. There is no reason for so many great players to be sitting on the sidelines. The fire of patriotism does not burn brightly enough these days, folks. But until President Trump implements compulsory conscription of all eligible young men into the WBC, it's what we're left with. But folks, it ain't so bad. The competition looks to be stiff. Here are my power rankings of the top 8 World Baseball Classic teams:

1. The United States of America

I can't pick against the good guys this year. They have finally put together a team worthy of the red, white, and blue. The management will be top-notch, led by Jim Leyland, one of the wisest skippers in the game. This team can do it all. They can pitch. Led by Kansas City Royals ace Danny Duffy, a gnarly bearded man who embodies the pioneering spirit of the American frontier, this team will be able to hurl with the best of them.

They also boast Andrew Miller, the man who almost single-handedly won the World Series for Cleveland last fall. If I'm Leyland, I'm using Miller aggressively. No need to hold anything back: the pride of our country is on the line. Use the starting pitcher for 6 innings then immediately turn to Miller to close out the last three innings. If Miller is a true patriot, he should be willing to sacrifice the health of his elbow just as our men in uniform make sacrifices for our nation every day. Country first, arm health second.

The U.S. team also boasts an excellent pool of position players. Eric Hosmer: the reigning All Star Game MVP. Matt Carpenter: one of the best looking guys in the game and greatest underdog stories around. Ian Kinsler: a gritty as heck guy who bruises and bleeds for his team. Daniel Murphy: a man unafraid of being politically incorrect, and precisely the kind of guy we want to represent the U.S. in the era of Trump. These are just a few of the All Star talents that in my opinion will put Uncle Sam's team over the top.

Player to watch: A.J. Ellis

Folks, I know Buster Posey is a sure-fire Hall of Famer and looks like he could play Captain America on the big screen. But the U.S. national team has a secret weapon behind the dish: A.J. Ellis, the man who was once Clayton Kershaw's best friend and personal catcher. Look for him to call a nice game and make some great blocks on pitches in the dirt if called upon by his country.

Player to ignore: Chris Archer

Folks, I was disappointed to see Chris Archer made the team. He's always been more style than substance. Instead of watching tape, he spends his free time tweeting at the Obamas. He spent all winter criticizing his own front office for not pursuing a more aggressive offseason strategy. Folks, nobody is more sympathetic than me on this front: the Tampa Bay Rays are indeed an incompetent organization who are squandering the prime years of their young players. But a young man should know not to attract attention from the crooked media by speaking out on these issues. The team needs a leader, not a whiner. Keep that stuff within the family, Mr. Archer.

2. Venezuela 

Folks, Venezuela has a scary team this year. They are America's greatest competition. The baseball genius of Jim Leyland is matched only by that of superstar shortstop Omar Vizquel, Venezuela's skipper. Their team is absolutely packed with talent: Miguel Cabrera, Jose Altuve, Salvador Perez, Victor Martinez, Francisco Rodriguez, Felix Hernandez, and many more. The baseball bonafides of this crew are beyond reproach.

But I can't pick this team over team USA. Venezuela's horrific experiment with socialism has wrought unimaginable suffering upon its people. Venezuela's economic success has proven to be nothing more than a mirage: the recent decline in international oil prices has been absolutely devastating to their resource-dependent economy. Their failure is our gain: Venezuela's hyper-inflationary turmoil ensures that baseball players bring their talents over to the United States as fast as they can.

There is an argument that Venezuela's team is more talented than America's, but there is no argument that the Venezuelan team's hearts are filled with more love of country than that of the American team's.

Player who might surprise you: Hernan Perez and Alcides Escobar

I have always been high on Hern, super-utility guy from the Milwaukee Brewers. The Detroit Tigers nearly ruined this 25 year old kid's development by rushing him to the major leagues in 2015. When they put him on waivers in the middle of the 2015 season, the Brewers snatched him up and haven't looked back. In 2016, little Hern hit 13 bombs with 50 RBIs and notched a whopping 34 stolen bases. Look for this kid to make an unexpected impact for the Venezuelans.

Alcides Escobar is another Venezuelan to watch. I know he's attracted lots of scorn lately, mostly from irate Royals fans who don't understand how the game of baseball is played.

Trying to go to sleep, but all I can think of is why Yost keeps batting Escobar lead off.

— Chris (@belleisleasylum) February 28, 2017

1st Spring Training game. Escobar lead off batter. My hair just grew back from pulling it out last year, Ned. #Royals

— Jackson Manship (@JacksonManship) February 25, 2017

Is there any particular reason that Alcides Escobar is still batting second for the Royals, aside from the fact that Yost is an idiot?

— Rob Pizzola (@robpizzola) June 16, 2016

If Omar Vizquel is half as sly as Mr. Yost, he'll bat Escobar first. I've already written about why, contrary to fangraphs, Escobar is the ideal leadoff hitter. With Escobar in the leadoff spot, the Venezuelan national team could become the most serious challenger to U.S. hegemony since the Soviet Union.

3. Israel

After 8 years of abandonment and betrayal by Obama and Clinton, things are looking up for the Israelis. Prime Minister Netanyahu knows he has a true friend in the White House these days. The Jewish state has a nice mix of fine young men playing for them, along with a new sense of confidence thanks to the imminent repeal of the awful Iran nuclear deal. Better yet, team Israel may actually stand a chance this year without Dartmouth nerd Brad Ausmus at the helm. This team is on the upswing, folks.

Player who might surprise you: Ty Kelly

Perhaps the greatest "Ty" in baseball since the legendary Cobb, Mr. Kelly is a truly underrated player. Ty Kelly is a toolsy utility guy from the New York Mets; a team that every bit as much of a staple of Jewish culture as pastrami and Seinfeld. With better defensive skills than an IDF officer, Ty Kelly is a slick defender anywhere on the infield or in the outfield. Mark my words, he will make more noise than one of Hezbollah's scud missiles with team Israel this spring.

4. Italy

Italy is my dark-horse team for 2017. Italy is a country on a mission these days: a mission to escape the clutches of the treacherous European Union via an Italexit. I can't bet against the country that brought us Olive Garden, DiGiorno Pizza, and proto-Trumpist strongman Silvio Berlusconi. I know the Italian team isn't as stacked as some of the teams lower on this list. But they've got heart where it counts, namely in Drew Butera. Drew is the backup catcher for the Kansas City Royals, a World Series champion, and has James Bond levels of suave. His resume is impressive. Aside from admirably spelling Salvador Perez from time to time, he caught the game-winning strike from Wade Davis to clinch the Royals' first World Series win in two decades back in 2015. Not to mention, he might have the best hair in all the WBC.

5. Taiwan

Folks, I know I'm supposed to call this team "Chinese Taipei." But I won't. The Taiwanese deserve the right to organize as their own nation, the right of self-determination, and their right to independence from Chinese suppression. The Chinese think of Taiwan as a renegade province that will inevitably be absorbed back into the mainland, but Taiwan is its own democratic nation; it is a pinnacle of freedom in a sea of authoritarianism, a capitalist success story just a stone's throw away from the brutal communist Chinese regime.

Things were looking bleak for Taiwan prior to 2017. But with Trump having reversed the "One China" policy and the pro-secession DPP party now in charge, Taiwanese independence looks closer than ever. You can bet they'll be motivated to prove themselves at the WBC.

6. Cuba

You can always expect the Cuban team to be packed full of talent, folks. But they're always fighting with one hand tied behind their back because they won't allow defectors to play on their team. That means no Yasiel Puig, no Yoenis Cespedes, no Jose Abreu, no Kendrys Morales, no Jose Iglesias, no Aroldis Chapman and even more tragically, no eternally-smiling Brayan Pena. Hate to say it, but it's hard to see this team going anywhere until the Castro regime inevitably collapses under its own contradictions. But until then, they'll still be great entertainment. Keep an eye on Yoelkis Cespedes, a budding superstar and half brother of Yoenis. If he has half the swagger and arm-power of his brother, we could be in for a bigger treat than a fat, freshly rolled Partagas cigar, folks.

7. Puerto Rico

I like this Puerto Rican team quite a bit. They have a great mix of young kids and wily veterans. Any team would kill to have Carlos Correa, Javier Baez, and Francisco Lindor on their roster; though I'd get more excited about Frankie if he hadn't taken sac-bunting out of his game last season. On the pitching side, they have exciting young closers like Edwin Diaz of the Mariners and Joe Jimenez, the Tigers' closer of the future and rare bright spot in a farm-system more barren than the Democratic Party's depleted bench. That being said, the Puerto Ricans also have some serious veteran presence: namely the eternally smooth pure-hitter Carlos Beltran and catching maestro Yadier Molina, one of the only men to wear a St. Louis Cardinals uniform I will ever respect.

But I can't get fully behind this team. Look, I love West Side Story and its bunch of salsa-dancing Puerto Ricans as much as the next guy. But their country is going bankrupt. It's like a miniature Greek debt crisis just a few thousand miles from Florida. Until Puerto Rico gets their fiscal act together, it's hard for me to take them seriously.

Player who could surprise you: Mike Aviles

Folks, I know lots of people were counting Mike Aviles down and out after the Atlanta Braves cut him last summer. But you can't keep a multidimensional guy like Aviles down for long. Look for him to prove his doubters wrong with team Puerto Rico this spring. Keep an eye out for his 80-grade batting stance. Unlike Lindor, this guy isn't afraid to lay down a wicket sac-bunt.

8. The Dominican Republic

I hate to put the Dominican Republic this low, because they have a hell of a team, folks. They can pitch. They can hit. And with Jose Bautista on their team, they could very well spark an international crisis if one of his bat-flips is poorly received in a foreign capital. They might have the best pitching of any team here, folks. What other pitching staff is led by Bartolo Colon and boasts such arms as Fernando Rodney, Edinson Volquez, and Dellin Betances? Not to mention they have mashers like Nelson Cruz and Adrián Beltré.

However, there are some serious headwinds facing the Dominican Republic's team. Johnny Cueto, one of the most electric pitchers around, might not be available to pitch for them. Losing Cueto would be the biggest blow taken by a Caribbean country since Teddy Roosevelt's charge up San Juan Hill during the Spanish-American war.

Other aspects of their roster worry me. Manny Machado and Hanley Ramirez are talented, but perhaps destined for some sort of dramatic incident that will distract the team and take their eyes off the prize. This team has too many hot heads for my taste. Not to mention they are carrying Carlos Santana: the OBP-obsessed base-clogger who strikes out like 11 year old Will Hart at a Danville Middle School dance. I can't believe in this team.

CONCLUSION

That's all for now folks. Stay tuned for teams 9 through 16!

Save Our Sox: How to Replace David Price

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, disaster can strike when you least expect it. Take it from me. Just the other day, my whole lunch was ruined when I tried to use an expired Wendy's coupon. The only thing that got me out of bed that morning was the idea of digging into a hot bowl of chili, baked potatoes with sour cream, topped off by a Baconator.

I planned my entire day around a trip to Wendy's for an early lunch. I got to my local Wendy's promptly at 11:15 AM, and placed my order: 1 bowl of Dave's famous chili, 1 baked potato with all the fixings, and 1 extra-large Baconator. My mouth was watering at the mere thought of that heaping stack of beef with thick peppery bacon snugged between those sizzling patties. I could practically taste the rich sour cream, chives, and shredded cheese that so lovingly adorn every wholesome baked potato served by Wendy's. I had a coupon for each component of my order. But when I went to pay, the cashier shot me down. My coupon was expired - the promotion only lasted through January. My world was upended. I was not prepared for this contingency. I had to improvise.

Good baseball teams are prepared to deal with unpredictable contingencies: like the stunning news that David Price might have to undergo Tommy John surgery. This revelation has caught the unprepared and poorly-managed Boston Red Sox totally flat-footed. Aside from acquiring the temper-tantrum prone Chris Sale in a blockbuster trade, the Sox have spent the off-season shedding invaluable pitching depth like Clay Buchholz, despite the voluminous injury histories of Steven Wright and Drew Pomeranz.

The Red Sox would be better positioned to absorb the loss of Price if they had kept Buchholz and been more aggressive in pursuing many of the high marquee pitchers available via free agency and trade. Jered Weaver could've been had. John Danks, R.A. Dickey, and Bartolo Colon were available as well. Any of those four pitchers would've made great additions to the suddenly thin Red Sox rotation. Big Bart Colon, in particular, was signed for a bargain price - he would've been an excellent fit in Fenway, and has been considerably more successful in the postseason than the overpaid playoff under-performer David Price.

But the past is past. The Red Sox need to look to the future. Fortunately, all is not lost. David Price is not as hard to replace as you might expect; especially with Rick Porcello, the reigning Cy Young champ and stalwart groundball guru, still leading the rotation. There are plenty of worthy arms available on the free agent market or via trade that would make excellent additions to the Red Sox rotation. Here are just a few:

DOUG FISTER

If I'm Dave Dombrowski, this guy is #1 on my list of replacement options. I laid out the case for why the Colorado Rockies should sign him earlier this winter. He's a groundball guy - the type of batted ball profile you want when you play home games in Fenway Park, a toy stadium that turns lazy fly balls into two-baggers thanks to the Green Monster. He rebuilt his value by winning 12 games in limited action with the Houston Astros last season. Just a couple of seasons ago he was a serious Cy Young candidate with the Washington Nationals, posting a sterling 2.41 ERA and 16 wins.

Moreover, Doug makes sense from a chemistry perspective. Dave Dombrowski knows this - back in 2011 he swung a season-changing trade for Doug Fister while serving as GM for the Detroit Tigers. In addition, Doug Fister and Rick Porcello are former teammates; while Rick is clearly now the groundball master, he wouldn't be what he is today if Fister hadn't taught him how to Dougie.

JAKE PEAVY

If I'm Dave the dealer, Peavy is option #2. The chemistry case for Jake the Snake is obvious. As the GM of the Tigers at the time, Dave is no doubt aware of the three team trade made in 2013 between the Tigers, Red Sox, and Chicago White Sox that won Boston the World Series. Avisail Garcia to Chicago. Jose Iglesias to Detroit. Jake Peavy to the Red Sox. And from there, the Red Sox to a World Series championship. In 2013, Peavy helped shepherd the Red Sox to the promised land. The next year, Peavy won the World Series again with the San Francisco Giants. Rings on rings on rings.

Peavy was injured in 2016, but posted a solid 3.73 ERA in 2014 and an even better 3.58 ERA in 2015. Both of those ERAs bested David Price's bloated 3.99 ERA in 2016. It's shocking to me that he is still unsigned. With the 2013 championship core slowly disappearing from the team - David Ortiz has retired, Mike Napoli has moved on, Buchholz has been traded - it's important to have some guys who have "been there before" around. Peavy has been there before. Bring him aboard, Dave.

CONCLUSION

There are other great options to be had. Perhaps the Tigers could be persuaded to part with the electric Mike Pelfrey. Tim Lincecum, Tim Hudson, and Matt Cain are other veterans who could be had for a bargain price, and who also have extensive postseason experience during the San Francisco Giants' reign of even-year dominance over the MLB. But Fister and Peavy are both no-brainers for the Red Sox. They can go toe-to-toe with David Price, particularly in the postseason where Price has always been a non-factor.

Sometimes you have to improvise. I ultimately didn't get my chili, baked potato, and Baconator. I planned my day around that Wendy's coupon - but life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. An expired coupon, like an unexpected elbow surgery, can be a bit of a gut punch. But it wasn't the end of the world, though I did have a bit of a meltdown that resulted in an embarrassing trip to the county sheriff's office and my expulsion from that Wendy's restaurant. I ate at Popeye's Chicken later that day and was pleasantly surprised by the quality of their mashed potatoes and spicy chicken. It wasn't the Baconator that I so craved, but sometimes, your second best option can be just as good as the real thing. Hopefully the Boston Red Sox learn that lesson before it's too late.

Bring Carmelo to Cleveland

Danville, Kentucky -- Folks, I do not speak Chinese. I made a point of avoiding foreign language classes during high school. Why learn how to speak like some foreigner when you could be taking shop class, learning how to build stuff with your own bare hands? Moreover, learning Chinese (or any other non-American language) is utterly unnecessary for a man like myself with no plans to leave the United States (or even the Eastern Time Zone). With jobs rapidly returning to the United States thanks to Trump, there is no longer any business rationale for learning the tongue of Middle Kingdom either.

Yet, there is one word from the Chinese language that every American should know and internalize: 危机.

This is the Chinese word for "crisis." It is composed of two characters; the character that signifies "danger" and the character that signifies "opportunity." Out of crisis comes opportunity.

Folks, the Cleveland Cavaliers are in crisis. Kevin Love blew out his knee. He will likely miss the rest of the regular season. When he returns he may be a hollow shell of himself, representing a huge question mark for the Cavaliers as they attempt to defend their NBA title. The last thing the Cavaliers need is for one of their key pieces to be hobbled as they make a push for a second consecutive NBA championship against a formidable Golden State Warriors team that has added the traitorous but highly talented Kevin Durant. The Warriors cared more about breaking regular season records than winning rings last year, but that might not be the case in 2017. The Cavaliers will need to be at full strength. They need Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks.

Folks, Carmelo has already replaced the injured Kevin Love on the Eastern Conference All Star team. It's time for him to take Love's spot on the Cavaliers' roster as well. You have to fight fire with fire. The Warriors think adding Durant gives them an advantage? The Cavs should re-raise by acquiring Melo, one of the league's premier scoring threats.

It makes too much sense, folks. Carmelo has played in blue states like Colorado and New York his entire career, a sad reality that has limited his potential. Playing in a hard-working red state like Ohio would be a welcome change of scenery.

Mr. Anthony is a three time Olympic gold-medalist and a patriot. He led the Syracuse Orangemen to an NCAA title en route to becoming the NCAA Tournament's "Most Outstanding Player" in 2003, a simpler year when nobody had heard of kale or quinoa. Carmelo guided his college team to a title; when Kevin Love's UCLA Bruins lost in the Final Four, he abandoned ship. I know which guy I'd rather call my teammate.

In addition, playing in Cleveland would fix many of Carmelo's chemistry issues. He would no longer be playing in the shadow of the tyrannical Phil Jackson. Jackson keeps trying to change Melo, to turn him into a player he's not. Folks, as a man who has been divorced four times, let me tell you that people are who are they are. For a relationship to work, you have to accept your partner unconditionally, faults included. If you try to change people, you'll only bring misery upon yourself. If the twice-divorced Jackson had a few more divorces under his belt, he'd probably have figured this out by now. Melo has chafed as Jackson has attempted to bully and intimidate him into changing his game by moving away from isolation plays. If Melo were traded to Cleveland, he'd no longer have anything to prove to Jackson. Indeed, Melo could escape the spotlight - the Cavaliers will always be LeBron's team.

Trading Carmelo makes sense for the Knicks as well. The injured Kevin Love will not help them much in the short term, but in the long term they will have brought a ceasefire to the Jackson-Anthony Cold War while obtaining a player that they can rebuild around. It's time for the Melo era of the Knicks to end; the Ron Baker era must now begin. By trading Carmelo, the Knicks can move past the era of constant feuding between players and the front office, and begin an era characterized by players that simply show up and do their jobs, like millions of other Americans do every day without fanfare or renown. No player better encapsulates this blue-collar lunch-pail mentality than the inveterately gritty Ron Baker, proud product of Wichita State University. By clearing their roster of high-profile tabloid characters like Anthony (and eventually the aging and ineffective Derrick Rose) the Knicks can give folks like Ron Baker the playing time they deserve and bring some heartland-raised common sense to their team in the process.

The Cavaliers and Knicks both face a crisis. The injury of Kevin Love has put the Cavaliers' title defense in grave jeopardy. The Knicks organization faces a crisis of confidence as the war between Jackson and Anthony escalates. Both sides need to remember that out of crisis comes opportunity. Make it happen, James Dolan and Dan Gilbert. Bring Carmelo to Cleveland.

TWTW's Super Bowl LI Preview

Danville, Kentucky -- Long, long, ago, in a far-off distant land called Foxborough, legend tells of a boy who rose from obscurity to become a great leader of men. A man who stood in the shadow of lesser men while serving as the backup quarterback of the Michigan Wolverines. A Michigan man who became a New England man, thrust into service after the injury of Drew Bledsoe back in that fateful 2001 NFL season. An unheralded 6th round draft pick who showed America that any man can do anything with hard work and a little luck.

Folks, I remember where I was in February of 2002, when Tom Brady and the New England Patriots faced a team from St. Louis that belonged in Los Angeles in Super Bowl XXXVI. After Bledsoe's injury, I followed Mr. Brady with a great degree of curiosity; even then, it seemed as though we were witnessing history in the making. Fast forward 15 years, several lousy trade deals and disastrous forays into nation-building in the Middle East later, and Tom Brady is on the precipice of providing a tidy bookend to an illustrious NFL career that began with an improbable Super Bowl victory all those years ago.

Tom Brady's path to Super Bowl LI, to be played tonight against the Atlanta Falcons, was not without controversy. Folks, I thought Brady was dead to me after news of the heart-breaking Deflate-Gate scandal of 2015 broke. To an uninformed outsider, it seemed as though Brady had abandoned the Michigan Man grit so central to his legend and mythos, in favor of becoming a member of the NFL aristocracy that plays by a different set of rules. But sometimes, a man must admit when he has made a mistake.

Folks, more often than not I'm right. I correctly predicted that the Kansas City Royals would emerge victorious in both the 2015 American League Championship Series and World Series. I correctly predicted the resurgence of Detroit Tigers ace Justin Verlander. I correctly predicted that Peyton Manning would lead the Denver Broncos to victory in the last Superbowl, despite the scorn I received from liberal commentators heralding the rise of Cam Newton. I correctly predicted that Donald Trump would win the 2016 election. Folks, if liberals didn't look at me like I'm some sort of neanderthal just because I enjoy a good bowl of queso at Chilis now and then, I'd already have a job at FiveThirtyEight given this pedigree and resume of correct forecasts. But I'll admit: I got Tom Brady wrong.

When the Deflate-Gate news broke, I was dumbstruck. How could the man who had authored so many Super Bowl success stories be nothing more than a liar and a crook? I even called for the man to be banned from the NFL. In retrospect, the swiftness with which I condemned Mr. Brady was uncalled for. But the mainstream media deserves its share of the blame. The media is always quick to pounce upon those who wear their political opinions on their sleeves like Mr. Brady. Crooked Roger Goodell was also quick to stack the deck against Brady by falsifying pounds-per-square-inch data, cooking the books worse than the National Park service did with Trump's historically well-attended inaugural address.

@wikileaks I was at Trump's inauguration! I know what I saw! --> https://t.co/6fWNZwWpb7 pic.twitter.com/OociYZHsiC

— The Will To Win (@TWTWsports) January 22, 2017

I was misled by the corrupt NFL establishment and their media toadies. But I won't be misled again. I un-apologetically predict a Tom Brady triumph tonight, on the biggest stage in all of professional sports.

Touchdown Tom has so much more to play for than the Atlanta Falcons: with his 5th Super Bowl victory, he would secure his legacy as the greatest NFL quarterback of all time. A final Super Bowl ring would be a fitting bookend to career that has spanned nearly two decades, beginning with his first Super Bowl win at age 24 and a 2017 swan song at age 39.

My unabashed admiration for Mr. Brady is no longer fashionable; the radical left is determined to politicize this Super Bowl, citing Brady's "Trump Problem." Folks, I don't know when it became a "Problem" to be on the winning team or why it is now politically incorrect to be an outspoken supporter of the President of the United States. St. Louis Cardinals slugger Stan Musial didn't get lambasted by the media for campaigning with John F. Kennedy, the man who brought us the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion. Folks, I don't remember Steph Curry getting criticized for being an avowed supported of Marxist tyrant Barack Obama.

Nope, this is just part of the continuing double standard, a double standard that leads the media to smear good men like Brady, a double standard that keeps me unemployed while Nate Silver lives large despite an awful track record of predictions. It turns out that in the world of sports, only liberals are allowed to express their political opinions.

The Atlanta Falcons really have nothing on the Patriots. Teams from Atlanta can't win; it probably has something to do with lingering humiliation over Sherman's March. Just ask the Atlanta Braves: perennial regular season champs, permanent postseason losers. I have no respect for the city of Atlanta ever since my wife deserted me at The Varsity drive-in restaurant, taking my kids, my car, and my collection of Bon Jovi cassettes with her. Matt Ryan, aka "Matty Ice," is a Boston College educated elitist who has never known the crisp taste of "Natty Ice," a drink of the people.

Super Bowl LI has become more than a football game. It is now a referendum on Trump's America writ large. The stakes are high: this game will decide the fate of both Tom Brady and Donald Trump's legacies. This Super Bowl presents the nation with an easy choice: a New England Patriots win will be yet another victory for the still-young Trump administration, imbuing further momentum in Donald's efforts to Make America Great Again. An Atlanta Falcons win would be a catastrophic setback, imperiling Trump's efforts to repeal and replace Obamacare, secure our borders, and reverse globalization. Tom Brady's journey to legend status began some 15 years ago. It's ending has not yet been written. Tonight, Mr. Brady will not only deliver a win for the New England Patriots; America itself will be taught a valuable lesson on how to win with class and dignity. That should cause every loyal American patriot's heart to inflate with pride.

De-Fund Berkeley and Bring Back Logging

Danville, Kentucky -- For several fruitful centuries, the lumber industry was a vital driver of economic prosperity and job growth in the nascent American colonies. When the English settlers landed in the New World, they encountered massive forests full of fresh timber, begging to be logged and used as the raw material for houses, furniture, and sturdy wooden paddles perfect for disciplining an unruly child. The lumber industry was the lifeblood of the newly independent American nation's economy; millions of feet worth of timber were exported each year, providing bountiful profit to industrious loggers and millers while employing thousands of honest Americans. A man could make a dignified living by going out into the woods and communing with nature before harvesting the mighty oak, elm, and pine trees of America's forests.

But somewhere along the line, something went wrong. The sawmills of old were shut down, no longer churning out freshly-hewn logs at their once prolific rate. Many an ax became dull and rusty as it fell into idleness and disuse. The stout lumberjacks of old were forced to leave this once proud industry for other jobs. The sounds of swinging axes and slicing saws in the forests became anachronistic and rare.

Why did the logging industry suffer such a precipitous decline? Some would say overbearing big government regulations. Some would say NAFTA. Some would blame tree-hugging environmentalists, with their shrill shrieking about "deforestation" and "irreversible ecosystem collapse culminating in devastating loss of biodiversity." They all have a point. But the true culprit was much more sinister: college education.

Somewhere around the 1960s, American men went soft. They stopped going out into the woods to appreciate its sights, sounds, and smells: the tarry trickle of sticky maple sap, the sound of wind whispering through leaves, the feel of dirt and bark in one's fingers. They went to college instead. Economists heralded the advent of a "consumer" economy rather than a production-oriented economy.

Look where college education has gotten us, folks.

Kids these days don't make anything with their hands like greater generations of Americans once did. They'll never know the smooth touch of a well-crafted ax in one's fingers, and the feeling of power that toppling a majestic tree brings. College educated snowflake brats don't know what it feels like to make something, to produce something. They only know how to riot and destroy whenever they encounter somebody who disagrees with them.

If U.C. Berkeley does not allow free speech and practices violence on innocent people with a different point of view - NO FEDERAL FUNDS?

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 2, 2017

President Trump is exactly right to demand that our college campuses protect free speech while remaining riot-free. Instead of funding some rebellious urchin's Art History degree, why not put our taxpayer dollars to better use? All that money could be better spent building The Wall, investigating Rafael Cruz, or invading the crime-ridden scum-hole of Chicago.

These days, a college degree isn't worth much. So many kids can't find jobs after graduating college, and find themselves eternally burdened with student loans. We could use big government socialist loan bailouts to fix this problem, as Bernie Sanders has suggested. Or we could teach America's youth a valuable lesson in diligence.

The President should immediately de-fund Berkeley and similarly riotous universities. Instead, this money should be devoted to the logging industry, to encourage timber companies to hire America's youth in their lumber and sawmill operations. Teach America's youth how to produce, rather than teaching them how to riot and destroy. The best way to get America's youth off the streets is to get them back in the forests, harvesting our nation's glorious wooden bounty.

WH briefing

Spicer: “I want to go to my 3rd Skype seat: Lars Larson of the Lars Larson show.”

Lars: “Commander Spicer, it's a pleasure...” pic.twitter.com/CixxjU7wgk

— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) February 1, 2017

Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court Justice

Danville, Kentucky -- The moment of truth has come. The moment they said would never come. The moment that Nate Silver and Nate Cohn and countless other bespectacled data gurus named Nate said would never happen. The moment when Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, picks a Supreme Court Justice and forever alters the destiny of our great nation.

Folks, I'll give you a recap if you're just tuning in. Last season on the smash-hit TV show "American Democracy," beloved textualist, traditionalist and constructionist Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia mysteriously died. This left a vacancy on the nation's highest court, one which Donald must now fill. Scalia had dutifully held that seat since 1986, a simpler time when America's enemies wore uniforms and our battles were fought on ideological rather than civilizational grounds. The circumstances of his untimely passage are still murky, and I suspect Hillary Clinton was involved, adding to the already prolific count of important political figures to have been slain by the former First Lady and Secretary of State.

Donald Trump can delay no longer. He must appoint Scalia's successor; a man who will uphold our precious constitution. A man who knows that the constitution is not a "living document" because documents are definitionally just pieces of paper and not sentient beings capable of adapting to rapidly changing political contexts. I once thought Donald should appoint himself to the Supreme Court. I still stand by that plan; Donald would easily win confirmation. But now I have a better plan: Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court Justice.

It makes too much sense, folks. Not only is Rudy America's mayor, he knows the ins and outs of the US legal system. He used his connections at the FBI to help convince FBI director James Comey to investigate Hillary Clinton, flipping the election to Donald. He helped craft Donald's wildly successful and expertly-implemented travel ban. More importantly, he's loyal to both the constitution and Mr. Trump. I know many conservatives are hoping Trump picks one of the names on the list of egghead lawyers that is currently circulating. I know these men have more law degrees and trial experience than Mr. Giuliani. But Trump shouldn't pick people just because they were writing for obscure law reviews nobody will read while Rudy was busy being America's mayor. We all know any college degree except a Trump University degree isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Donald has done a fantastic job assembling a cabinet full of experts like Ben Carson, Betsy DeVos, and that guy who made the sexy Hardee's commercials. But he hasn't rewarded Rudy, who steadfastly defended Donald throughout the brutal 2016 campaign. Rudy's has been Donald's bulldog; barking loudly in defense of Mr. Trump in the face of a biased and malicious media. This type of loyalty must be rewarded. America needs a bulldog on the Supreme Court: somebody willing to defend Donald's signature accomplishments like The Wall, NAFTA renegotiation, taking ISIS's oil, prosecuting Rafael Cruz, deporting robots, investigating Pizzagate and pardoning Pete Rose. All of these policies and more will come under immediate fire thanks to the army of liberal lawyers chomping at the bit to hit Donald with frivolous lawsuits. These policies need a defender. They need a bulldog. Rudy can be that bulldog. Rudy Giuliani for Supreme Court, Mr. President.

Invade Chicago

Danville, Kentucky -- Sometimes, folks don't know what's best for them. People are often short-sighted and myopic, and don't always act in their best interest. Sometimes, even good and decent folk need to be saved from themselves. Nobody likes being told that they're ruining their own life; I've never responded kindly to my wife's criticism that spending $200 a week at Olive Garden is imprudent. She rightly outlines both fiscal and health reasons why I need to lay off the unlimited soup, salad, and bread-sticks festivities. Yes, I know a man only making about $20,000 a year shouldn't be spending hundreds of dollars a month on gnocchi and chicken parmesan. Yes, I know the intake of trans-fat, calories, sodium, and cholesterol associated with my Olive Garden habit is slowly killing me. But old habits die hard. Thank God I have my wife to badger me in to going to Subway or Jimmy John's instead once in a while so that I can eat healthier and more affordably.

Folks, somebody's got to set Chicago straight. They definitely do not know what is best for them. Chicago is rapidly becoming a warzone, a hell-scape, a nightmarish urban zone of sacrifice comparable to Fallujah, Kabul, or Jakku. Worse, there's no voice of reason like my wife to fix this situation. It's time for drastic action. It's time for President Trump to send in a federal counter-insurgency force of National Guard units, military personnel, special forces commandos, death troopers, Navy Seal teams, and heavy artillery pieces. The United States Navy should immediately deploy a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier -- perhaps a newly minted "U.S.S. Trump" -- to Lake Michigan's western shore so as to blockade this crime-infested murder den and prevent liberal sympathizers from sneaking supplies into the city.

Nothing less will bring an end to the bloodshed in Chicago. Nothing less will ensure lasting peace and stability in the Great State of Illinois, Land of Lincoln.

If Chicago doesn't fix the horrible "carnage" going on, 228 shootings in 2017 with 42 killings (up 24% from 2016), I will send in the Feds!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 25, 2017

So much is at stake in Chicago right now, which has become a lawless sanctuary city thanks to the corrupt reign of President Obama, Rahm Emanuel, and Joe Maddon. Here are the ironclad reasons Trump must swiftly restore order to Chicago by any means necessary:

1) Chicago-style hot dogs are a clear and present danger to national security

Folks, there are a two wrong ways to eat a hot dog: in the south, or in Chicago. Folks living south of my homeland Kentucky don't know how to cook and prepare a hot dog correctly. Southerners are best at preparing pork if it's barbecued or pulled, but not if it's served in hot dog form. Chicago's problem isn't that they don't know how to prepare a hot dog. It's that they load it up with foul and unnecessary condiments to the point where it becomes unrecognizable, a veritable atrocity warranting decisive federal intervention.

Two condiment choices in particular strike me as indefensible: the bright green sweet pickle relish and tomatoes. The sweet pickle relish pairs awfully with the savory and spicy notes of the peppers and onions that top this dog. It is also redundant with the pickle spear that typically accompanies any Chicago-style dog. Not only is this relish unappetizing, it's bright green color is aesthetically revolting, and reminds me of radioactive waste or Flubber. The choice to put tomatoes on a hot dog is similarly misguided and un-American. Folks, no true American eats tomatoes unless they are served as tomato sauce on a pizza, in salsa form, or as a canned Campbell's soup served with Goldfish crackers. These disgusting and slimy vegetables do not belong anywhere near a hot dog. If you want to eat a hot dog correctly, try a Cincinnati-style chili dog or a Detroit-style coney dog. Mr. Trump, please direct the United States Air Force to neutralize any known manufacturers of hot dogs in the Chicago area. The fate of American cuisine hangs in the balance.

2) Guaranteed Rate Field is a crime against humanity

No organization has suffered more from the humanitarian crisis unfolding in Chicago than the White Sox. The escalating violence has caused baseball talent to flee the city, with stars such as Chris Sale and Adam Eaton among the players to have left the south side in exile. The violence has taken its toll on the White Sox roster, but it has also taken its toll on the dignity of the franchise. Since leaving the legendary Comiskey Park, which hosted the White Sox in their glory days and also hosted a pair of famous Beatles concerts, the franchise has played in some really lousy stadiums. Cellular Field was an ugly tin can, more uncomfortable than a red-eye flight on a packed plane. The team's new digs, Guaranteed Rate Field, promises to be no better.

We’re excited to unveil the new Guaranteed Rate Field! pic.twitter.com/pAOXZM1R9h

— Guaranteed Rate (@GuaranteedRate) November 1, 2016

What corporate focus group is responsible for creating that logo? Not to mention the fact that "Guaranteed Rate Field" is perhaps the blandest, most nondescript stadium name in any sport. Nothing says "come to our ballpark" like a red arrow on a downward trajectory. Then again, the White Sox are also on a decades-long downward trajectory of their own.

White Sox branded with symbol of decline even though @GuaranteedRate admits "some fans disliked the down arrow" https://t.co/HMYGMtnyuu pic.twitter.com/nr0XxHj6Pk

— Kurt Gessler (@kurtgessler) November 1, 2016

To save the Chicago White Sox from themselves -- the once proud franchise that gave us legendary announcer Hawk Harrelson, Hall of Fame slugger Frank "the Big Hurt" Thomas, and all-time great glue-guy Tyler Saladino -- President Trump must impose martial law, occupy Guaranteed Rate Field, and begin the long process of building a new stadium with a less humiliating name. If we can tear down and rebuild Iraq, we can tear down and rebuild this awful stadium.

3) Jay Cutler is an enemy combatant and must be detained

The Cubs won the world series - but the rest of Chicago sports are in a largely sorry state. Dwayne Wade has not made the Chicago Bulls great again. But the biggest crime is happening just a stone's throw from the majestic Lake Michigan at the splendid Soldier Field. The formerly mighty Chicago Bears are mired in mediocrity thanks to their oft-injured and ineffective quarterback, Jay Cutler. He was recently signed to a massive extension. There is a strong argument that this is the worst contract in the NFL. Jay Cutler's continued existence is an existential threat to the Chicago Bears. President Trump should immediately issue a warrant for his arrest, and indefinitely detain him without trial at Guantanamo Bay or an equivalently secure C.I.A. black site.

Conclusion

Chicago is a tinderbox waiting to explode. Trump is faced with an unenviable choice. He can leave Chicago to fester and burn, sacrificing many innocent lives in the process. Or he can boldly order a federal intervention into the city, risking prolonged occupation, radicalization, blowback, and even more bloodshed. Abraham Lincoln was once faced with a similarly unenviable choice, and history rewarded him for risking blood and treasure to preserve our union. President Trump cannot delay any longer. Chicago must be invaded, for its own good.